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Prologue
“What about you, Sage? What’s your story?” Violet asked me that day when we were all in her house for girls’ night.
How could I have told her everything then? It was ugly, it was complicated and more than that, it still hurt. “It’s too complicated for girls’ night.” I shrugged, trying to look nonchalant.
She smiled with a teasing gleam in her eyes. “C’mon, we’re pretty smart girls here.” She had no idea what she was pushing.
I laughed without humor. “It’s a long story.”
“We have time.” She winked at me. I knew she wanted to learn about it. I could see the curiosity and interest in her grey eyes, but my story wasn’t a fairytale.
“Not enough for this.” I exhaled deeply, and she fell silent. No one talked, but I could feel the questions behind their eyes. Memories of my past were a burden that was hard to carry. I locked them all in a suitcase and carried them with me wherever I went, putting them under my bed or inside the closet where monsters lived. I was afraid of unzipping the suitcase to take a peek. But their innocent curiosity was a temptation for me, and I couldn’t resist.
“I found love when I never expected it. Then, I got pregnant with someone I shouldn’t have. I killed someone and went to jail. Then I lost my love. And now… I’m here, dancing in the club,” I said after a few minutes of silence.
“How?” her voice was just a breath.
I smiled at her, shaking my head. I caught a glimpse of my monsters; they were still alive. My fears and the pain of my heartache was waiting for a second of weakness to get free of the suitcase, and I wasn’t ready to face them yet, not when they were still hurting me, but mostly not when I saw his smiling face every night.
How silly hearts worked? Even though you’d been through hell, the small heaven you found was hurting you more than hell itself. “That’s a story for another time,” I said, finally.
Violet’s eyes were full of questions and maybe even some fear after my confession. I wondered which question she’d choose. Because what people ask would show their real personality.
“Wh-What happened to the baby?” she whispered. My air sucked out of my lungs. I wasn’t expecting this question, most people would have asked who I killed, how or why I did it, but Violet was a good soul, and like every good thing and every good people she hurt me the most with her innocent, compassionate question.
“Miscarriage.” My answer was short, but that was all I could muster with the lump in my throat. I turned my head aside to hide my tears, and the conversation ended there.
***
I haven’t been able to tell a soul what happened to me for years. When I did, it was used against me. My past became my weakness, and people chose to hit me there, where it hurt the most. I didn’t trust people, and when I did, they left me alone, taking the small hope they gave back along with parts of my soul.
I’ve been a pathetic soul, a loner for so long, a woman who has tried to find her place in this cruel world. I thought my past made me weak, but later I realized it was hope and trust that made me vulnerable. So, I take the suitcase from the closet and open it to face my monsters. I put my past on me like armor and created high, impenetrable wa
lls around me with my pain and heartache.
When Violet asked me my story it wasn’t the right time, I didn’t close some cases in my mind. I was still hiding behind my stage name –Sage. I buried Veronica with my innocence.
But now, I’m ready.
I’m ready to face my monsters and play with them. There was no more fear or heartache.
I’m Veronica Sage, and this is my story.
Chapter 1
Past
Age 4
“Mommy, I’m full,” I say. I don’t like the taste of this thing. It’s not sweet like one of the mothers in the park gave me yesterday. She called it chocolate, and I want chocolate, but we don’t have it. Mommy never buys me chocolate, we always have this nasty thing. But I don’t say any of these things to my mommy. She doesn’t know I went to the park across the street. She would be mad at me if she knew. But kids were playing games, I wanted to play too.
“Eat your porridge, Veronica.”
“But Mommy,” I say, and jump when she hits her hand on the table. I lean back, trying to get away from her, so she doesn’t hit me. She’s so angry. Her face gets funny like she ate something sour when she’s mad at me. I don’t like her when she’s like that. She hurts me and yells at me.
I fill my spoon again so mommy won’t be angry with me any longer. The porridge tastes bad, it’s sticky in my mouth. I don’t want to eat it. I try to chew it, but it makes me sick. I gag, can’t hold it in any longer as my tummy doesn’t want it. I spit it into the bowl.
“You’re an ungrateful child, Veronica. You’re a bad girl.” She yanks me by my arm, and my chair falls down with force. Her hand wraps around my hair as she pushes me to the closet.
“No, Mommy. Don’t put me there. Mommy, I’ll be good. I promise,” I sob, but she doesn’t listen to me. My arm hurts, my hair hurts, and I’m crying. Mommy hates when I cry.
She pushes my bowl of porridge to my face. “Look what you’ve done. You deserve to be hungry. You don’t deserve food. There are lots of children who would devour this. You’re selfish, disobedient,” she keeps yelling at me, but my eyes are focused on the closet door she opens.
The closet is dark, cold, and small. I don’t want to go in there, but my mom pushes me inside and locks the door before I can run.
“You’ll stay there. You won’t eat anything until God forgives you. Pray for your sin, Veronica. You’re a bad girl and should pray to be good so God can love you,” she says and locks the door.
I cry and apologize, but my mommy is so angry. She leaves me there.
It’s so dark.
I sit with my arms wrapped around my knees and lean against the wooden wall.
I see shadows. There are monsters in the closet. They’re waiting for me to fall asleep so they can kill me.
I close my eyes tightly, so I can’t see them and pray to someone whose name is God. I have never seen him, but mommy says I should please him. I should be a good girl for him. So, I pray.
“Please, God. I’m not bad. I’ll be good. I promise.”
And pray.
“Please, God, love me. Let my mommy love me, too.”
And pray.
“I’ll always eat my porridge, God. Please don’t let the monsters eat me.”
Chapter 2
Present
Maybe you can reward me with your time tonight, Mistress. -Luke
I roll my eyes and attach the note back to the huge bouquet of roses. It never ceases to amaze me how many people want to give up their control to a total stranger willingly. But it works well for me, it makes it easy to find company whenever I want to, whenever I feel the need to hurt someone like I’ve been hurt.
Resting my palms on the vanity table, I let my head hang low as I think if I want to have company tonight. Finally, I straighten my back and say fuck it as I dial the number Luke put on his note. He’s a classy dude, he’s been chasing me for weeks now to dominate him again. If he’s that willing to get his ass kicked, who am I to refuse his plea?
“You have fifteen minutes to be in front of the club,” I say as soon as the line is answered.
