AllFreeNovel
Share Us
3
Caiti
My heart whips upin a frenzy the moment Ophelia is out of my sight. Cami instructs me to sit on the stretcher, but I can’t help looking back to the apartment door.
“She’s safe with Dane.” The paramedic rests a reassuring hand on my arm, forcing my gaze back to her face. “He’s a good friend of ours.”
“I know she is.” I swallow hard. “He’s her father after all.”
If the admission surprises Cami, she schools her features quickly.
“But if I die, I should have hugged and kissed her one last time.” The regret in my tone is crafted through experience.
The pretty brunette lowers herself to my level. “I think it’s likely you’re experiencing some intense anxiety. You’re going to see your daughter again when we get to the hospital, okay?”
Anxiety?
“I don’t have a problem with anxiety.” I mean, sure, I don’t like using the phone to order a pizza or schedule a doctor’s appointment, but that proves true for ninety percent of millennials. I don’t think the intense dislike constitutes anxiety, though.
With a nod to her partner, Cami unlocks the wheels and steers me toward the ambulance.
“Whoa.” I squeeze my eyes shut. A rush of dizziness washes over me.
She slides me in before climbing up after me. Once the doors shut, Cami works on placing sticky pads on my chest and ankles and attaches the wires to the pads. They lead to a machine I assume is the EKG.
“This will give us a quick look at your heart before we get there.”
Moving backward while driving sends a wave of nausea to accompany the other sensations I’ve felt today. My mind races until I can’t even focus on Cami. She takes another blood pressure and disconnects the wires but leaves the sticky pads attached to my skin. Cars drive behind us, and I wonder if they’re thinking about who’s in this ambulance. If anyone out there can understand the experience I’ve gone through today.
That’s absurd. I’m not the first person to have an emergency, but I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life. Eric isn’t here. He hasn’t been for years, and I have nobody to call for support.
Neither did he.The thought flashes before I can stop it, followed swiftly by the images of him dying alone beside me.
I squeeze my eyes shut. Intrusive thoughts, a therapist called them. He said they’re normal and harmless, and the best course of action is not to dwell on them. A skill I’m far from mastering at this point.
“How are you doing?” Cami’s kind voice retrieves me from my thoughts.
“As good as I can be.”
“Try to calm yourself down. Breathe deeply into your stomach, almost like you’re trying to push it out,” she coaches. “We’re almost there.”
As I try what she says, I feel some of the tension ease and the palpitations slow.
“You’re good at this.”
She casts me a proud smile. “Are you staying in town?” Her attempt at conversation reminds me of my plans—or lack of. I mentally mapped out my steps for this impromptu trip, but this detour cramps my strategy.
“I might need a hotel room. Depending on how long this takes at the hospital.”
“Dane can give you directions once you’re all fixed up. I’m sure you have enough on your mind right now and don’t need to add remembering where to go.”
“Thanks.”
“Your EKG looks normal, so that’s reassuring.”
I manage a weak smile but internally brush off her statement. One normal EKG doesn’t mean I’m in the all clear. There could be another defect somewhere that she doesn’t know about. It happened to Eric.
The thought sends my heart racing again.
“Remember to take slow, deep breaths.” When I glance her way, she waves her hand at a monitor.
“Oh,” I say in response to the 150 beats-per-minute heart rate flashing on the screen.
The duo unloads me a few minutes later with practiced ease and pushes me inside. The torpid emergency room seems chaotic in my mind. My focus is shot as I try to assess everything around me while taking stock of each internal twitch and pinch and pull.
The click of the wheels locking rings as loud as a prison door locking me inside. The last thing I want right now is to be trapped and alone.
“Don’t leave.” I capture Cami’s forearm.
“I wasn’t going to. We’re just transferring you to the hospital bed.”
The breath expelling from my lungs shakes on its exit.
“I’m sorry. I’m not usually like this.” I swipe a loose lock of hair from my forehead. I can only imagine my frazzled appearance after the morning I’ve had. “I’ve lived alone for the past three years and managed.” Just barely. The words spill forth as a means to fill the silence. Or explain why I seem like a crazy person.
The thought of actually losing my mind sends a lightning jolt through me. Is this the beginning of true insanity? I toss the pulse oximeter off my finger and throw my legs over the side of the bed. A feeling of doom surfaces, and something inside begs me to flee.
“Wait, where are you going?” Cami blocks my path.
“I need to go. I need to get Ophelia and leave. I can’t stay here.”
The thoughts continue pummeling me. Images of doctors in white coats locking me away and social workers taking my daughter. Thoughts of lying sedated in my bedroom, unable to get up and function. With each powerful image, the hot sensation spasms in my stomach, encouraging the fear to grow.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
This isn’t me. I fight against the riotous sensations.
“Caiti, listen to me. You’re panicking. Today has been scary, but you aren’t alone. You’re going to get through this.”
“How do you know?”
“Because we were built for hard things. There’s no other way around but to push through.”
My chest tightens in response to her words, and I rub my fist against the spot to alleviate the burning ache. A noise from behind the sweet paramedic snags my attention. I’d never admit it out loud, but the perfidious heart in my chest ticks a few beats slower at the stoic, dark-haired man leaning against the doorframe with my daughter tight to his hip.
And my next breath in stutters with a mix of relief and unshed tears.
“Hanging in there, Mama?” Dane asks in a low, unreadable tone.
“Yeah,” I force through a dry throat and pair it with a super-cool thumbs-up. I am the picture of composed today. This is nothing like how I imagined his induction to fatherhood would go. By the looks of the two of them, I’d say Dane’s figured out why I’m here, and he’s staking his claim. On his daughter. Not me. I’m ninety-seven percent certain if I hadn’t had a mysterious episode outside his door, I’d already have received an ass chewing and an order to turn my car around and leave town.
Or something along those lines.
Someone finally arrives, a nurse or a tech, nudging Dane out of the way to triage me with more vitals. My heart rate has decreased to around one hundred, which surprises me because it still feels like the organ is trying to flee my chest, but my blood pressure remains high.
“We’re going to take you for some blood work, an X-ray, and another EKG.”
I slap on a brave face for my audience, not wanting to show my fear of what the tests may reveal.
“We’ll be waiting here when you get back,” Dane says while I transfer to a wheelchair for my tests.
“I’m sorry.”
The tech pushes me toward the door.
