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73
I look at Braxton, needing to know what could possibly be so important that he stopped us just when things were really getting good.
“You don’t have to Trip,” he says. “You don’t have to go tomorrow. You can stay right here.”
It takes a moment to make the transition from an epic make-out session to the improbable words he just spoke. But once I do, I pull my robe tighter around me and flinch back against the headboard where I sit with my arms locked at my knees.
“What the heck does that even mean?” My voice is hoarse, the words coming so fast, they snag in my throat. “What was the point of all that hard work, or even being here at Gray Wolf, if I’m not going to Trip?” I study his face, perplexed as to why he’d even suggest such a thing. “I thought you wanted me to succeed.”
“I do,” he insists, but a shade has dropped over his eyes, obscuring the truth.
“I don’t get it,” I cry, all that pent-up passion now rerouted in an entirely different direction. “You know how hard I’ve worked—all the sacrifices I’ve made. For an entire month all I did was practice and study and…and now you’re asking me to throw all that effort away?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. It’s—” he starts, but I’m too riled up to let him finish the thought.
“I mean, let’s say I did follow your advice and refuse to Trip. How exactly do you think Arthur would react?”
Braxton’s shoulders sag as he tilts his head up and stares at the swag of canopy hanging overhead. “My guess is he’d be extremely displeased.”
“Then why are you suggesting I do something that will only put me in jeopardy? That night in the Moon Garden, you claimed it wasn’t all bad here. In fact, I distinctly remember you using the wordspectacularto describe life at Gray Wolf. So what’s really going on? Why the sudden change of heart?”
He faces me then. Legs crossed, arms resting on his knees, he leans toward me and says, “Because once you Trip, you can never go back to who you were before.”
I blink, knowing there must be more.
“You lose something in the process—a sort of naivete, or innocence, or—”
“Innocence?” I frown. “I’m here because I was found guilty, remember?”
“Not that kind of innocence,” he says. “Look—there are things about Tripping that are spectacular, yes. But there’s also a downside—a darker side—that you won’t even notice until you’re drawn so deep into Arthur’s world, you can’t find your way back.”
Just like that, the shade has lifted, allowing a glimpse of what’s really driving all this. Braxton doesn’t just feel guilty for bringing me here—he feels guilty for the person he’s become and all that he’s done at Arthur’s bequest.
But the redemption he’s looking for is not mine to give. All I can do is try to relieve him of some of the blame where I’m concerned.
“I know about the stealing,” I say.
Braxton’s jaw clenches, his spine stiffens, though he’s not nearly as surprised as I thought he would be.
“I basically made Elodie admit it, and it pretty much shut down the party.”
“And how do you feel now that you know what Arthur really expects?”
I look toward the window, remembering what Mason said about my choice to hang out with Elodie:Magic always comes with a price.
He wasn’t wrong. There was a price to the magic of hanging with her. Just like there’s a price for Arthur supporting my mom while I live in captive luxury here at Gray Wolf.
To Braxton I say, “Honestly, the moral part of me, the part that clearly knows right from wrong, is equally indignant and horrified.”
Braxton nods. “And the other part?”
I sigh, busy my hands with my hair, twisting it into a knot before letting it fall. “The other part questions if that’sactuallyhow I feel or if it’s how IthinkI’m supposed to feel thanks to societal expectations and conditioning and…” I finish the thought with a shrug. “I guess I won’t really know until I’m put to the test. Because honestly, everything that’s happened so far feels like a fantasy, a fever dream, like it’s not really real.”
“I get how it feels that way,” he says. “But Tripping and thieving comes with great risk. Everything you’ve done here has been leading to this. And you need to know what you’re in for, because once you’ve agreed to it, there’s no turning back.” When he looks at me, his gaze is tinged by the residue of a thousand deceits he’s performed for Arthur—including the taking of me.
I reach for him then, clasping his hands in mine, and we slide our fingers together until we’re perfectly intertwined. “You once told me the deal was done the moment I laughed before my grave,” I remind him.
He nods, though a flash of pain crosses his face.
