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“Neither will happen,” I croaked out.
“What?” she said hoarsely.
“You heard me.”
She dropped her hand to my knee.
I pushed it off, stopping myself from doing the opposite, from grabbing it and peppering kisses all over it.
She winced.
“What are you saying? I don’t understand,” she said, her expression turning stoic, determined.
Oh, no. She was going to fight for us. Faced with her formidable will, I’d crumble. I was the one who wanted to drop to my knees, take her achingly beautiful face in my hands, and beg her for forgiveness. I wanted to worship at her feet, worship her pussy with my tongue until I made the bad words I uttered disappear.
But I couldn’t.
I stiffened my spine. I had to do this. For her. She was my priority.
I rallied, gathering every ounce of grit and determination inside me, wrapping myself in it.
First, I had to put physical distance between us.
Standing up abruptly, I walked past her, pushing her with my thigh, tipping her over so she slid down to the floor. My hands shook from the urge to touch her, to grab her to me, to smother her with my mouth. Instead of doing any of those things, I clenched them into tight balls and ground down on my back teeth.
Glaring at her, I said, “Why are you making me spell it out, Clara? We’re done. Over. Finished.”
“W-what?” she stammered over the word.
“For a smart girl, you sure are slow on the uptake,” I sneered.
Her eyes blew out so wide, I could see the white around them. Panic. I saw the panic, but then I watched, riveted, as she took control of it. Fuck, she was glorious. She locked down her emotions, but I knew her too well. I recognized her tells, like the tightness around her beautiful, lush mouth. The one I had wrapped around my cock this morning. God, I’d miss that, but it was nothing compared to how much I’d miss her. Her essence, her sass and spirit, her intelligence, and her magnificent, giving heart. I had to tread carefully; I had to disable her intelligence if I was going to convince her I didn’t love her anymore. Even saying it in my mind gutted me.
Panic wasn’t enough to make her reject me. I had to shove her over the edge into a place of fury and rage.
“You don’t mean it,” she declared. “Something is making you say this to me, but you don’t have to protect me, Tatum. I’m a grown woman, and I can take care of myself. I’m here for you no matter what’s happened. We can figure this out together.”
If I could’ve guaranteed that I’d survive my assignment to kill Ivanov, then I would’ve given it a chance. But there was no such guarantee, and it was my duty to protect her against the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario being the most likely scenario.
I clenched my stomach into a tight knot to give me strength and winced. Damn, my ribs were definitely bruised.
God, give me strength, I prayed before slashing my hand in the air and saying, “No, there’s no ‘us,’ there’s no ‘together.’ You think you’re a grown-ass woman, but you’ll never be grown enough for me. I’m sick and tired of pandering to a pampered little princess who follows her father’s every command.”
She fell back, breaking her fall at the last second by planting her hand on the ground behind her. I couldn’t have hurt her more if I’d physically slapped her in the face.
“I don’t love you anymore,” I choked out.
If I said I’d never loved her, she wouldn’t have believed me. Even this was far-fetched, but I had to do my best.
“I see.”
The two words came out no louder than a whisper, but they boomed through the room like a heavy bass.
Pounding the nails in the coffin, I went on, “I don’t want a woman. Relationships aren’t for me. Never had one before and thought I was missing out, but after trying it, I realized I’m better off alone.”
I forced my eyes down, glaring down my nose at her. She was sprawled on the floor, in shock.
The buttons of her silk shirt strained at the heaving of her big tits. Fuck, I longed to drop to my knees, haul her to my chest, press her nose into my throat and breathe her in.
