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When we were back in his loft, I walked toward the windows, watching outside with unseeing eyes. I felt his gaze on my back, but I didn’t turn to face him. Then, I heard the door close.
He’d left me for the first time since I came here. He finally gave up on me and decided to move on with his life. I should’ve been happy, but I couldn’t explain that to my stupid heart who still loved him.
The tears threatened to fall. My heart felt like it was breaking in pieces. My throat felt tighter like an invisible force was choking me. My lungs couldn’t get enough air no matter how much I tried to breathe.
Walking to my room, I hoped being surrounded by white would calm me like it did these last couple of days, but it didn’t do the trick this time. It only made it worse. I ripped off the clothes from my body, wanting to peel off my own skin to stop these suffocating feelings inside me. As I stood in the middle of the room in only my bra and panties, I looked around.
I was an intruder in his life.
I always felt like a freak, even when I was invisible among the other freaks of my neighborhood. I always knew how people looked at me with disgust as I worked in different places. I’d accepted that I was mud on their shoes, but I’d never thought I’d feel the same way in Zeke’s world. I would’ve never guessed the guy who was my sanctuary, my harbor in stormy nights turned into some stranger. But his world had changed, and in this world, I was just dust on shiny steel.
Heading to the bathroom, I opened and closed the drawers in the cabinet, just to find something to take my mind off things.
I found the first aid kit Zeke used to change my bandage the other day. Opening the box, I searched the things in it. At the bottom of the box, a small package got my attention. Like I was in a trance, that shiny little metal lured me to find it.
Sitting on the cold marble floor, leaning my back against the wall, I looked at the razor blade in my hand, the small weapon that started it all. It may have damn well finished everything. Playing with the metal, studying it under the light. It would be easy to finish what I started, but something inside me stopped me from reopening the wound on my wrist.
As I trace the soft skin inside my thigh, I rested my head against the wall, closing my eyes.
I didn’t have many things in life. I wasn’t good at anything but sketching. Most of the times I didn’t even know what I was doing with my life. But in my twenty-years, there was only one thing I always thought I had, Zeke. Even when he left me two years ago, I still held on tight to his memories and the love I felt for him, no matter how bad it hurt me.
As my thoughts followed one another, I focused on the sharp bite of the razor blade. It hurt less than the love that filled my soul.
Zeke Wyatt was the only definition of love I knew.
I loved him as a brother, a family, a friend.
I loved him as a lover.
And I hated how desperately I loved him.
When I could finally take a breath of peace, blood was slowly dripping from the lines on each of my thighs. Twenty short lines. Twenty years that weren’t enough to love him. Twenty years that weren’t enough for him to love me.
CHAPTER 20
ZEKE
I couldn’t reach her. No matter what I did, she had an invisible wall around herself that put me outside of her personal place. I was the cement of that wall she’d built with her bare hands. I thought taking her to a professional would’ve helped her, but it only made things worse in the house.
It’d been three days since I took her to the therapist’s office and she didn’t say a word since then. We had a routine before the visit, we at least ate our meals together, but these last three days she didn’t even come out of her room.
The girl once would’ve loved to spend all the time she had with me, now couldn’t even tolerate seeing me. I ached when I was near her. The need to touch, hug, and kiss her was too much it was a physical pain. The only thing that stopped me was the haunting look in her eyes. Those dark orbs were like daggers to my heart every time she looked at me with sadness and desperate need she couldn’t hide from me.
The moment I finally acknowledged the deep longing, need, and attraction I had toward her was the day I planned to put a smile on her face. She was fifteen and beautiful, but sad. I hated Amanda too much that week I was afraid of doing
something bad at her. Instead, I focused on making Maya happy.
We were in the old warehouse. I spent my whole week after work to prepare the place as good as it could have been. There wasn’t many places I could take her to but the warehouse that all young couples used as their secret hotel. I didn’t know why I chose the place. Maybe I knew I wanted to be more with Maya even though my mind didn’t acknowledge it.
“Zeke? Why are we here?” she asked as I opened the warehouse’s big gate. But there was no anxiety in her voice. Her trust was something that fed my obsession about her, I just didn’t know it then.
I just smiled, kissing her temple. “I promise you’ll love it, baby girl.”
She was my baby girl.
The name was so innocent for years, but not so much since I fantasized her eyes looking at me with submission as I draw my cock into Mandy. I thought it was just a slip then. A drunken confusion and nothing else. But some things couldn’t be ignored much longer.
She was so happy when she saw the pool I made for her. Her arms wrapped around me as she climbed me like a tree. I liked having her body pressed against mine. It felt so much better than the time I felt when I was with Mandy or any other woman.
