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11
Caiti
Anticipation ripsthrough me as a tech squirts warm gel on a section of my bare chest in a darkened room. The ultrasound screen casts a dim glow over his apathetic features. After a visit with the cardiologist, Dr. Chaing sent me for an echocardiogram. He wasn’t overly concerned with my oral history, but putting a visual on my heart gives me peace of mind I wouldn’t have found otherwise.
The tech engages in stilted small talk as he captures images of my heart. The painless test doesn’t take even a full thirty minutes before he hands me a towel to clean off the goop.
“I’m not supposed to say this, but I didn’t see anything concerning. Your doctor will reach out with the official results.”
I clutch the opening in my gown to cover my breasts. The sweet warmth of relief floods me like it was injected straight into my veins. “I really appreciate that. Thank you.”
He leaves with a nod, and I immediately dress. My heart might still beat hard and fast randomly throughout the day, but nothing is wrong with me structurally. Knowing Eric died from an undetected anomaly, a blanket of peace settles over me.
“If this is your way of watching over me, thank you,” I whisper. The answering ache in my chest brings a tender comfort.
Sunbeams temporarily blind me when I step out onto the concrete sidewalk. I snatch my sunglass from my hair and plop them over my eyes with one hand while the other digs in my bag for my phone. Without much fanfare, I tap Dane’s name and hit call.
“Hey, how’d it go?”
A gentle exhale gives me pause. “It went well.”
“That’s great. I suppose you have to wait for any news?”
“I should, but the technician said he didn’t see anything wrong.”
“I’m really glad you’re okay.” His low tenor settles somewhere deep inside me.
“Anyway, I don’t want to interrupt you two. I just wanted to confirm when you need to be at the bar.”
“Three thirty. If you need more time—”
I cut him off. “No. That’s perfect. I’ll leave you to it. Have fun.”
“We will. See you later.”
“Bye.”
A twitch of my shoulders shakes off the lingering awkwardness. I’m sure with time, our situation will become natural. We’ll rock this co-parenting duo for as long as I’m in town. For however long that happens to be.
After three years of being alone, having people to lean on has been a life saver. When assistance is a phone call and a short drive away. The thought of returning to my home across the country packs a boulder in my gut. Colorado was the first home I shared with Eric before we moved to Germany. Even though he’s no longer there, moving permanently feels a bit like leaving him behind.
I settle behind the steering wheel in my car with a sag of exhaustion. Sleep is spotty, and mornings begin around five a.m. with a racing heart and churning stomach. The doctor’s order for two weeks of rest remains a humorous joke. I don’t think parents are allowed to relax until their kids go to college, and even then, nights are fraught with worry. What do I know? Maybe this is just how it is for moms. I haven’t had any friends to compare notes.
Cranking the ignition slickens my palms with sweat. This morning, the daily driving practice allowed me to cross town with relative ease. Now I have another location on my agenda, and the idea ratchets the feelings to life once again. I can do this. Nothing bad will happen to me.
The weakness I feel each day pummels my confidence levels. I should reside on a summit for all I’ve accomplished in my life, yet most days, I’m standing at base camp. Summoning the energy to be proud of myself for trivial tasks most take for granted is an endeavor.
With nothing more than sheer stubborn determination, I travel the main highway to the other end of town and park my car near the back of the lot at The Legendary.
A slight skip infiltrates my step. The whirring air conditioner in the entry greets me, a respite from the August heat. I grip the handle of my purple cosmetic case with undisguised excitement.
“Hello. You must be Caiti.” A woman of my height and appearing my age approaches from behind a reception desk.
“That’s me. I spoke with Nikki about volunteering.”
“I’m Nikki. It’s nice to meet you.” Her bright rainbow scrubs match her sunny personality, a compliment to her pomegranate-colored locks. “I’ll bring you to our spa. It’s really just an empty room with a beauty chair and mirror, but the residents love it.”
“I’m excited to spend some time with them.”
“Right this way.” She gestures for me to take the hallway to the left. “We don’t have a schedule or anything. Whenever one of our volunteers is available, we ask the ladies one at a time if they want their nails painted. When our cosmetologist comes in, she’ll give haircuts. She does operate on a schedule, so you’ll know before if she’s coming and needs the room.”
“Perfect. Well, I’m just looking for a way to give back some of my time when my daughter is with her dad.”
“Ah.” Nikki’s smile is tight and unsure. “I have a situation like that. I hope yours is working out better than mine.”
“I’m lucky, that’s for sure.” Something I don’t take for granted, which is part of the reason I’m not hanging around the loft on his time.
“Here we are.”
We reach a glass exterior door surrounded by a faux brick façade. The sign above declares it to be The Legendary Salon. Suctioned to the glass is another sign announcing the salon is open.
“I love this.” I run my finger across the brick, the bumps bringing surprise at the rough texture.
“I can give you a tour later of the rest of the building. The resident suites are individually decorated in different housing styles, each with a window, a mailbox, and a chair. They love to sit and gossip with their neighbors. Those who can, that is.” Her smile holds reminiscence and a touch of sadness. Memory care isn’t an easy place to be, I’m sure.
“I’ve only been here a few minutes, and I can tell you take very good care of the people here.”
“It isn’t easy, but I love it. They give so much back without even realizing it.”
I clap my hands together. “Well, I’m ready for my first client. Whenever you’re ready.”
“I’ll see who’s available.”
