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Don’t make a face. Don’t make a face!
She goes on. “The good news is, your measurement is perfect thus far for your due date, and your vitals look good. We’ll just keep you here a bit as a precaution, but I’m confident everything will check out.”
“Oh, okay.” I lie on the table and wait. She retrieves a nurse and whatever else they need. The nurse who took my vitals comes back with her, wheeling in a cart stacked with a machine.
“All right, Kiersten. Deann will get you set up with the non-stress test, and I’ll be back in half an hour to check on you.”
Deann wastes no time selecting belts from drawers below the cart and straps them to my belly.
“This one monitors the baby’s heart rate, and this other one will pick up your contractions. All I need is for you to relax, and the doctor will read the results at the end.”
The words fly right over my head because I’m trying to make sense of the monitor screen.
“I need to know what it means,” I stammer, the stress forcing my voice into nearly a whisper.
“Honey, you don’t have to worry. You’re in good hands. Let me show you.” She points at the number flashing in the 150s. “This is your baby’s heart rate. Nice and strong, Momma. It looks good. This here,” she says, gesturing to a moving sort of graph on the bottom, “is tracking your contractions. If you pay close attention, you might be able to feel your belly tightening until it hits the peak here and then slowly releasing until the next one.”
“So I’m really having contractions?”
“Braxton Hicks. Think of them as practice contractions. Are you okay? I’ll be back to check on you in a bit.”
She has other patients who need her attention. I offer a grateful smile even though it feels as if my face cracks. “Thank you for explaining this to me. I’ll be fine.”
The door shuts on her way out, and the heavy silence suffocates. Now that she pointed it out, I watch the monitor diligently and feel the subtleness of my belly tightening over and over again. Five minutes between one, two between another. Three minutes. All the while, my little boy’s heart stays strong and steady.
The anxiety coursing through my body is almost too much to handle. Loneliness presses down on me like an invisible force. I tell myself I don’t need to call anyone even as I dig my phone from my pocket. That I’m strong enough to endure this one thing alone.
Even if that’s true, should I have to? The true strength comes from being vulnerable enough to reach out to your tribe even when we’re strong enough to endure it alone.
I tap on his name and wait and wait. With each ring, my breath increases until the voicemail box picks up, and it stalls altogether.
Dammit. Annoyance chokes out the fear like a crushing fist.
“Nathan, it’s me again. Our baby is okay, but I’m still here having a test done. I thought if you still wanted to come by, you could. I should be here for twenty more minutes or so.” God, I sound so stupid. “I-I needed you today, but if you don’t want to be involved, you could send a text as a courtesy.” My voice cracks, and a tear drips from the corner of my eye. I end the call before my emotions get the best of me, and I beg him to show up like I want to. I’m alone, and I’m scared. Both the doctor and nurse made it seem like this wasn’t that big of a deal, but it’d be nice to have someone familiar to lean on. Someone who wants to be here.
The thought reminds me that I do have someone. I have several someones.
I scroll to the top of my contact list and jab the button to call Cami at home. The phone trills once.
“Hello?” Law’s deep, masculine voice is like a sledgehammer against the dam containing my emotions.
“It’s, um, i-it’s …” I hiccup, and the tears flood loose, clogging my throat and my nose and making it even harder to breathe.
“Kiersten? What’s the matter?” he barks, instantly on high alert.
“Is Cami home?” I finally push out. Although it comes out in one high-pitched iscamihome.
His deep voice rumbles across the line, soothing now that he realizes it’s not an imminent danger and rather female emotions. “She’s out with Evelyn. What’s going on, honey?”
I drag in a lungful of air that feels anything but satisfying. Everything is constricted. “I had a scare. At my appointment. I’m just really alone.”
“He’s not there?” The edge to his tone is unmistakable. As is who he refers to. The two are friendly now, but that wasn’t always the case, especially when they were mid-pissing match over Cami not so long ago.
“No, he didn’t show.”
Law mutters something under his breath that I don’t catch across the line.
“Do you need me there?”
