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swers.
I want to talk to Janessa and ask her what to do.
I did as you asked, and look what happened.
My heart feels as though it’s chipping away, piece by piece. A chisel carving away chunks of granite until nothing remains but an echo. I’ve fucked everything up. This is the greatest betrayal imaginable to my dead wife.
Sex is one thing. I’m a virile man with needs. A small trickle of women have kept me from wearing out my right hand. I think even if she hadn’t left me this note, she would understand.
But creating a child with another woman?
A woman, who is one of my best friends and also happened to comfort me when my wife’s illness took her.
It was meant to be one night and nothing more. A drunken exchange between friends. A chance to explore something we both knew would never go beyond a physical release. So maybe that filtered into two mind-blowing, unforgettable experiences.
The taste of her lingers. Her fingertips remain like a brand. The pleasurable moans play on an endless loop through my head.
The remarkable connection isn’t one I’ll soon forget, but not a single part of me ever meant for it to be…this.
And I don’t have the first clue how to put us back together without permanently marring our friendship.
6
Kiersten
After I let Nathan go—yes, I’m telling myself I let him because if I think of the alternative, which is that he stormed from my house without a single world about the bomb I dropped on him other than accusing me of missing my birth control pill, I may lose my freaking mind. Anyway, I let him go and surfed all the streaming channels I have, which is a lot. At some point, I fell asleep. Not before I decided I wouldn’t tell Cami about his freak-out until tomorrow when she had to work with him again. That would be an appropriate time to warn her that I may have singlehandedly imploded our years-long friendship and to brace for impact.
Eeek!
As it is, a couple of hours have passed. I clutch my phone like I can will it to bing with a text from him at least telling me he’s calming down, and we can talk later. Anything to let me know that I didn’t just lose one of my best friends over something beyond my control.
This, ladies (and gentlemen), is why it’s imperative to keep an established friend zone and not cross those lines. I repeat, Do Not Cross Lines.
Sweltering, I throw my blankets off my lap for what feels like the umpteenth time and check the time. Two hours ticked by since he left and still nothing.
A pounding comes from my front door, and I race to it in a panic. Images of Cami telling me Nathan wrapped his truck around a tree flit mockingly around my head. I yank the door open without a care to my appearance and stop short to find the man I’ve been fretting about stationary on my doorstep.
His forearm braces against the doorjamb, and his head rests against it. Silence stretches from us both. He drops the arm heavily as though he can’t support it any longer.
Powerful legs stalk me and stop within arm’s reach. Without a spoken word, he envelops me in his sturdy arms and cocoons me against his chest. The warmth from him seeps inside me, filling crevasses and tucking itself within my bones. I breathe him in, that woodsy warm scent of his infiltrating my senses, and burrow deeper when he releases a shuddering breath.
Fear lives in us both as an insidious beast, stealing courage and planting doubt.
His palm cradles my head, holding me close and stroking at the same time. His heartbeat races beneath my ear like a metronome set to allegretto, and I wish I could take away whatever he feels at this moment.
I don’t have to wait long. He gives it to me, filleting me open with each word out of his mouth.
“Janessa was diagnosed with cancer before we could even begin trying, and then she died. We didn’t even get the chance to have a conversation about it. Right now, I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact I’m going to be a father, but the baby doesn’t belong to my wife. I’m so sorry, Kiersten. I know this hurts you, but I never pictured myself having a baby with another woman. I’m going to need some time.”
I’m powerless to halt the uncontrolled tears that stream over my lids and roll down my cheeks. My heart bleeds for him, for the pain of losing the love of his life, for this path we’ve found ourselves on that very well could be the end of our friendship. It also aches for the implication beneath the words. I may mean more to him down the road, but I’ll never be to him what Janessa is.
That doesn’t matter right now, though, does it? What matters is giving him what he needs. He’s asked for more time, and it’s within my power to grant it.
He holds me tighter, simultaneously giving me strength while leeching hope away.
I turn my face to the side so I can speak unmuffled by his chest. “I’m not in a rush, and I’m not going anywhere. Just please…” A rogue tear flows down the river on my cheek. “Let me know when you’re ready, okay?”
The pained expression on his face when confronted with my tears reveals he doesn’t want to hurt me. It’s marginally easier to give him some grace. He’s human, after all, and already experienced one of the most painful losses we as humans can ever experience. The least I can do at this moment is give him what he asks for and hope he heals enough to be an active participant in our baby’s life.
