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Dr Jenkins looks at me, his pale-blue eyes calm and caring. “We don’t know, Amber. Only time can tell. He may lose the use of his legs, maybe more.”
“How do you know my name?”
“I think all the staff know your name.”
Was he calling me, and I wasn’t there?
My stomach lurches and sweat breaks along my skin. I can’t fully understand anything. The only thing I can focus on is Freddy is alive and he’s somewhere in this hospital.
Leaping to my feet, I look beseechingly at Dr Jenkins. “Can you take me to him?” I know this probably isn’t the done thing. I know I’m not family, I’m the girlfriend. But I don’t care. I need to see Freddy and that’s all I can focus on.
Holding my hand towards Mr Bale, I wait for him to grasp it and stretch from his seat. Henry follows behind as we trail Dr Jenkins through corridors until finally he comes to a single room with the shutter pulled down. “Be brave,” he whispers to me as he pushes open the door, and I try to be, God, I try to be, but my first sight: of Freddy on the bed, his skin blackened and blistered, with breathing apparatus in place, brings me to my knees.
Eventually, I get myself together and I’m able to drag myself off the floor. With leaden feet, I walk towards the bed and look at him. My heart feels like a glass chandelier swinging in an unwanted draft: at any moment it’s going to crash to the floor and smash into a thousand pieces. Tentatively, I lift my fingers to the bruised, charred skin on his face and run them along his fair brow. “I love you, Freddy, and I’m sorry I never told you before.”
Large droplets of tears start to roll down my cheeks, splattering onto his hospital gown. “I love you,” I whisper again, hoping to hell he can hear me.
“We all love you, Son,” says the gruff emotion-filled voice of Mr Bale by my side.
“Can I stay, please, Mr Bale?” I ask, my voice small.
“Of course you can, girl. I don’t think Freddy would have it any other way, but you’ve got to call me Charles.”
I nod hesitantly, “Okay, I’ll do anything to be able to stay.”
I don’t plan to leave. I’ve found Freddy now, and I’m going to be with him until he wakes, so I can tell him how I feel for myself. I’m going to be with him forever, because after nearly losing him today, I know the prospect of a life without him isn’t a life I want.
Silence permeates around the room. It’s deep, dark and all-encompassing as we hold our breaths. Even the cloying hospital smell that hangs on my clothes, stings my nose, and keeps me rooted in the present can’t force me to take a breath.
It’s been five endless days and now we are huddled together against the wall of Freddy’s room while the doctors and nurses try to wake him from his coma. It’s not how I expect it to be. You’d think they’d just stop the drugs and then he’d open his eyes, but he doesn’t.
They call him, trying to bring him to the surface.
“Freddy, can you hear us?”
“Freddy, it’s time to wake up now.”
I’m sobbing as they search for him. I’ve been brave for days, but now I’m so close to getting him back, the pressure feels like it may break any resolve I have left. I turn to my mum by my side. She’s reigning in her crazy and managing to act like a normal supportive parent. She turned up with a bag of clothes a few days ago when it was clear I wasn’t going to step foot out of the hospital, even for hygiene reasons. This morning Charles called her and told her they were going to wake Freddy, and he thought she should be here for me. Strangely, I’m taking some comfort in her being next to me. “Why can’t they find him?” I whimper to her, and she clamps her hand in mine.
“Wait, Amber.” Her thumb strokes over the back of my hand like it used to when I was little, before she turned weird.
A gurgling noise fills the room and I watch as they pull a long tube from down Freddy’s throat. I want to gag, but I can’t show that level of weakness, not after everything he has been through. Same as I’ve sat through the nurses cleaning his flaking skin. I’ve even bathed his damaged body myself; just something I can do while I wait for the boy who shines with magic to come back to me.
“Freddy.” The doctor leaning over him has a firm warning note in his voice. “Freddy, calm down. You were in an accident, but everything is okay, you are okay.”
We’ve been told not to expect him to move, that we shouldn’t be surprised if we don’t get much response, but I see his fingers flex against the bed sheet. A sob rips through me as one small question is answered. He hasn’t lost all movement. If his fingers still work, it means I can hold them still. I edge towards the bed, unsure of what I’m going to find. Freddy is staring unseeingly at the ceiling, tears sliding out of the corner of his eyes.
“Freddy,” I call softly. I know this should be his dad, but I can’t hold myself back. I’ve just got to tell him.
Linking my fingers in his, I lean across so he can see me. The ocean blues shift their focus slightly onto me and I can see frustration flicker across his face. The bruises have faded to purple and although he doesn’t look much like my Freddy, he still looks beautiful to me.
“Amber?” I can only just hear him croak out my name. He looks cross and agitated. I apply some pressure with my fingers to his and wait for him to calm down.
“Freddy, can you hear me?” I lean my mouth close to his ear, grazing my lips across the skin of his cheek.
“Yes.” His answer is just the faintest of a whisper, but it makes my heart soar.
“It’s not maybe.”
