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“I wanted to have a baby.” She clenches her fists and looks away. “I wanted to have a baby more than I wanted anything else. Anything,” she repeats with vehemence. “I was willing to give up everything to make it happen. I did give up everything to make it happen, and I still failed.”
Puzzle pieces rain down around me. I’m not sure which one to pick up first to help put it together, or even if I can. The pain crackles in the air around us as she fights to keep her agony leashed.
“I went to appointments. I shut down my business to make the time. I did the research, and he didn’t even notice. I sank further and further into depression, and he didn’t have a clue what I was dealing with. Not once did he ask.”
She casts a corner piece my way, and I latch onto it like a lifeline.
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
“Because a defect is still a defect, even if you cover it with tape and glue.”
“Rosie.”
“The harder it got, the longer it went without him asking even that first question of are you okay, the more I didn’t want him to. It led to fights, and then more fights, and by then, I didn’t know how to tell him what I’d done and the hole I’d dug myself into. I was planning to marry the man, and he didn’t even notice I was about the slip beneath the surface and drown. That I’m still drowning. I still can’t have a baby.”
I close the distance between us in two strides, stopping close enough to see firsthand the tears cascading from her olive-green eyes.
“I left him in my mind before I found the courage to leave physically. What sort of partner sees the supposed love of their life struggling and doesn’t even acknowledge it? It was like I was a burden to him, and it was easier to pretend I didn’t exist. When he announced he couldn’t go through with the wedding, all I felt was relief. I was relieved I didn’t have to find a way to end it myself.”
“That’s an understandable reaction.”
She shakes her head and drops her chin to her chest. “I wanted to have a baby so badly that I ran myself into debt. Not the nice kind of debt, like when you purchase something you really want and can enjoy it as you pay the hefty monthly bill because it’s all worth the trouble. This is the kind of debt that has me living out of my car until I can save up enough money to pay it back.”
My muscles lock so tight they cramp. I force myself to keep an even tone. “The bad kind.”
“The really bad kind. The kind where I spent a ridiculous sum of money, but there wasn’t a reward for the risk.”
“How much are we talking?” I’m already tabulating ways to get Nora to end this charade so I can help Evie as soon as possible. I have more than enough in the bank to loan her some if it means she can sleep in a warm bed rather than her driver’s seat.
“It doesn’t matter. Even when I pay it back, my credit is already ruined from the late payments. I tried getting an apartment about two hours from home, and not a single one would approve my application with my dismal credit score. I ended up wasting money at a hotel while I tried to come up with a plan. My brother ratted me out to my ex, who then came looking for me.”
“He knows you’re struggling with debt and just let you go a second time?” I want to snarl at the thought. I don’t know this guy from Adam, but he sounds like a fuckup.
She brushes her cheekbone with her thumb. “No,” she huffs. “Neither of them knows about the money. They’re best friends, my brother and Tate. They’ve both looked out for me since my parents died. He offered to let me come back and stay until I was on my feet. He thought I just couldn’t find an available apartment. But I couldn’t go back.”
“I don’t understand how he doesn’t know about the money.”
“I didn’t tell him. I used the cash we’d saved to pay for a surgery out of pocket, and I opened a credit card
under my name to charge the wedding costs. I thought he’d figure it out, but when he asked about the missing cash, and I told him I used it for wedding deposits, he never questioned it.”
Ghost nudges my pant leg. I reach down to pet her without taking my eyes off Evie. “You have to tell them. Even if you don’t want them to help you, it might make you feel better.”
She walks closer to the edge. Seeing her surrounded by the open sky and nearby cliffs is breathtaking.
“For all my life, I’ve been taken care of. My parents were incredible up until I lost them. Eric and Tate were only eighteen at the time, and neither batted an eye about driving me around town and making sure nothing could ever hurt me. I went from living with my brother to living with Tate when we started dating. I’ve never had the chance to stand on my own two feet. And maybe I’m a bit reckless and don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I need to figure it out one way or the other. This is my mess to clean up.”
I move closer to where she speaks her truth into the wide open and drop into a crouch at her side. Ghost plops to my left. I sit on the sun-warmed rocks, mulling over a response. While I understand her desire for independence, I can’t relate. I’ve been financially independent since I turned twenty-one and received my inheritance from my grandfather. I learned to invest and grow that lump sum into a number over a million. That is, until Nora stepped in with her greedy hands.
“That may be true, but you can let someone care for you in the emotional sense. Your brother would want to know, even if you don’t want to tell your ex.”
“Who made you the emotional guru anyway?” She looks at her shoes and shakes her head. As the silence stretches, I sense she’s embarrassed.
“How about this. When I first found out my ex-wife cheated on me, I needed to get away from her for a while. I spent about two hours driving around the perimeter of the town before I realized I wasn’t actually getting anywhere besides pissed. I decided to find a place where I could shout or throw something without someone calling the cops. This area is a well-known hiking spot, and the parking lot was so busy I had to park near the back of the lot. That’s when I spotted this trail.” I lower my chin to my chest and hang my head as the memories of when I realized the dream was over rush in. “I’ve come back at least once a week since, even in the winter.”
When I look up, I find her staring down at me as if she’s soaking in each word. As if hearing about someone else’s pain makes her forget her own for just a second.
“You realize we’re going to share this space now, right? I mean, you can’t bring me here and not expect me to return.”
