Page 17 of Dark Obsession


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“Who was I to have now to get me outta my head? I ask you because I have no clue. Who was I to go to now when I had a bad day and the idiots of Chicago had gotten on my last nerve. My brothers were fighting my father, far too busy with work and my mother having another episode.” I could feel their evil eyes mixed with shock and the sad ones of the mourners inside the church. I winked at Bellz. She laughed, crossing her other leg over Killian’s. He stifled a laugh. “You see it was always Bellz and I. It always has been. Here’s what I most want you to know, this really is as bad as you think. No matter what anyone else says, this sucks. What happened can’t be undone. Her death can’t be reversed, nor can her pain. She suffered. It was violent and it broke us all including her parents, her brother and me. We stayed, we battled and we held her. I never let her go. I wanted to drown in her pain and leave with her. What is lost can’t be restored. There was no beauty in losing her or her last days. We are in pain and it cannot be made better by a bunch of flowers or a sorry for your loss, because they are empty. So empty. You will all leave here and carry on. We will leave here and not know where to start, where she ends and we begin again, because for the last twenty-eight months we have been immersed in her. Staring at her and wishing that we could keep her. I have six ways to say that I broke beyond belief and my heart froze the night I lost her. I have six ways to explain how much I loved her the moment I first saw her. I have six ways to explain to you all how utterly lost I will be without her. The realty of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of. We don’t need solutions, nor do we need to move on from our grief. We need someone to see our grief, to acknowledge it. I need someone to hold my hand while I stand there blinking in horror, staring at the dark hole that was my life. Without her I have no sun light, no rainbow, no hue of orange on a brilliant sunset or deep red of a rising dawn. I have gloomy, rainy mist wrapped in a heavy fog of grief. My light is switched off. So with that I ask you to remember that she was remarkable. She was far too beautiful for this world. She was absolute magic and I will forever seek her out inside my dreams because inside my mind we will always have a forever. Bella boo, my own piece of heaven, I shall forever miss you. With a shattered heart and a lost soul I will seek you inside the night time hours and walk with you into the rising sun of a new day to beg for the moon to kiss the sun goodnight. I will look for your smile in all the places that we have been. I will chase your laughter on the cusps of the wind and I will seek you inside my dreams. I love you, Bellz, forever and always.” I went to step from the podium, tripped and fell to my knees. My palms crashed over her coffin and my body screamed out in a soul shattering scream of grief mixed with pain. I choked on tears, begging for air, not wanting to say goodbye because it hurts far more brutally that you would ever know. Killian’s huge hands reached for me, picking me up and cradling me against his chest as he carried me like a baby back to our seat. I cried into his chest as the priest closed the service and asked us to please stand. I couldn’t carry her out to the hole in the ground waiting for her, I knew I would fall into the cold earth and stay with her forever. I didn’t trust myself. “I can’t.” I shook into him. “I can’t,” I begged and pleaded with him. “Please, don’t make me.” His fingers pinched my chin and tilted my head to meet his stare, his eyes wet with tears. He was strong, a mobster, a monster. He was feared but he also was human.

“I thought I wouldn’t be able to either, but you know, baby, I did,” he breathed into me, swiping tears from my cheeks with his other hand. “Feel for me, baby, just feel.” He kissed my salty lips in a fleeting kiss, breathing strength into me. “One-foot in front of the other,” he encouraged, shifting us to stand. I slipped down his body. “I will carry her for you. Walk behind us, ok?” I nodded as his huge hands reached for the black handles of her coffin, and with her family and friends, he carried her from the church out into the misty afternoon which matched my mood. I followed behind them. Bellz walked with me.

“You did good, kid.”A weak smile crossed my lips. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to leave,”she breathed out.

“I wished you could stay,” I mouthed to her as her mother walked up to me, linking her fingers through mine. I stole a small glance at her. This week had aged her, and it made my heart bleed a different pain.

“We have to find a way to live without her,” she said to me, squeezing my arm. “She’s the only reason I was living,” I cried out, no more light, I was caving.

“I don’t know how to either.” She had misread what I said and I just answered with, “I wish she could have stayed.” We reached the graveside and her mother looked at me. I could feel her intense broken eyes burning into me. “She loved you, Brenyn. Thank you.” I nodded unable to answer and watched her take her seat at the edge of the grave. One was there for me next to her, Josh and Bob. I couldn’t make myself take the steps to move with her… to sit next to her, to help shelter her from the loss, the grief and the pain. I couldn’t move. I wanted to slip into death with her and laugh with her while watching the world that is the rich royalty of Chicago fall apart around us.

I found it hard to look into the deep hole that would be her eternal resting place. I lifted my head, feeling the soft wet drizzle of the rain mist over my face. Seemed like the weather mirrored the mood of the day. It was somber, gloomy, and looked like the heavens were about to open at any minute to drench us to the bone. The perfect day for a funeral.‘It’s just perfect, isn’t it, Brenyn. A perfect day to say goodbye.’Bellz soft voice echoed around me. It’s not perfect, its far from it. Horrid and not what I want to do, I thought outwardly ‘We spoke about this. You knew this day would come and we both agreed the rain would set the mood and fizz the hair of the fake ones who came for sympathy only and to make their sick excuse of a human vessel feel better.’She was right, she always was, but it made no difference right now. I didn’t think it would hurt this bad, Bellz. I can’t fucking breath.‘Well, don’t stop breathing, pass out and let the monster in the black suit give you mouth to mouth. Now there is a little scene I would like to see. I’m dead, ya know. I need this.’She laughed and I cried heavy tears, because I would no longer have the banter and strange humor of my best friend.

The pallbearers positioned Bellz’s coffin over the grave as it was peppered with small droplets of rain like the tears that fell from my eyes. The priest said his final words. I watched his mouth move over a passage from his bible, dust to dust and all that shit. I wanted to laugh but all that came was tears and violent sobs as Killian pulled me into him as they lowered Bellz’s body into the ground. My mother came behind us with my father next to her, trying to slip in so I could assist in taking her pain from her. She would beg me to help her, to bath her and plait her hair… To make her tea as she would be exhausted and emotionally drained after such a traumatic ordeal. Like she was the one who lost her world.

People around us sniveled and cried into their tissues. I wanted to tell them to shut the hell up. What were they bawling over? These girls that held onto designer bags and wore Gucci heels to a funeral had fucking nothing to be sad over. Tomorrow they’d go on with their lives as if nothing had ever happened. It might’ve been a bad day for them, but it was a bad fucking life for me from this day on. This moment I was alone. I had no place to anchor me. My home was gone and I was floating on the wind trying to find somewhere to settle. Their fake tears and weak support were no help. If anything, it drove me more insane, thinking this day was all about their grief and their feelings. We barely saw most of them from one year to the next. This had zero impact on their lives, and they needed to stop acting like it did.‘Fucking funny, isn’t it? She’s slipping into the mud slowly on those heels and the other’s hair now looks as though she licked a light socket.’Bellz tried to soothe me with poking fun at the least fortunate and all I wanted to do was gouge their eyes out.

My mind got pulled from them to the next part in the service, the ashes-to-ashes part, and the priest led the tradition of throwing a handful of dirt onto the casket below. I didn’t want to do that. I couldn’t bear the thought of it. Why would I want to throw mud down to say goodbye to someone so precious? So remarkable and far too beautiful for this world. Instead, I took a white lily from the flower arrangement I’d had made in the flowers that made us both happy. Lilies, iris, eucalyptus and yellow roses. She loved a yellow rose. Said it was sunshine held tight to open from the inside and always made to smile at. I threw the Lily down. “She will always be with you, love,” Dad spoke behind me, touching my shoulder. I wiped away the deluge of tears that drenched my face and soaked through to my collar.

“I know, Dad. I feel her. I do.”

My other half was gone, and I was all alone. I stood back and watched my dad take a handful of soil and drop it carefully down, followed by my mother, her black glasses shielded her eyes. Bellz’s mother, with a shaky hand, dropped dirt onto her daughter’s coffin, as did her father and brother. I quivered as it disappeared. Killian took a flower, like I did. He kissed the petals of a yellow rose and I watched it as his fingers opened and it fell through the air landing on her coffin with a small thud.

Bellz’s mum broke down. As her father tried to pull her away, she fell to her knees into the wet mud and grass. He tried to catch her, but he also fell under the weight of grief.

In that moment, watching Bellz’s parents huddled together on the ground in their combined grief, my own misery was replaced with fury. I turned to look at the traitor standing at the foot of the church drive. He was still there waiting for me, and I was about to give him a piece of my mind. I shrugged out of Killian’s grip and marched over to him. He had moved to stand against his car door as my hand went out and slapped him right across the face. I was no longer scared of him. He could suck a dick and I would be happy for it.

“You walked out of my life when I needed you the most. I was alone with the feelings and emotions of watching her die and you were nowhere. But now look, here you fucking are for what?” I screamed at him poking him in the chest with my cold, pointy index finger.

“Her, my best friend, died and you left me.” His hand reached out for me, to grab my dress and pull me in close. I was embarrassing him by screaming and hitting him, but I didn’t care. His beady, fucking feral eyes bored into my soul and it made the monster inside laugh. It fed me with power. Finally I was free and he was about to wear my wrath.

His fist of his other hand was balled and I stepped back to brace myself against a punch. My feet were hip length apart as he had punched me so many times before, I knew how to shoulder it the best. My tiny frame could withstand it but it never came. I stepped back into the brick wall that was Killian.

“I walked out? I fucking didn’t walk out, you never came back,” he spat.

“Came back? Eric, I never left. I was in the hospital at night and worked during the day. You knew where I was. But you chose to chase my father’s name and fuck whores.”

“I gave you everything,” he mumbled.

“Nah. You gave me a headache, severe chest pain and three new personalities, along with a splash of trust issues and a fucking reason to numb myself with drinking.” I went to walk away but he reached for my arm making contact. I pulled back so fast Killian stepped in front of me.

“I wouldn’t if I was you,” he ordered. Erics eyes moved from me to Killian and that cocky smirk kissed his lips.

“Or what?” he taunted Killian. Killian looked down on him as he was at least two feet taller than Eric.

“YOU will find out, pretty boy, and it won’t be nice for you in the least.”

“Are you threating me?” Eric asked Killian knowing damn fucking well he was.

“I make promises, sir. Now, let’s leave it at that.” Killian smiled over his own words and grabbed me by my hand. “Now if you would excuse my wife and I, we have a wake to attend.”

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