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What is love, love is looking out a windowpane. Tears dripping looking like you’re in the rain, for somebody you don’t even know, but somebody you may never see again.
MACHINE GUN KELLY
Killian withdrew from inside me fast and roughly grabbed my ass and hips, spinning me again in one fast movement and hoisted my legs over his waist. He carried me from the shower, that he had shut off with a fist to the faucet, to a desk that sat at the edge of the huge room. It was all glass, overlooking the city’s lights that twinkled below and around us like stars in the inky black sky. Killian perched me on the solid oak edge, his erect cock poking my belly. “ I like that your asshole was virgin, little lamb. That was very fucking pleasing indeed.” I sucked in a deep breath as his index finger brushed over my pussy.
“I’ve only dated one guy seriously and you saw how fucking boring he was. And well, I’ve had one-night stands for sure and you’ve also seen my taste in them as you quite colorfully rearranged one’s face tonight.” Looking at him as I spoke, he was looking at the scars on my torso as his fingers teased my pussy. “I’ve only ever brought one guy home and he wanted what you do—my father’s name and power.” That had Killian freezing. His body went solid, stone-cold like marble. His breathing changed, and his eyes hauntingly gazed up from my scars to my eyes. “And he touched, took and hurt what is mine.” His voice was dark and low, a growl that had my breath catching in my lungs.
“Well, I’ve never brought anyone home for the family holidays or to official dinners. I’d need to have one for that.” His words slapped me. He had a family, I know he did because I too can do research. Yes, his sister killed herself, he told me that. But he has a fucked-up uncle and from what I can tell a doting grandmother. But hey, whatever. He must have his reasons. My eyes leveled with his, and for a moment, they were a dark gray and they rendered me speechless. I’d met men. Many beautiful, successful, rich men. But they were all the same. Their posture, mild manners, and soft hands robbed them of the authentic masculinity that Killian oozed without even trying. His grip was killer, his stare violent and his kiss could freeze your soul while his cock unfroze you from the inside out with one deep thrust after another. He was carnal, raw, and dangerous. There was no one else like him. He knew it. I knew it. He smiled his ‘I’m a bad guy’ smile at me and had me mewling.
With that, he turned me around so my back was to him, dipped his hand between my thighs, and scooped my wetness with his cupped fingers, coating my rectum with my juices. Killian then pushed a finger into my tight hole while thrusting into my pussy at the same time. With one, deep, fierce thrust, he was inside me. I felt full, so full with his finger in my ass and his cock in my pussy. I let out a moan. My puckered nipples became so sensitive, the friction from the cold oak tipped me close to the edge. I threw my head back and moaned. Killian started moving inside me, holding my waist in place with one hand, playing with my rectum with the other. The friction between me and the table he screwed me against caused my clit to tingle. I squeezed around him with each thrust, angling my body just right for deeper penetration, while I snuck my hand between us, kneading his balls. When Killian slid another finger into my still tight hole, even after it had his impressive cock inside it, I began moaning more loudly. I clutched the table desperately, losing control of my legs, almost caving in to the pleasure. I was breathless and my body hummed as Killian rode me hard. When I felt the first spasm of an orgasm tingling from inside me, he pulled out, took his cock in his hand from behind me and placed it between my ass cheeks.
“Well, well, little lamb, aren’t you a fucking pleasant surprise. You dance like a stripper, but you dress like a power hunger lawyer that you are, and you fuck like a porn star. Yet you speak like butter wouldn’t melt in your goddamn mouth.” Killian laughed callously, trying to sound like the monster he wanted the world to see him as. But me, I knew deep down he was just like me under it all. A fucked-up broken human with feelings.
“For you I will be fucking anything you want because as much as you warn me, Killian, I fucking love the dark.” With that he slammed fast into my ass filling me to the goddamn brim. There was intense silence, which I used to familiarize myself with the feeling of being full of him from behind. I felt him shuddering against my back with pleasure. He leaned forward, still inside me, and brushed my hair away from my shoulder, his lips finding my ear.
“ I will forever fucking own you and, little lamb, you ain’t fucking seen anything remotely like the dark I possess.” With that, he pulled out then thrust into me again in one go. I cried out in pain, holding the table tighter, but after the first few rolls of his hips, the pain morphed into pleasure. Especially when he repositioned me slightly higher on the table so my clit was again teased by warming oak under my skin. My fingers were still playing with him, rubbing against the sensitive spot between his balls and ass cheeks. My whole body was on fire, I clenched my ass cheeks, all my muscles quivering as my release began to wash over me again in forceful violent waves. Killian groaned, giving a few jerky thrusts and we came together. My vision was spotty, and everything shifted out of focus. I could feel myself milking the orgasm out of him, how hard he was inside me. I let my upper body go limp against the table, closing my eyes, as he carefully slid out of me from behind. Every inch of him coming out was excruciating. With my cheek still plastered to the table, I heard Killian moving around the room. I turned around, climbing on the table and lounging there, my forearms digging to its surface, making myself comfortable as I watched him grab a pack of smokes and a lighter. He placed a long white smoke into his lips, the bright orange of the flame lighting up his dark but sedated features. He sucked in and blew out smoke then walked through it as he searched his bloody black dress pants for his phone. He tapped the screen and dropped the pants to the floor. Naked, he was so beautiful and so wild that I could feel arousal forming deep within me again from watching him move, checking message’s and looking up and out over the skyline every now and then. His eyes caught mine for a fleeting second. He winked, and I stayed leaning on the table in awe of Chicago’s most feared gangster.
“Where’d you learn all your little tricks?” Killian’s voice was husky, laced with sex and dripping in desire.
I watched him as he slipped into a new pair of dress pants and buckled his belt, puffing on his smoke and blowing a swirl of smoke in my direction. “You mean, fuck?” I hopped off the table, smiling as I walked over to him. I grabbed a shirt that laid over the back of a solid leather chair. A small glass table sat next to it with a glass of discarded whiskey on top. I picked up my wig and sunglasses. “Don’t forget I spent four years among people whose sole purpose in life was studying the human body. While I studied law and Bellz, well Bellz, she knew all the tips and tricks. I quite often watched her as she taught men and women who were also learning about the human body a thing or two.” His eyes flashed with fire. A desire to know more, want more but the annoyance that something was pulling him away from this—me, him, this place. “I had some pretty good times with her exploring all the ways to make a person scream in pleasure… and pain. You haven’t seen the half of it.” I slipped his shirt over my body, his smell encasing me. A throaty groan left him as he watched the fabric fall over my flesh. He liked what he saw, even if he wouldn’t admit it to the one person he needed to, himself. He liked me here in his space. The mobster was human after all.
“Extortion, murder, and money laundering along with beating people that touch my belongings call, little lamb. I gotta go.” He stubbed his smoke out in a crystal ashtray that sat on a shelf next to him. I watched as he slipped into his walk-in wardrobe and came out with a white tee on and flung his black jacket over his masculine shoulders. His hair was wet, standing on end, making him look devilishly just fucked and quite pleased.
“And I’ll just stay,” I murmured out, twisting a lock of my slightly wet curls around my finger.
“Stay, go, it’s up to you. Trevor will drive you if you want to go home. His room is a floor below.” He said it all so causally like this was an everyday thing for him. But I knew different. It wasn’t, and if I guessed right, he was freaking the fuck out and running for air.
My eyes never left his as he stalked over to me. His fingers gripped my chin, pulled my mouth up to his, as he lowered down and kissed my lips. “I’ll see you when I’m looking at you, little lamb.” With that, he bit my bottom lip hard enough to pop the flesh and blood beaded on the surface. I watched him walk from the room. He left me sitting there in the dark, in his room, with nothing but my thoughts and his smell.
‘Well, wasn’t that a fucking experience.’Bellz’s voice sounded across the room. I turned to find her and she laid spread out over his huge bed, curling her finger toward me.‘Come on over here and lay your royally fucked head on this two-thousand thread count satin pillow case and get some sleep.’I did as she instructed. I pulled back the covers and slipped in next to my best friend, her ghost hands rubbing over my head. She pressed my hair away from my eyes and I fell asleep with nothing but ghosts and nightmares chasing me.
* * *
There were no blackout curtains to shut. It was bright. Violent bright shards of light beamed through the cube of glass walls of Killian’s penthouse suite. Eyes still closed, I stretched, sinking into the mattress that was the perfect combination of soft and firm, wrapped up in satin that was softer than anything that had ever kissed my skin. I was of money, my family beyond rich. I had the best of everything but these sheets, this guy’s bed and linens where something that only the richest and most luxurious would buy. I sighed as I thought about Killian and how he owned me last night. My body ached in places that I never thought possible. In an instant, my breath quickened, a warmth sparking between my legs and spreading through my body. That shouldn’t have been possible, not when I’d come more times than I could count. The last not more than four hours ago if my memory served me right. Killian came back in the early hours. He smelt of blood, smoke and whiskey. His skin was cool to the touch and his features strained. He slipped in naked next to me, peeling me from his shirt and kissed me everywhere. Soft, coaxing kisses that had left me breathless, and then he’d ridden me hard, fucked me relentlessly until I’d cried through climax after climax. The perfect combination of soft and firm. I felt a lazy, satisfied smile spread across my face, thinking it had been a long time since I’d felt like that, then realized that I’d never felt the way Killian Kinahan had made me feel. I shifted, made contact with the cold, empty sheets. My eyes popped open. I searched the huge room to confirm he was gone, the cold sheets and empty bed, a subtle bite of emptiness had left me with no question Killian was no longer here. When I stood, my thighs strained in protest, probably from the hours they’d spent on Killian’s shoulders, around his waist, spread wide over a table and inside a shower, holding me up as he’d fucked me from behind. The discomfort had been worth it.
I headed toward the bathroom. My clothes from last night were gone, so was the bloodied clothes Killian stripped from his body. I grabbed a clean shirt from his cupboard, a pair of his boxers and sweat pants. These would do, a little large but nothing a little knot here and there wouldn’t fix. I stood in the shower. As hot streams of water washed over my aching body, I used his soap and washed my body clean. The bite marks over my skin were red and vibrant on my white flesh, my scars a reminder that Eric would never leave me even if I left him. I took some of his shampoo and washed my long black hair and got wrapping my body in an oversized and over-soft towel and doing the same with my hair. A few minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom as put together as I could be. My hair I had tied back in a messy knot on top of my head.
I couldn’t help but feel alone, lost and slightly let down that I woke without Killian in his bed. It hurt slightly that he would bring me here to his place, fuck me seven ways to Sunday and leave before I woke. I had to get to the club anyway. I had a new dance planned for tonight and I also had to go to the fucking office. This double life was taking so much time.
Dwelling on Killian’s disappearance wasn’t something I had time to focus on now anyway, but it still fucking hurt.
Last night had been perfect. This morning gave me a little perspective. He was what he said, he was. No matter how much I liked the dark, Trixie was right, you couldn’t tame the monster when it was chaos and blood he sought. But the evening before had been somewhat melancholy, laced with a dark pain of loss and need. I needed to lose myself inside a high that became dangerous. He swooped on in, never far away and saved me. Brought me here and those hours with him here, I felt great. I reached for the brushed chrome doorknob, again noticing the small details that made this room luxury. I’d been preoccupied by him and my high last night, far too much to pay attention to the small details that made this place Killian’s. I opened the door and stepped out into the suite’s living area. The bright morning light filled the room, that like his bedroom was all glass and it shined off the black marble floors that were polished to a high glow.
My eyes looked around the vast room. Black and red, deep blood red, were the colors that hit me in the face. Black marble floors, red granite with black flecks for benchtops, a black leather L-shaped sofa with red cushions. Black and white photos hung on either side of the wall where a huge TV screen hung from. Then my eyes roamed and fell on his. He was watching me take in the spectacular room and now my sight was focused on him.
I was amazed he was here, because I felt he wasn’t the type that sticks around. I don’t do girlfriends and I’m all dark and shit. I knew this all, but I felt like maybe deep down within me he wanted it and stayed because I was here. He chases me so that’s got to mean something, doesn’t it? As his eyes roamed over my body dressed in his clothing, I felt naked, exposed and vulnerable. He’s seen me naked, felt my skin and watched me dance, yet I felt so exposed. His eyes were intense. His hands pressed into his dress pant pockets. Instant, blazing attraction flowed through me and him, I could feel the heat of his desire. The lust was much more intense now that I knew what it was like to touch him, have him touch me. For a few moments as I had dressed, I’d wondered if I had remembered wrongly. Maybe my mind was exaggerating the width of his shoulders, how impossibly tall he was and strong he looked. Maybe it was the drugs that had alluded me into a false sense of desire that the arousal and the way my mind remembered his searing touch, thick cock and fleeting but violent kisses to my skin. But in that moment, I knew that if anything, I had underestimated his physical presence. I breathed in sharply, my nipples pulling tight, my stomach lit with that light, almost jittery feeling that should have been nerves but was absolute desire. One look, and I couldn’t breathe. One look from his dark irises and my life flashed before my eyes. One look and I was trapped inside the car wreck of him and I would willing follow him to my death.
“I thought you were gone.” I wanted to sink into the floor when I heard the happiness in my voice, knew that my pleasure at his presence was completely undeniable. But who was I kidding, he fucking loved it. It fed his ego, sedated his demons and he loved the game as much as I did. But my mask and persona was slipping. Bellz wasn’t here to give me sassy one liners and fake bravado. All I wanted was to sink into his touch and have him shield me from the world of pain that I sought pills to take away. With him, I didn’t need the pills. I had his darkness and that’s where I felt most at home.
My phone vibrated on my palm. It hadn’t stopped for the last eight or so minutes that I stood there sharing space with Killian. It would only be her, it was always only her. Needing me, begging me to come soothe her, hold her hand, sing to her, listen to her moan and hold her while she broke into a million drunk pieces around me. Her mental health teetering and me, her daughter, the only one foolish enough to stick around and feed her unhealthy obsession that was dark and twisted and thinking father was poisoning her. He wasn’t, but if he was I wouldn’t half blame him.
He smiled, the expression fleeting, not lasting more than a second, but giving me the most glorious high. Far better than the fake one that was still lingering on the edges of my mind. “Did you think I would leave without saying goodbye?” His eye brow rose, questioning me.
“Um, fuck, well, I didn’t know what to think to be honest. You’re all I’m a monster talk kinda had me thinking.” His laugh cut me off and it hurt a little.
“ Oh, little lamb,” he whispered out walking toward me.
“Some people dislike an awkward morning after,” I said.
“Does this feel awkward?” he asked, coming to stand in front of me. It didn’t, I realized, and I shook my head, which made him smile again. “Good.” I laughed, looking away to avoid the curious emotion that began to grow in my chest.
“This is not at all how I imagined my walk of shame.”
“Is it really a walk of shame though, Brenyn. Let’s face it, you’re mine and I own each and every part of your soul.” His hands cupped my face his lips lowered to mine and he sucked an erotic kiss from my body, taking with it all my defenses and fuck me, I had been searching for a place to lay them down. He just ripped them from my core. Pulling back, he left me feeling light headed and confused. Owned me, wanted me, but didn’t do this. It was a headfuck, a mind game and I wanted to fucking play till it was check mate.
