AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Why are you trying, Zeke? I thought to myself
I didn’t know.
I don’t know why you’re trying, Jack’s words echoed in my mind.
I didn’t have an answer to that as I slouched on the couch. Closing my eyes, I cursed at my life. I was so close to giving up, I didn’t even know what I was fighting for. Pulling out my phone from my jeans pocket and my finger hovered over his name again, but instead of giving in to the temptation I lied down on the couch. Even though sleep and I weren’t good friends, my exhaustion didn’t let my panic show up, and I fell asleep.
***
I was confused when I woke up, my neck was tense from the strange angle I fell asleep in. The house was dark except the light in the hallway. I must have slept the whole day. Looking at my surroundings, I tried to understand what was happening and what caused me to wake up.
My mom was sitting in front of the coffee table, just a few feet away from me, my father was behind her with his hand under another woman’s skirt. I recognized the woman, she was my mom’s friend when they were both young and not truly fucked up. My mom was snorting the white powder, and with the look on their faces, I knew all three of them were high, so far above the caring world around them. They had never really cared a lot though, not even when they were this deep into the hell, they were trying to pull me under along with them.
I didn’t want to hear their voices, I didn’t want to witness the twisted orgy they would soon perform. I tried to block out everything.
Grabbing my phone, I padded to the bathroom. My feet weighted tons as I tried to carry myself away from the circus I called life. I looked down at my cellphone, there was a text saying I missed my night shift in the bar. Checking the time, I saw it was past ten pm, I read the rest of the message, Don’t bother to come in tomorrow.
This was just what I needed. With the salaries I got from three jobs I was hardly paying bills and putting something in our stomach, and now I was fired. I planned on going there tomorrow anyway to beg the boss not to fire me and to give me one more chance, but I slid down on the tile floor in the bathroom with the same question in my mind. Why? Why should I try? Why should I keep fighting when there is nothing to fight for?
I was tired.
I was tired of fighting for everything in this life. Even the smallest achievement I had came from huge fights for survival. I wanted to be young and carefree, but I was just stuck under the responsibilities on my shoulders. I felt like Atlas with the whole world’s weight on me, and I didn’t even know why I tried.
Jack, the bastard was right about one thing.
Why did I keep trying?
I crawled to the bathtub and got inside, clutching my phone to my chest like it was my lifeline. Closing my eyes, I dialed the number I was dying to call whenever I felt tired.
“Wyatt,” he answered.
I smiled through exhaustion and whispered, “I missed you.”
“Maya?” His voice had the same warm feeling, but it was thicker, smoother like the warm chocolate he once bought me as a birthday present. He had to pay every penny he stuffed under his bed to buy it for me.
“I’m tired. I just want to sleep… and when I woke up, I just want to open my eyes to a life better than this. I don’t know why I’m fighting anymore. You said you’d always be with me, you said you’d never leave me alone, but you were the first one to leave me. Why did you promise me when you can’t keep it? Everyone leaves, right? This time I’ll be the one who leaves,” I said and ended the call, shutting my phone off.
The metal on the shelf next to the bathtub winked at me when the light hit it from the right angle, and I took the object between my fingers, studying its sharp edges. The razor blade looked new enough, it didn’t have the stains of time on its smooth surface.
Fascinated, I moved the sharp side of it over my wrist, not really letting it touch my skin, but close enough to feel it graze my flesh. I was numb and focused on the moment, I didn’t think about anything else but the blade of the razor on my skin. It was the most peaceful moment my mind had ever had; there was complete silence, and it was hypnotizing. I wanted more of it and pressed the metal onto my skin, watching the ruby colored liquid create beads under the bite of the metal. It looked like art, the first splash of paint on the white canvas. Smiling, I pressed harder, moving it a little bit. There was pain, but I liked it; that was the last moment of fight my soul was putting into this life I didn’t want to live any longer. The blood started to pour from the cut, it reminded me of a fountain, but it was thicker and eerier. As the redness spills over the white marble that saw better days, I felt a comfortable darkness surrounding me.
Most people were scared of darkness, and what was hidden behind it, I wasn’t. I was afraid of the light because light was the one that brought out the monsters who were waiting in the corners, light would put faces on the scary silhouettes, light would make them real instead of imaginary. In the darkness you could pretend everything was a dream, in the dark you wouldn’t see the devil, and you could hope the devil wouldn’t see you; but in the light, you had no other choice to face the situation you were in. People would be afraid of that eerie obscurity even though it was the light that blinded them.
As my old friend darkness surrounded me, I wrapped my other hand around my neck, just to feel closer to him, only to pretend like he was here next to me. The pain and numbness became more intense, and the strong scent of blood invaded my senses. When I could feel my heart slow down, I even heard his voice. But instead of setting me free he was asking me to fight.
Stay with me, Maya.
CHAPTER 4
ZEKE
As I read the registration forms of the people who wanted to be a member of my club, my mind refused to focus, my body got more and more tense with every kind of kink there was noted on the paper. The worse was, with every kink I read I was fantasizing about her. I was always fantasizing about her. There was no one else for me. Whenever I closed my eyes, she was haunting me.
It was that day again, and I forced myself not to write her a letter like I wanted to do the last two years. I wanted to tell her everything I was feeling, why I had to leave her, how I couldn’t stop thinking of her. But I knew if I did that, nothing would stop me from begging her to call me, come to me, but clearly t
hat wasn’t what she wanted. Every month I added my number to the money I’d sent her, but she’d never called me. She hated me. And she was right. I hated myself just the same.
Swallowing the hate I felt for myself, I dialed Nikki.
