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Public life is constantly aware of the volcano
WERNER HERZOG
Inside Club Envy we got what we craved, total permission to feel elation, to feel the sort of bond that was denied in the coldness of the streets beyond. It was a heartbeat on loudspeaker, as if we were invited to become one in the heavenly vibe the club brought. It was freedom wrapped inside rainbow lights, fog and sweat. The girls giggled and talked about boyfriends or girlfriends, while sleazy hands would try to catch a free feel. I smiled as I rolled black fishnet stockings over my long, slender legs. My mother would have a serious stroke if she even knew I was here, let alone dancing. I had managed to avoid all calls and texts by hiding out here since I left the office. Club Envy’s rooftop was the perfect hiding spot. You could see forever and no one ever looked up. I sat there for hours watching YouTube tutorials on pole dancing, the art of strip tease and lap dancing. To learn all the sassy sexiness. Sitting in the breeze for the first time in two years, I felt able to just be still and hold space with myself.
“The club is our church, our truth, the place where we can be anything that we want to be, baby girl. It’s the place where you can lose your mind and soul.” Warm breath runs over my neck. I sucked in a breath as my hands stopped rolling my tights and moved down to the strappy black heels. “You can transport to any realm, and they would follow.” Her words tickled the tiny hairs on my neck as I moved my hands from my ankles back up my legs to my thighs. I moved my gaze to the mirror in front of my eyes and they locked with hers. Her eyes were bright pools of amber, like aged whiskey. Her hair fell in waist length auburn curls; her smile coming from wicked lips painted a deep red. Tilting her head, she studied me. “Looking good, boo.” I pushed myself to my feet. Black lace panties sat above thigh high black fishnets. My heels gave my slender legs more height and my breasts were pushed up into a black lace bra with sliver chains draped from one cup to the other. I pulled my long curls over my shoulder and twisted the thick bundle around my hand.
“This old thing?” I laughed out. Kitty leaned in. “I know you’re not her and that’s ok because we all deserve a place to escape.” My heart sunk at her words. Sweat pooled hot like fire pokers as my hands settled under my arm pits. “It’s ok, boo. You do you. If you dance like you did last night, you can be whoever the fuck you wanna be.” She slapped my ass. A small yelp left me and a few of the girls turned and glared in my direction. “Don’t mind them. Their bark is worse than their bite. You answer to me and me alone. They give you a hard time you come see me.” I nodded as I stepped forward to the mirror on a small dressing table that had my designer makeup bag. I must remember tomorrow to empty the contents into one from the drug store. The last thing I want is the evil glares of these women to turn into hair pulling.
Kitty placed a small, brown glass bottle in front of me. My eyes moved from the mirror to the bottle, then back up to meet her eyes in the mirror. Applying blood-red lipstick to my lips, I smacked them together and placed the cap back on. I lowered my hand down, dropping the lipstick next to the bottle and picked up a small shimmering sequin tear drop, and placed it at the corner of my right eye.‘I will always carry a tear for you, Bellz,’my broken soul whispered to itself as Kitty spoke into my ear. “Sometimes we just need a little boost to really let go.” She winked and my heart beat faster at the thought of slipping the white pills onto my tongue. The feeling of euphoria that washed over you when the pill slipped and ebbed into your blood stream taking hold of your soul and morphing with all of your senses was a feeling I would chase to the end of the earth. I was already an addict after just one taste.
“One or two won’t hurt,” I mouthed to her through the mirrored glass.
“One, two, three or four, take whatever you need to fly, boo.” She turned on her heel and clapped her hands “Back to work ladies we have a full house of horny men with boring wives out there.”
Then the announcer’s voice booms through the speakers of the club and echoes out to the dressing room.
Next up to the pole, we call her... Enigma. My music started and my heart hammered inside my chest. I spun the lid off the bottle and slipped a little white pill onto the tip of my tongue, then downed it with two fingers of Agave.
The club seemed to evaporate into thin air, leaving me momentarily suspended in emptiness. Then a new world rematerialized around me—the lights, the fog and his eyes. He was there, this time not at the bar but front and center of the stage. He settled back slightly in the shadows with the crowds of seedy men parted like the red sea on either side of him. He sat on a curved, black leather couch with a string of purple LED lights wrapped around the back and underneath. They illuminated him with a vivid purple glow. His eyes locked onto mine, freezing me as men whistled and cheered around us. I could feel the little white pill and Agave swirl around my body, numbing each zap that was my nerves and good angel telling me to step off this stage and go to him.“Show them just how naughty you are,”Bellz’s voice hummed inside my ear. It was like she was standing right next to me, as I stepped in long sultry movements toward the pole as the opening beat to “River” by Bishop Briggs played around me. If this was going to be a nightly thing, I wanted to change up the music. Enigma had style and taste, but I wanted to add a little more flare.
Spotlights from the ceiling and floors illuminated me, blocking my vision of the bar but helping everyone else see me perfectly clear. I could smell beer and smoke. Some guy yelled, "Take it off, baby!" and I looked down... then nearly fainted. It was a worker from my father’s shipping company. I was a woman, first of all, but I was also the daughter of a powerful and rich man, a niece of one of Chicago’s most cut-throat lawyers and I was also in that category with him. But tonight I was just a striper with her arms around a long cold pole about to transform before them. I wrapped my arms around the pole, pulled my body up half way and curved around the pole, then dramatically dropped upside down on the beat and slid to the platform. My hair fanned around me like a black halo as the lights flashed from hues of pink, purple, blue to green. My hands travelled down my body as I thrusted my hips up and pulled my ass off the stage. Twice, three four times—each to the beat. The men with glasses of whiskey and bottles of beer went wild around me and I stole a glance at the monster looking at me with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth and his eyebrows in a perfect evil arch. Twisting like a cat, I moved on all fours and pranced across the stage toward the edge. Men screamed and threw bills at me, fanning the stage in Benjamin Franklin’s and George Washington’s. Greedy men tried to reach out for me. The music took over, mixing with the effects of a drug I had yet to find out its name. Swiping their hands away, I growled like a lioness causing them to throw their heads back in wild excitement. I giggled, winking at the monster whose eyes watched each one of my movements. I pressed my body back to my haunches, locking eyes with his, then slowly pulled myself up to my feet. My hands wrapped around my shins and I dragged my nails over my flesh, pulling my lip into my mouth. My hips swayed to the music as I twisted, thrusted out my hip, then looked over my shoulder while making my way back to the pole. I clenched it in a baseball bat hold and shook my ass. I lowered my head back, my long curls tickled the base of my spine when I swung my head side to side. My eyes watched as he stood, then walked forward with slow, killer strides. He screamed danger and I wanted to lick it from his lips.‘Give him a reason to see you and only you, Brenyn.’Bellz’s voice echoed through the beat taking over my body. I nodded like she was just there next to me. A smile broke over my face as I climbed the pole. Reaching the top, the lights changed from rainbow to spotlight and all the other lights dimmed out, fading into the background. The room fell silent, all eyes on me. The pill was doing the work Kitty knew it would, freeing my mind from my body.
“Little bird.” A tone dripping darkness met my tingling on fire skin, causing a shiver of warning to wash over me. Winking at him toward where I hoped he was standing, the far too bright spotlight heating my already hot skin, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and just let go, letting my arms fall behind me. I dropped backward and slid down the pole to gasps and oooos mixed with aahhs. Kitty screamed out in excitement, as Bellz’s voice meet my ears.‘He will be the dark you need, and you my little devil are just what he’s been looking for.’
