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I think it is a quest of literature throughout the ages to describe the human condition
WERNER HERZOG
Iwanted to strip for this man, and I’d never wanted to strip for any man, for any reason—especially not romantic reasons-and I didn’t mean just my clothes. I wanted to make him explode like he had made me with just one look. One wink, one perfect arched brow looking at me under rainbow lights of a club I had no reason to really be in.
I twisted my hair as I bit the inside of my lip mindlessly thinking of him and his eyes. And his lips and what they would feel like on my skin. All over my body. Eric had never evoked such feelings, desires, or animal need before. This man hadn’t even touched me, and I was up all night with him on my mind. Never, not once in the five years, had Eric ever caused me to stay up for even an hour thinking of him.God, Bellz, I would sell my soul just to have a minute with you to tell you about him.Watching the leaves dance on the tree limbs as little orbs of dew fall from the leaves to the ground below catching the yellow hue of a new day as they fall. Gave me an idea for my dance tonight. ‘Isee it, Bre, I see it all.’Her voice is so close, yet I know she’s not here.
I want to slip into his soul, Bellz, and unearth every single quality, trait, and bad habit that he has. Who was he? What was his story? Why did he offer me his handkerchief and follow me? Where is he from? I wanna know it all. Bellz.I sip my coffee and wondered if asking my dead friend questions is crazy, like, have I lost it?Talk to me, Bellz, what do you think? Oooo, I bet you could find out for me. you could slip in as a ghost and gather intel.
I laughed over my coffee cup, my father’s eyes peered over the edge of his newspaper, eyeing me with a pointed glare. My mother walked in and dramatically fell down in the chair next to me. Her white, satin dressing gown billowed around her, sending her signature scent of Daisy by Marc Jacobs swirling around us. Father didn’t even pay any attention to her, and I gave a subtle eye roll.‘The Queen has arrived. Now sit up straight, Brenyn, and be an attentive audience to her majesty,’Bellz snickered next to mother dearest. I choked down another laugh as Mother flew into a full-blown panic of where had I been and what had I been doing. She knew I wasn’t at Bellz’ parents.
“Where were you, Brenyn?” she badgered. “So?”
I pinned my glare on her. She hadn’t brushed her hair, her mascara was smeared as was her red lipstick. God, woman, you’re a mess, I thought. “So what?” I leaned back in my chair as Dad folded the paper, placing it to the side of his breakfast tray and picking up his cup of Earl Grey Tea. He avoided eyes contact with her, I didn’t even need to look at him to know. I could feel his eyes on me.
“Brenyn, did you stay in the penthouse downtown?” I pulled my eyes from my mother’s and meet his.
“Why, Father, yes, I did.” His finger ran over his chin.
“Well, Orla, now you know where she was.” He pressed his hands on top of the crisp white table cloth. “She has just lost her best friend. Can you not be a Mother for once and not the child.” He strode toward us both. Mother’s mouth flung open like she was going to speak but the words didn’t follow her thoughts. Father leaned down and kissed the top of my head. “Take the time you need, but, darling, I do have a meeting in the parlor in an hour if you could please attend.” I moved my eyes up to meet my father’s as I leaned back in the chair.
“Of course, Da.” His smile was small, but I could tell he appreciated it. Why else would you have your brother shape his niece into the most sought-after lawyer if not to be able to use her for family matters.
“You both act like I’m not even in the same room,” Mother dear spat in my direction as the maid walked in with her breakfast tray. She placed it down in front of her and made her way to clear Da’s end of the table. “Why?” she asked me as I moved to stand from the table.
“Why, you ask, Mother.” I looked down at her through my thick black lashes. So many of my features I received from her. My father gave me his ambition and his street smarts. Mother gave me looks and a fine bone structure. Father gave me my back bone and height. “This is why, Mother.” I flipped the bottles of pills over on her tray. “Because you live for pills and a tea cup of warm vodka with a slice of lemon. That’s why.” I leant down and kissed her cheek.
“It’s just a bad day, Brenyn. It hurts, ok?” Her voice broke as she tried to maintain her strength, trying to fight the urge to down the drink in one gulp and slip each one of those magic pills under her tongue. Then she’d sit in her room, in her satin, all day, chasing the sun with her eyes and not able to move.
Absolute wasted unit and embarrassing.
“Mrs. H,” I called out. She scurried in, never too far.
“Yes, Miss Brenyn?” Her voice was so soft and warm she was like a hot cocoa with fluffy marshmallows on a rainy winter’s day.
“Can you please help mother to the library. It’s going to have the best sun today.” Smiling at me she nodded her head.
“Yes, Miss Brenyn.” She slipped past me as I walked out of the room.
I wished that I was a wrecking ball, so I could break the mold around her and get my mother back. Slowly over the years, I watched her fade away and lock herself in stone, requiring me to pull her from the wreckage she reaped time and time again. All I wanted was for her to hug me, kiss me and tuck me in at night. Read me a bedtime story, not I doing that for her. I was the child. She the mother.
‘Brenyn, it’s been ten years since she locked herself away and you become the mother,’Bellz spoke as I walked up the grand staircase toward my bedroom. I was in the grey sweat pants from the hospital and the white tee. I hadn’t been home since she died and I found Club Envy. My belongings from the hospital sat at the end of my bed and I fell to my knees. ‘I’ll always be with you, Brenyn. Don’t cry.’I knew she wouldn’t want my tears, but holy hell, it’s hard.
