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CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
*Lace*
The drug has steadily made me so giddy that my time with Zane turns into one of those scenarios where I just wish I could slip him a little pink pill and share all the love. That way he can understand and feel how I feel right now.
That thought leads to another excellent conversational icebreaker idea. “My guess is that once upon a time you were pretty devout, hm?” I kick it off with a question.
“Yeah, you could say that.” He pauses for a second, but the temporary pressing together of his lips tells me that he has more coming, so I wait about as patiently as is possible right now. Thankfully, he doesn’t keep me waiting for long. Zane starts by letting out a shaky chuckle. “About five months ago, I was actually serving a mission in Germany. But I got called home early…” The revelation fades.
I take over so he doesn’t feel obligated to go on any further but also because I am itching to run my mouth. “Perfect!” I grin. The rest comes out in an audible stream of consciousness: “Remember that… that feeling where you’re so consumed with how content and happy your beliefs made you? You just wanted to share with everyone. Not to be irritating or whatever but to ‘help’ people feel the way you felt. When we’re happy, we want others to feel that way too. I guess the same thing could go for that whole direct sales gig stuff. They find a product they love. It makes them happy. They make money. Then they blow you up with that all-encompassing love.” I put the back of my hand up to my mouth and whisper the next part, “And some of us that don’t really want it are over here like, ‘bish leave me alone.’”
Zane chuckles and it’s the best damn sound ever.
“Well…” I start again in my normal voice, bringing a drip of seriousness to the topic. “That’s how I feel right now. On this ecstasy. I want so badly to share with you. But then there’s this moral compass thing, you know? Like it’s pretty damn clear that I shouldn’t be convincing the masses to do ecstasy. A-and you’re too sweet. But how fun would it be to see how much sweeter it makes you, r-right?”
Throughout the entire brain dump, Zane studied me so astutely, so keenly, that sentence by sentence, more and more words began to stutter until I had to stop and just watch him.
His eyes flick down to my mouth, realizing I am no longer talking, then back up again. “How do you feel right now, exactly?” he asks. There is a genuine curiosity in his tone but also a new, unexpected heat. A heat that comes naturally, internally, that even the most behaved gentleman can’t prevent.
“I feel everything right now. Happiness. Excitement. Love. Horny… Oh my Universe… so damn horny. And sorry, Fawn, but taking me on a walk and making sure I stay hydrated is not gonna fix that.” I chuckle.
His features droop, and he inhales deeply. “Lace,” he whispers, “I have no idea how to even start.” His face turns bright red, so much so that it spreads downward to the collar of his shirt. “And… and I’ll be honest. I’m not going to have sex with you while you’re on a drug. If… if we ever do that, you’ll be sober. And so will I.”
At first, I can’t decide if I am really excited by his “if” or incredibly disappointed. Considering my present state of mind, my decision ultimately leans over the lush, wet side of the fence.
I look him straight in the eyes and set my expectations with a smile, though: “Okay.” I mean it. I am 100 percent okay with moving at his pace. Probably because there are seven other guys waiting to take care of me in the interim.
That sentiment displays in his gaze as he looks thoughtfully toward the main room of the club before returning again. He takes my simple, one-word response seriously and seems to give himself permission to stop being so nervous.
The way his comedown translates is really interesting. What each new member needs is typically pretty evident — usually something sexually aggressive. An HFL initiate rarely curls up in a ball and cries. Kal seems to have a knack for making sure each of his men have a special strength about them.
Zane is more complex; he seems to need a bit of everything — attention, conversation, touch. Everything, that is, except sex.
I like it, though. Him. The unbridled sweetness that is still deeply instilled even though I know his initiation was difficult.
A deep rooted part of me aches to make sure he stays that sweet.
“Chaz was right,” he says, voice gravelly.
“Usually.” I chuckle. “How, though? Humor me.”
“The way you look at me — us. All of the men, actually. I can see why they like you so much. Coty especially. Like you want to figure out everything about us. But not just for your own gain.”
Um… right. And what am I supposed to say to that sweetness? Also, very perceptive. Not just for my own gain. He knows I have more than one reason for treating them the way I do.
Now it’s my turn to chuckle nervously. Something that rarely, very rarely, happens. “Um… Thank you?”
He shrugs. I equal parts love and hate how awkward this has suddenly gotten yet again. We were making progress! I dig deep, trying to backtrack in the conversation. “A minute ago you said that you didn’t know where to start. I hope it’s not too much to ask, but… Honest question… Pretend for a moment you’ve been given a truth drug. Tell me, where would you want to start?”
His taupe eyes dart back and forth between mine before stopping as he comes to some sort of conclusion. “Truth?”
“Truth.”
“I want the grand tour. Everything. If there’s access, I want inside.” He rushes out the words so there’s zero chance he can hesitate or stumble. He surprises me even more by continuing after only a short breath. “Everything is there. I’m not broken. There’s just a constantly hovering guilt. And that, I’m pretty sure, the other guys don’t have an issue with.”
That does not ruin him in my eyes. Not at all. This girl gets more and more smitten by the second. I grimace and let out a snorty huff of laughter. “They feel guilt. It just takes a lot of effort for a hard ass to reveal such deep, dark secrets.”
Speaking of secrets, a new song cues, and I recognize it right away — a favorite of mine that I had divulged to Brodi during his first night with me. We talked about music for hours. Every rally, he gets a hold of the system and plays songs I like. My heart flutters away from Zane for a hot second and boomerangs to Brodi before coming back again.
