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All of a sudden, Bryan turns sideways and wraps his arms around me. His sobs become louder when he lays his head in my lap.
“I’m so sorry, Lo. I’m so sorry.” He repeats it over and over again, his voice becoming hoarse after the fifth time. “I miss him so fucking much.”
My heart splinters into a million pieces. The sound of his voice, the way his body trembles in my arms, the way he looks like a little boy grieving is too much. I hunch my body over his and we both cry out our pain. My tears mix with his as they land on my thighs.
Although I wanted my brother with me to help cope with the loss of our dad, I still had our mom and Minnie. Bryan made the choice to push us all away and go down the road he went down, and that choice left him all alone. He had no one to hold his hand and grieve with him. He’s kept it bottled up inside this whole time, and as much as it hurts me to see him like this, I know this is what he needs. I send up a silent prayer that this is the first step of him healing, and ultimately getting better.
His cries quiet down, but he doesn’t stop. His body still quakes with sobs and his arms around my waist tighten. I run my fingers through his dirty hair, trying to give him any comfort he’ll allow me to give him.
“Shh…” I whisper once my own cries diminish to low hiccups.
“Please, Lo,” he says raggedly. “I can’t do this on my own. Please help me.”
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” I tell him.
I hold him tight to me, silently telling him I’ll help him through this. It’s going to be hard and difficult, and I’m sure there will be times he wants to quit, but I’ll be by his side, pushing him forward.
“You fucking son of a bitch,” a low growl comes.
I look up and see a pair of green eyes filled with pure hatred.
