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His body tensed. He knew I wasn’t talking about our adoptive mother. We never really brought up our old life much…the life we had before Cypress Falls. It had been filled with nothing but bad memories and shame.
“Yes, of course I remember.” He pushed back his dark hair, damp with sweat.
“I remember like it happened yesterday. I don’t think I’ll ever forget. No matter how hard I try, it’ll always be there.”
Atlas shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “There’s a lot of things about our life in that house I’ll always remember too.”
I nodded, tightening my arms around myself. “When I went to see our father in that nursing home a while back, the last thing he did before he took his dying breath was blame me for her death.” I looked away, shame washing over me.
“Ty,” Atlas breathed and I heard the pity in his voice. The anger, too.
“It wasn’t just him though. I always felt like it was my fault. When I got older and understood that she had an addiction, it didn’t really take away the guilt. Mama always depended on me when she was sad. I helped her through. And that morning…” I swallowed hard, horrified at the burning of tears at the backs of my eyes. “That morning I overslept and I wasn’t there for her. I couldn’t be strong for her when she was at her weakest.”
I cleared my throat, but before I could even look back at him, Atlas wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I tensed, surprised by his embrace. I didn’t pull back though, I let him hold me for a few minutes before he let go.
“It wasn’t your fault, Ty,” he said, his voice firm.
I nodded. “I know.”
His jaw hardened. “For a long time I felt responsible for Crew’s death.”
I blinked. He was talking about our little brother. The one we’d lost when we were young. I never knew he felt that way. Crew had died because he was sick after our father neglected to properly care for us. We went weeks without heat in the winter, days without our father coming home. If it wasn’t for Atlas, we would’ve starved long before Crew got sick. Atlas took care of us as much as a young kid could. He fished in the creek behind our house, even grew food from leftover scraps. I owed him everything.
Atlas scrubbed a hand over his jaw that was overgrown with stubble. “Back when I first met Wren, she taught me something important. She said that everything in life happens for a reason. Like Crew’s death. It was an awful, horrible thing to happen. But if Crew hadn’t gotten sick, our father would’ve never panicked and taken us away from the house. We never would’ve been left on that abandoned road and our adoptive parents never would’ve found us. Even in bad things, there is purpose.”
Purpose. What was my purpose? I thought I’d found it, but still, I wasn’t exactly happy. And what purpose was there in Charlie’s death? What purpose was there in Ellie’s pain?
“How can there be purpose in misery?” I asked, feeling a weight settle on me.
Atlas let out a slow breath. “That’s the thing, you can’t always see it when you’re in it. Sometimes, it’s the hardest things that take us where we need to go. It makes us strong enough to be who we need to be.”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be strong anymore. I massaged my temples. “I don’t know if I can be what she needs, Atlas. And if all I’m going to do is make things worse—make her hate me even more—then what good is that?”
Atlas shrugged, looking sympathetic. “You won’t know unless you try.”
“I have been trying.” I’d done everything I knew to get her to forgive me and win back her friendship. And I thought I was getting somewhere…until the day everything fell apart again. When she fell apart.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Ty. But if you love her, you’re going to have to fight for her.”
I stared at him. Did I love Ellie? I mean, I had always loved her, but did I love her as more than just my friend?
I closed my eyes. Everything I’d been trying not to think about these last few months spun through my head all at once. I thought of Ellie; how she had always been at my side no matter how many stupid, crazy things I did when we were young. She always cared. I thought of her smile and the way she made me feel important. She was my soul mate, in many ways. My partner.
Clarity rushed through me as my pulse raced. Yes, shewasmy partner. Life without her had been…dull at best. As if I had been missing the most integral part of it…the heart.
It hit me, then. Of course I loved Ellie. I loved her in every way you could love another person. Atlas was right. I couldn’t stand back anymore and ignore her. I couldn’t let her flounder along in a grief that I knew so personally.
I had to fight for her.
