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You can’t see my tears in the rain
MACHINE GUN KELLY
“Ihate small talk. Can we not bother with it?” I bit out as Killian drove through the streets of Chicago. He stole small glances at me every chance he got.
“Fine. What do you want to talk about then?” he asked me and I looked out the window.
“Nothing,” I answered and pulled myself down into my shoulders.
We pulled around to the front of Bellz’s parent’s place and I was not one bit surprised that Killian new where they lived. I'm trying to work him out, but I was absolutely exhausted mentally and emotionally. I just wanted this day to be over. Killian parked the car, exited and rounded the back to open the passenger’s door for me. I slipped my fingers into the inside cup of my bra, pulling the little brown bottle free. Spinning the cap off, I slipped a little white pill from inside and placed it on the tip of my tongue, swallowing as Killian opened the door. I gave him a weak smile as I slipped the glass bottle back inside my bra. I placed my hand in his outstretched palm and he slowly pulled me from the vehicle and into his masculine, suited chest. His smell engulfed me. My body hummed at the closeness and the power that wept from him. “Why did you call me your wife?” I asked, blinking up at him through heavy black lashes stained with tears.
“Because you are, well, will be and for you to take over and me to have what I want I kinda need it to happen.” Leaning down into me he towered over my tiny frame—all seven foot of his to my tiny 5 feet. His breath was minty. “Plus, that guy looked like a tool and touched what’s mine.” Winking at me, he bit my bottom lip slightly pulling it between his teeth. “No one touches what’s mine, Brenyn.” “I’m not yours, Killian. I belong to no one,” I mouthed into his lips, pressing my hands to his solid chest. I tried to break the hold. His hands were splayed over the car on either side of me, trapping me into his space.
“You dance in my club. That equals mine. I’ve kissed your lips. Again mine. I’ve fingered you. Sorry to say it, but mine.”
‘Check mate, Brenyn. He’s got you there.’I eyed Bellz over the side of his massive forearms. “It’s a game to you, is it?” I asked, cocking my eyebrow at him. He snickered, licking his lips and arching his brow into an evil arch that can drop a nun’s panties.
“I’ve been watching you and wanting to kidnap you for the last four years. And you fell right into my lap, little one, saving me the job.” He kissed the tip of my nose, as sweat trickled down my spine. Kidnap me. The power to destroy my father. Who was this man and why was I so fucking turned on by him?
“Now, shall we?” he questioned, taking my hand and pulling us away from the car and up the steps into her wake. Her home. My best friend and I had so many moments in these walls and now I had nothing but a brokenness. I pulled back slightly. He felt it and leaned into me, kissing my neck. “I got you. Let me take this pain.” I nodded slightly as he pulled me inside.
‘He found you while your heart was broke, baby. He will catch you when you fall.’Bellz’s voice swirled around me as I took one step at a time, entering the grand entrance of her family’s massive mansion.
‘Just run from the demons, Brenyn. They will laugh but you will fly.’Her voice seeped inside me, causing goosebumps to break out. His hand reached tighter around my waist, pulling me closer to him. All eyes were on us as we entered. The room was filled with easels. Her face smiling, laughing, crying, running away with me through sand dunes and salt water waves. Just us, it had always been just us. Now it was just me.
“This world can hurt, Brenyn, and it will leave so many fucking disgusting scars. It’s how you wear them that matters. Hearts break, but it’s how you heal that broken that makes you.” His words were hot against my skin as he lowered his frame to meet mine.
“Nothing breaks like a heart,” I mouthed back. “Nothing breaks like losing that one piece of your heart.” His lips grazed over my cheek before he took my hand and pulled me from the slide show of us/her, our life before she left it and it all fell apart.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” I heard a women say to Bellz’s mother. I turned, pulling on Killian’s hand. She stood beside her, dressed in black, holding a foil covered casserole dish. I could not for the life of me remember who she was or why she was there. She had unshed tears inside her eyes. Guilt was etched on her face for obvious reasons, years of never catching up or having a lunch date at the country club. But now she stood there, with a dinner in her hands and sorry on her lips. Before I could say anything to her another older women turned up, a weak smile on her lips. She leaned in and kissed Bellz’s mom’s cheek, the same cheek we had kissed so many times growing up. At times we both kissed a cheek each. She was the mom that you secretly wished was yours. For me she was and now these women stood there looking at her broken, sad and empty eyes. Her heart smashed at the loss of her daughter and in turn me. She lost me the moment Bellz took her last breath and I hated myself for it, but yet here we were. Me looking at these women who think that hunger was their biggest problem, and that food would replace the emptiness inside. No, it won’t and my blood boiled. My body lurched forward. Killian caught me and, pushed me through the crowd toward the small alcove of the main room. I watched the sea of people blend and mesh into sad faces, all here to pay respect to a women they hardly knew, but all wanting an outing and the social aspect a funeral brought. Because it was all about networking. Not actually feeling or grieving the sudden loss of a whole human. My eyes scanned over all the photos propped up on stands, lamps, tables. The flowers that filled the room. All her favorites, the smells all hers and it hurt. My lungs burned for air, and I was holding my breath. Tiny little stars flooded the corners of my eyes. I had been a zombie for days—dancing and not falling. Now I was standing in the home we had shared so many moments in. It was time, I was finally feeling, and it hurt. It fucking hurt like an addict craving the next hit. She was my drug and without her I felt as if I would surely die.
“I can’t take this anymore,” I screamed out toward Killian as I spun, trying to escape the room, the images, the smells, the soft words of sorry, her suffering is over. She was beautiful, she will be missed. I just couldn’t. I pulled at my hair and screamed as the room spun around me. I watched their eyes all bleeding into my teary ones. Shock and embarrassment for me washed over their faces, while pain was on some. I didn’t care. It had been four days since she left me, and I wasn’t ok.
“I’m so sad and lonely. I’m so fucked up I can’t breathe,” I screamed. “Why?” I felt the words rip from my lungs. “There’s no happy ending here. This is me missing her and you all being ok. I can only see her in my dreams now, and you all get to go home and be ok.” I seethed into the room. I watched Bellz’s mom fall into the chair behind her, her father griping his wife’s hand as heartbreak washed over their faces for themselves, Bellz and me. I was lost—so lost it was shattering. “I apologize for this, ladies and gentlemen. Brenyn is feeling the sudden loss. It’s quite exhausting for her, so we shall take our leave, and you all can continue with the wake.” He nodded at Bellz’s parents. Mine were just standing to the edge of the room, shock and embarrassment in my mother’s eyes. She would berate me for this scene. My father closed his eyes unable to watch his daughter. Killian scooped me into his arms and carried my from the room. I buried my head into his chest, and I breathed him in.
The air was thick, the dark encased me and I allowed it to wash over me and take me back out to sea.
