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“I don’t…I don’t understand. Did you miss your pill?” His fingertips drill into his temples. He rips one hand away to wave it at me. “Did you?”
My hackles rise at his tone. Regardless of his emotions, I steady mine. Conversations go nowhere when two adults yell at one another, and I need to keep this civil. “No, I didn’t forget to take my pill. I guess this just happens sometimes.”
I observe him cautiously as if sizing up an angry dog. Except that dog is a wolf, and if angry enough, it’ll eat me alive.
Nathan looks straight at the ground, bobbing his head a couple of times. In one fluid motion, he propels himself from my couch and stands. His fists clench and unclench at his sides. Without another word, he storms to and then out of my front door.
That is not how I expected this conversation to go.
Not in the slightest.
5
Nathan
My Darling Nathan,
These hospital chairs are too small, aren’t they? At least, that’s all I can think, night after night, when I look over and see your massive body crammed into it. You’ve refused to share my bed and won’t leave to sleep at home, and as sweet as that is, I wish you’d start to let go.
I’m dying, my love. By the time you read this, I will already be gone.
You know what I’m going to say. We’ve had this conversation many times before, but I’m hoping that by writing it down and you reading it, maybe it’ll sink in.
That, and I can’t sleep right now, so here goes nothing.
I’m getting weaker. My heart beats slower. And each time I close my eyes, I can’t help but wonder if it’ll be the last time. The time when I slowly slip beneath the surface of consciousness and don’t return.
I want you to hold my hand as I enter the darkness, and I also wish with every part of my being that you don’t have to be here for that. We both know you witness more than enough pain and suffering in your career, and it hurts so bad that as your wife, I couldn’t give you a reprieve.
That said, when I leave this world, I want you to let me go. There’s nothing noble about being so young and carrying a torch for something that no longer exists.
I picture for you a life filled with love because you’re the most loving man I know.
I envision your home brimming with laughter because you have the best laugh. Your dimples are the first thing I noticed about you.
I would choose for you a woman who is a hard worker and understands your need to help others. I’d also choose her to be soft in a way she needs you to protect her. Women have this weird trait where we think we have to be strong all the time, but that’s simply not true. The perfect woman for you will know this and embrace it. She’ll let you dote on her, but she’ll also dote on you.
I’d want someone who could sit across the room from you while you sleep, like I am now, listening to your slow, even breaths, and know she is the luckiest girl just for knowing you. Even if that time is cut short.
All I ask is you give it a chance. One date. Even a night at Calypso’s would suffice. Don’t close your heart to love. You deserve it more than anybody in this world.
You’re starting to stir, which means I need to pretend to be asleep so you can sneak into my bed and cuddle for a while before your shift. Yes, I’ve known the entire time. I haven’t told you because I think you’re grieving for me already, and this is the start of you letting go.
Hug me until it’s the last time.
Kiss me until our final goodbye.
Then let me go, Nathan.
Love again and be well. That is my biggest wish.
Yours in spirit,
Janessa
Folding the note carefully, I overlook the rushing river below the Swinging Bridge. This was Janessa’s favorite place, and I often find myself coming back when I simply need to think. Birds chirp a song. The water sluices through the rocks below. Even with the whirr of bike tires passing, I still find it peaceful.
My fingers curl around the worn notebook paper grasped tightly between my fingertips, careful not to accidentally drop it. My elbows brace against the rough wood railing, and I tip my face to the waning afternoon sun. All I want to do is sink down to my knees and beg God for an
