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Age 14
It was so fast.
I don’t even remember how it happened.
One moment I was pretending to sleep and the next I was covered in blood. I remember feeling his breath on my face, I remember him feeling me up, pushing up the cover the doctor has placed on me before leaving. And then I panicked. I waved the scalpel with all my strength, and I felt the warmness of blood spray on me.
I heard screams, curses, but the ringing in my ears and my heartbeat overpowered every other voice.
I cut his neck.
Blood kept hitting me on my face, my neck, my chest. The blood was so much, it was like a fountain. It rained on me.
I wasn’t disgusted by blood at that moment. It made me happy. It made me feel joyous, and I pushed his heavy body off me, standing up to dance for my victory.
I’ve protected my baby…
But then, I hear the deafening sound of a gunshot. I feel the pain ricochet through my body. My inside is burning, turning into ashes, and I know then… I know I couldn’t protect my baby.
Chapter 25
Present
Dear Nikki,
This one will be my last letter to you and the hardest one I’ve ever written. It will be about all the fucked-up shit in our lives, about how stained our relationship is, even when we were just two innocent kids.
I’ve always felt guilty about what you’ve been through. I always thought it was my fault, that if I stayed away from you that you wouldn’t have to go to that fucking hellhole. Even more than that I felt guilty because it wouldn’t change a thing. I would still want to meet that little girl behind the bush, I would still think that making her smile was my duty. I would still want to spend every stolen time with her. And that makes me a selfish bastard… just like my father.
My father… I have never talked about him, you have never asked about my family. But you know him, you met him. He’s one of the most trusted guys in our shithole of a town, the man who’s responsible for our safety and peace.
I laugh at the irony even as I write these words.
My father was a monster, Nikki. A monster too dangerous because he could hide it from everyone, from the whole town, and even from his own family.
My father was the Sheriff, Nikki… and he ruined you.
There’s nothing I can do to make it softer on you. It’s the disgusting truth.
I hate him, Nikki. I hate my own father, and I hate myself.
I hate myself for not letting you go, for still thinking about you every fucking day. I’m ashamed of myself because I want you. I want you all to myself. And this makes me even worse than him. I know whenever you see me you’ll think of him, you’ll remember him, but I still can’t stop wanting you, wanting what we could have if our lives weren’t such a disgusting, twisted irony.
I hate you for being the reason I spend my days behind bars.
I hate you for shattering the image of my perfect family to its ugly pieces.
I hate you for turning my childhood hero into a monster.
I hate you for rooting yourself into every fiber of my being even at such a young age that I can’t rip you away from my thoughts.
And I’m coming for you, Nikki. I’m coming for you, and I don’t know if it will be because of hate or love.
Nick.
I rest my hand against the drawer to support my weight. I’ve been wondering where he’s been for days, why he hasn’t tried to talk to me, and now I know why. He’s been gearing up to drop the bomb in my hands, in my life. He even has the decency to do it with a letter. A letter in my underwear drawer. He’s stolen the most innocent memories I had -the memories I had with him- along with my panties.
I read, read, and re-read the letter until I can recite the words, but they still don’t make any sense to me. My skin breaks out a cold sweat, my hands shake violently, my heart hammers and hurts my chest, but my brain still refuses to understand what my body was already terrified of.
