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I’m walking through the fire because there is no way around
MACHINE GUN KELLY
Philophobiais a noun, and it meansthe fear of falling or being in love.
As I carried her sulking body from the car to the elevator, I held her tight. Her body was sobbing with so many tears, each one carried a different broken piece of her as it rolled down her cheek. They mingled with her mascara, leaving trails of black over her cheeks that where slightly kissed with pink from being high. She was so high that her brilliant green eyes were dulled and hiding behind the veils of tears.
I thought, fuck me, I could be falling for her. I never ever wanted a women, a lover, a person. I didn’t share my space well. I didn’t like to answer to anyone and I never ever brought anyone back to where I live. To my safe place, ever. Yet look. Here we fucking are. The doors pinged open on the twentieth floor. I had the whole floor and the rooftop as my own, suite 666, the devil’s number. Black and red, my color theme hit you in the face as you entered. Brenyn, was far too high to even notice that it was dark like my fucking soul. Jona and Trevor retired to their wing below us. Close enough if I needed them they were there, but far enough away to not be in my face.
I stalk through the living area and down toward my room. The huge space looks out over the city. Sitting in the far corner of the suite, with the only solid wall, was the one that housed my wardrobe. The rest allowed me a bird’s eye view of my city. I ran the streets. I owned all four corners and the space in between.
Flicking the shower to hot, I placed Brenyn down on the toilet, her body shaking and my dead heart doing some random shit inside my cold chest when I looked down at her. Wet lashes, smeared lipstick, her eyes red, raw and black streaks smeared over her cheeks. She was beautifully fucking broken and my sick psycho devil inside wanted to break her some more, then mold her back into the little lamb. I needed a plaything for my cock and a companion for the darkness within.
My bathroom sat on the edge of the glass. Hitting the switch, I lowered the blinds not wanting to share her with anyone just yet. Club Envy and its patrons had already pawed enough of my little lamb for my liking. I wasn’t one that liked to share my toys.
The blinds lowered slowly, the lights inside dimming with a press of a button. I needed the light low for her eyes were burning, her body shaking—a comedown will be walking on the edge tilting her over slowly. The dim lights illuminated her beautiful silhouette as I stripped her clothes from her body, then followed with my own. I pulled her up and into me, then walked backward into the spray of the massive overhead shower head and into the hot water.
I watched her as she tried to fan her long waves dripping with warm water over her body. She was shy inside the glass cube with just her and I. My eyes on her body, hers on mine. She had little scars all over the ebony flesh of her chest and stomach. My soul fucking burned to touch each one and kiss them. I watched as her eyes moved over my chest and torso. I had scars there too. I had them all over my body, some red, raised and angry. Some old, faded and white. Some were covered in ink, an attempt to hide them from the world and then I realized that they were battle scars. I am who I am now because of them… an armor, a shield, a fucking birth right.
“You know I’m never going to ask you what gave you those scars.” She looked up slowly into my eyes. Her hair and hands were trying hard to cover what she would see as her ruined skin. I now see why she used the fishnets and sheer fabric to cover her body, only showing what she considers to be perfect, pure, clean skin. We are the same and I do just that also. I watched her perfect face as she lowered her brilliant green eyes which were still covered in the effects of the pills. I know she would have swallowed some tonight to get to the level of numbness she thought she needed to walk through the loss she was enduring . The scars on my skin, burned with just her gaze. Every single time a pair of eyes fastened on them the pain intensified. I hated it because there was always pain. I lived with it. Just like I lived with the ugly and ruined skin that the world gaped at when they got a look. People always stared and I had to become something that they also feared. Because even though everyone was ugly on the inside, they tried to trick themselves into horror at seeing someone who wore their ugliness on the outside and also walked with it on the darkest nights and into some of my coldest of dawns. Cast aside, treated like a freak, so I tried to use the pain to pretend they were somehow better than me. That was what I had heard growing up. That those who walked the streets in this world were better than me and my bloodline. The rich and famous where far better than a Southie boy like me. Well people, think again, I became one of the most feared and scarred gangsters of them all. I owned the streets, clubs, pubs and fucking plazas that you all so loved to entertain in. I no longer gave a fuck about whatever it was that laid behind their stares. But one thing I struggled with the most, was the attention to them that made the scars burn. Because the more you fed a demon, the more it grew. The uglier it got. And eyes on his skin fed his demons. Hands on it were a feast for them. Which was one of the many reasons no women was ever allowed to touch him. Until her. His green eyed, broken little lamb whose tears made his cock hard. Her sobs had it standing to its full length and her parted lips, dripping droplets of water, had pre-cum coating his head.
“You need to starve the demons and the less they’ll take over.” Her words fell between us inside the steam, swirling up and meeting my ears, causing a shiver to run down my spine. She was right. She always was and that scared me. Her eyes met mine. “I know those who gave you other scars that only you can see. I can see them too because I walk with the same invisible, but brutal, ones,” she said. Her eyes moved down my body to my chest where my heart lay. A tattooed white line of a fading heartbeat were hers. Like the ones that flashed over the screen as I turned off her life support, after a suicide laced with toxic drugs took her from me. “I know that pain and brutality is locked up tight for a reason. I know this, Killian, because I’m using the same fucking locksmith for my own pain. I also know there’s only one person in the world with the key for each of us, and they both are dead. But maybe, just fucking maybe, we might be able to pick the locks.” Her eyes moved toward the city that sleeps below us. Out through the glass is a city that had my name whispered and my fists feared. I washed the blood from the guy who wanted to fuck my little lamb from my body. Her tiny hands took the sponge from me and removed the last of the crimson red from my olive skin. I twisted her inside the shower, so her back was against my chest. Taking the sponge, I washed her clean. I wrapped her wet long hair around my fist and pulled her back into me. I needed to touch her, hurt her, please her. I wanted more than her body—I wanted her fucking mind and my demons wanted to feast on her soul.
Her screams bounced off the glass walls as my cock invaded her tight pussy, stretching her wide. I was worried she wasn’t ready for me, but her pressing her tight ass back into me and the wetness that covered my cock and dripped down her thighs told me she was ready. She wanted this as much as I did. I was in awe that something as prime and proper as Miss Walsh was as dirty as my wild thoughts, food for my fucked-up soul. She was tight, so tight. My cock was big and by big, I mean big. I knew from the way she moved and tried to accommodate me she had never had anyone like me before. So, I paused inside her. Taking a few deep breaths, then inched further inside, deeper into the abyss of pleasure that her tight pussy was giving my hard cock as it vibrated with desire in her. I knew by her screams she had never felt anything like this before. That piss bag that was the guy before the monster, I’d bet she never had anything but missionary and no talking or rough sexual play.
I pushed her against the glass harder, pulling out of her slowly as her body mewled against mine and a small moan left her parted lips. My hands went around the front of her body, fondling her tits as hers came behind her finding my cock and balls. She began to play with them, teasing my balls with her fingers and gripping tight to my cock with her other hand. She rolled it with force, up and down my thick wet shaft. “Taste yourself on me, baby,” I breathed hoarsely into her ear. “Taste how fucking sweet you are on my cock.” Her body slowly turned, her eyes alight with sexual desire, blinking through thick wet black lashes. My cock thrusted inside her palm at her stare. “On your knees and fucking take my cock, little lamb. Suck your taste and smell from my flesh,” I mouthed into her lips as I bit her bottom one hard. Her body shuddered. Her moans grew needy as her body responded hungrily to my request. Letting go of her lip, little droplets of red rolled over the swollen flesh. Her eyes locked onto mine as she lowered herself down to her knees and took my hard cock into her mouth.
“OH! Fucking hell, little lamb,” I growled out as my cock invaded her warm mouth. I felt her smile around my cock. “That’s it.” I fisted her hair, gripping a handful and pulled her deep over me. “Open wider, little lamb,” I barked at her, her teeth grazing along my shaft. She looked up at me, blinking fast as water dripped off her thick lashes, while the water streamed over us both. Her face was so pretty. Her need to be free and numb so desperate. She was a fucking lost little lamb and I wanted to lead her to slaughter, never to return the same.
“Don’t be scared,” I said, more of a warning than it was consoling. “Don’t be scared of the monster, little lamb. I only bite hard once.” I laughed out as her mouth moved over my cock—hot and cold, in and out. “Ohh, that’s it, little lamb, as wide as you can. Take me, all of me, deep down . I know you can fit me deeper in that throat of yours. Just open up for me.” She did, and I groaned as my cock slid deeper down her throat, all the way down until my balls rested on her chin. She was perfect. She did it the way it was meant to be done. Insanely erotic, her hands not touching an inch of my skin. It was like she knew monsters felt far too much pain and their sin burned. She was just like me, a monster too.
I pushed her back, the heat of her skin and steam from the hot water slightly fogging up the glass wall of the shower. I held a fist full of her hair, pulled her sweet head back and then pressed it forward again, in slow painful but pleasurable movements. I watched as her eyes fluttered closed, her mouth vibrated over my cock. She moaned as she took her own pleasure inside of sucking me off. Picking up the pace, her hands moved to her tits, and twisted a nipple between her fingers and thumb. She moved faster. Licking, sucking, biting, and my load blew hard and fast, coating the back of her throat with hot streams of cum. She took it all, miking each last salty drop from me. She pressed herself to her feet from my new favorite position of hers. The back of her hand wiped over her lips, her eyes hooded with lust.
I stepped into her, placed my hands under her ass and lifted her up. Her legs wrapped around my body, her arms around my neck. I lowered her slowly down over me and sank my cock, balls deep, inside her. She growled at the sensation. Her walls clenched over my cock and a hiss escaped me as she bit her bottom lip. Her head fell back, eyes hooded with desire and her body quaked as I pulled in and out harder and faster. I could feel her climbing up the euphoric ladder—higher and higher, but before she could come, I pulled out of her, my coated dick dripping. “I’m sorry, little lamb, but this, this is going to hurt. I’m a monster after all,” I told her gently. Not giving her a chance to respond, I pulled her from my body, and flipped her around. My arm around her waist lifted her ass up toward my cock. Her hands slammed over the glass to hold her weight. Her fingers fanned out as I plunged my whole length inside her asshole. She cried out and I looked into her reflection over the glass, pain mixed with lust inside her green eyes. The high was fading. She was now chasing a different high, my high. I wanted to give it to her, over and over and fucking over. That alone scared me.
I fucked her virgin hole until I could feel my demons growing heavy and subservient as I reached for the sedated euphoria that an imminent climax brought. I was feeding them and placing them back into a slumber. Euphoria swirled around us both, through us, meeting each other’s needs. With hurried thrusts, her moans echoed around us, and it fed me to punish her asshole. My groans whipped around the glass cube and ripped through us both like a thunderous storm. I grabbed the back of her head, twisting her wet curls through my fist and my fingers yanked hard, so her face tilted toward me. Her eyes were wild, her mouth slack in a sexy smirk. I pushed my cock deeper into her tight asshole and took her mouth in a kiss—a deep, fucking dark kiss full of tongue, teeth and intent to own her. I felt her shudder violently with need and pleasure. Her knees weakened, buckling under the desire my cock was giving her. My tongue took a kiss from her soul, ripping it out of her. It took all the feelings and the last effects of the drugs with it. I took her weight, shifting my legs to hip length apart. My arm tightened around her waist, pulling her up closer and deeper into me. I laughed into her mouth as she pushed her ass harder against me, shamelessly begging me for more. “You like it rough, little lamb?” I asked her, my lips never leaving hers. She moved her tongue inside my mouth, darting around. She was seeking contact before she pulled back ever so slightly to nip onto my bottom lip. She fucking sent my monster into a tailspin and my cock nearly blew inside her tight asshole on the spot.
“Does that answer your question?” she mouthed, releasing my lip with a pop. Her eyes were wild, her hair plastered in black strands over her face. She was fucking stunning, far too beautiful for a monster like me. But that didn’t stop me from wanting to fucking destroy her asshole and own her fucking soul for the rest of eternity.
