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The knock on my door was the first alarm bell.
I frowned, but as a reflex, I covered up with the sheet again. “Yes?” I called out, my voice was shaky.
Zeke opened the door and came inside. I smiled at him, but he didn’t return my smile. That was the second alarm bell.
I expected him to sit next to me on the bed like he always did. I waited for him to kiss me sweetly like he did every day. But, today wasn’t that day. Today, he sat in my chair in front of my desk, as far away from my bed as my small room allowed. This was the third alarm bell.
With his elbows on his knees, I watched him sit there. Something was wrong. My heart beat faster in my chest with anxiety. My palms got sweaty, I wiped them on the sheets. I waited for him to talk and I dreaded the words that would fall from his lips, but he didn’t talk. The silence stretched longer and longer. Longer enough to made me go mad.
“Zeke, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t stand this silence any longer.
He finally looked at me. “I have to go, Maya.”
“Where?” I asked. I told myself that he had to go to deal with something, but I knew that wasn’t the case. No matter how hard my mind refused to understand, the tears welled up in my eyes.
“I don’t know, but away.”
“Zeke, no,” I breathed out. He sucked away my strength to talk louder.
“I have to.”
“Why?” I choked out.
“I have to protect you, Maya. I have to protect you from myself because if I don’t leave, your life will be a bigger mess because of me.”
“I don’t want you to protect me. I just want you to stay with me.”
He stood up. “It’s for your own good,” he said.
Getting out of the bed, I grabbed his arm. I didn’t care that I was naked. My body wasn’t something I wanted to hide from him. It never was.
He turned his face to me, his eyes roamed over my body. I could see the need behind his gaze, the way he breathed in, the way he licked his lips as his eyes licked every part of my body just like he did last night.
“Don’t go. I need you, Zeke. I love you so much, and I know you love me, too. Please. Don’t leave,” I said frantically. My voice shook with the sobs that wanted to get out.
He turned his body toward me, and I didn’t waste any time to hug him, but he pushed me away, kept me at arm’s length.
“Maya, do you know what I’m thinking about right now? Do you have any idea what I want to do to you even though I know it is every kind of wrong, even though it makes me hate myself with passion?” he said in an angry voice, but I knew he wasn’t angry at me. He was angry at everything but me, just like I was angry at everything but him.
I loved him. I wanted him. But I couldn’t have him, because it was wrong to some people who had found the rights to decide what was right and what was wrong.
“I want to fuck you. I want to thrust my cock into you and take away your virginity. I want to kiss, lick, and fuck every inch of your body with my mouth, my fingers, and my cock. I want to make you scream with pleasure, I want to see you sob with the desperate need for my cock. I want to have your body, your heart, your soul,” he said. His voice is harsh with the passion behind his words. His eyes are burning a fire in their depth. I didn’t know when we moved, but my back was against the wall, and he was pressed against me. We were both panting, my whole body was tight with arousal, and his erection was pressing into my stomach like a hot iron.
“You already have them. You already have all of me,” I whispered. “Don’t you understand, I want you to do all those things to me. I want you just like you want me, Zeke.”
He pushed away from me. “That’s why I have to leave. I have to leave so you can forget me. I have to leave so you can have a normal life without my fucked-upness,” he said.
As we looked at each other, I knew nothing I said would change his mind.
“Can you kiss me? Just one more time,” I sobbed.
I thought he was going to reject me, but after a moment of silence he grabbed my neck and crushed my lips under his. I clawed his t-shirt, pulled his hair to get as much of him as possible in this last stolen moment. I swallowed his tortured groan, and he swallowed my sob with the kiss we shared.
When our lips separated but still stayed a breath away from each other, I hated everything that pushed him to do this. I hated everything that took away the only happiness I had from me. I hated this life for ripping the best thing in my life away from me. And as he turned to leave with tears in his eyes, I hated him for listening to everything that tried to separate us.
Closing my eyes, I tried to suppress the pain the memory of his leaving still caused me. I wished I could go back to sleep.
“Good morning, baby girl,” Zeke said, pulling me away from my painful reverie. His voice was still raspy with sleep.
