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“What did you read?” He releases my arm and takes a step back. His backside leans against the front rail of the crib. Arms crossed over his chest, he flicks his eyes back and forth between the mess on the floor and my face.
His tone uneases me more than if he started yelling, and I find myself blank on the right words to say.
“Did you learn enough? Do you want to discuss what the letters from my dead wife say?” Dead wife sounds so raspy and painful as if those words claw their way through his throat from the deepest, darkest part of his soul, puncturing the vulnerable flesh with sharp nails.
“I know I shouldn’t have.”
“How about the therapy I started when I found out you were pregnant? Should we talk about that?”
“I completely understand that it’s private.”
“Do you now? Did you just learn the meaning of privacy in the past thirty seconds or did you understand that concept before you nosed your way into that box of letters?”
“I’m so sorry.”
Nathan rolls his tongue around his mouth, appearing to mull over what to say next. Yelling would be preferred to this composed quiet.
“If you’re so desperate for information, why not just ask?”
“It’s not like that!” I cry, not one for controlling my own emotions, and that brings me back to what Janessa said about being wild to his calm. She sure had us pegged there.
“When you told me you were pregnant, I was so sick. I couldn’t face myself.”
Well, that’s a stab in the gut if I’ve ever felt one. “I think I should go—”
“Not because of you! I couldn’t get the taste of you out of my mind for weeks. And I let that plague me.” His tortured voice stops my struggle to stand. “How could I have been as in love with Janessa as I thought if one night with you consumed me so much? That’s when I started therapy. To work through wanting you as much as I do. I missed your doctor appointments when I couldn’t get enough time off work for both because I couldn’t tell my boss where I was going.”
“You could have told me. Not that I’m trying to turn this on you because I shouldn’t have looked in the box. But you should know by now you can always tell me anything.”
He scrubs his palm over his downturned mouth. “It’s not like that. It’s not that simple.”
I furrow my brow. Confusion flitters through with every beat of my heart. “Of course it is! You’re one of my best friends.”
“And I’m madly in love with you!”
A hundred thoughts sift through my head at a rapid pace, but I can’t focus on one long enough to utter a response. Nathan doesn’t seem to need one because he keeps going.
“Have been for a long time. And I get it. I get your need for just friends and space, but I love you. Whatever needs to happen now is going to happen, but I can’t go another day without letting you know. I don’t want you to go through giving birth to my son without knowing that I’m so in love with you that there’s nobody I’d rather have a baby with.” He chuckles without humor and rubs his eyes. “God, if only you knew how much I had to pay someone to be able to utter those words out loud. It’s not even funny how screwed up I am.”
“You aren’t screwed up. But…” I blow out a deep breath, hoping this doesn’t kill the remainder of our friendship. I reinforce my spine with steel and will the tears from my eyes. “It doesn’t change what I want.”
He jabs a finger into his chest. “And what about what I want? If you’re afraid to start this with me because you think we’ll eventually break up, I’d tell you that I don’t have a crystal ball. What’s life without a little risk?”
The challenge in his voice encourages me to argue. I cradle my belly and inject myself with calm. “Why do we have to play with risks right now? Why can’t we wait until we’re more settled in this new life?”
“Because if life has taught me anything, it’s that we don’t always have time to wait. Even if we have all the time in the world, I don’t want to wait. I’ve waited for months now while I got my head on straight. I don’t want to waste any more time without you.”
The battle against my tears is lost, and one trickles down my cheek. I muster enough strength to propel myself to my feet and hold my arms out at my sides. My heart bangs against my ribs as if it’s trying to go to him. “You have me, Nathan. You’ve always had me, and I’m not going anywhere.”
His own eyes turn red at the edges, and he approaches with measured steps. Cupping both my arms at the elbows, he draws me nearer. “It’s not enough. I want all of you in every part of my life.”
“I- oh, god.”
“What is it?”
Another small gush soaks my underwe
ar.
