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Her words make me shift uncomfortably.
“Freddy’s cool; we are cool,” I state, but I’m not speaking the whole truth. The arguments about uni, plus the pressure he feels about his dad and brothers doing his work, along with the frustration he feels at being stuck in that place all the time is taking its toll.
As far as I can see, there is no easy path for us right now, we’ve just got to get through this bit, then everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
“Alright, Amber, cool it is.” Dani has been introduced to Grant, and he’s rubbing off on her and not in a good way.
Putting my head down, I shut my eyes, willing the day to be over.
The house is in darkness when I get home. This is good because it means I can get in and out without an interrogation. I’m halfway down the hallway when I realise I’ve been foiled. Mum is sat at the kitchen table, a bundle of papers and a glossy booklet in front of her.
Damn it.
“When were you going to tell me about this?” She slides the booklet towards me, not that I need to see it any closer. I recognise the Suffolk University prospectus from across the room.
Amongst the papers is my application form for Suffolk. She picks it up and skims the contents, her lips set in a firm line and the frown of doom twists her face into a bitter mask. I fidget and wait, my internal body temperature getting hotter and more uncomfortable with every passing moment. Turning, I scrutinise the kitchen. It’s funny, when you live somewhere you don’t see it that clearly. My many hours spent at the hospital has made me see my childhood home with fresh eyes. In the kitchen, the paper on the walls looks dated, the colour too beige, too bland, like Crème Caramel left over from a seventies dinner party, reminiscent of a time past when beige ruled the world.
Finally, she speaks. “So is this it then?”
“What?” I’m being difficult. This conversation would probably go much easier if I didn’t act like a stroppy teenager.
“You’re just going to stay here? You’re going to stay in the dead village all because you met and fell in love with a boy.” Her words are filled with scorn.
“What else should I do, Mum?”
“Do what the other girls do. Leave and hope for the best.”
“Other girls don’t have a boyfriend who’s been paralysed for months after nearly dying in a car crash.” My voice rises. Surely this is logical?
“And what would have been your excuse if the accident hadn’t happened?”
‘What do you mean?” I’m stalling. I know what she means. It’s only been Freddy for me since I met him. I fell hard and deep and there is no way out.
“Amber!” She jumps from her chair and grabs my wrists tight in her grasp, I try and back away, but she holds firm.
‘I don’t want this for you. First love doesn’t last, no matter how much you want it to.” Her tone is pleading, but something in it makes me realise what this is.
I don’t say anything. I wait for her to elaborate.
“You think it’s going to feel like that forever, but then one day you wake up and realise you’re sleeping next to a stranger, someone that the older you wouldn’t choose.”
“Was Dad your first love, Mum?”
She turns her face from me, “Yes, and I wish to God he wasn’t. I hate him, I resent him, and I hate myself for letting this happen to me.”
She carries on, her words halting and her breath fast. “I don’t want you to settle down yet, Amber. I want you to have a life. It’s too much of a risk for you to accept this as your only future. Wait ten years, go places, achieve things, and then settle down.”
What is she talking about? What risk?
“Mum,” I try to keep my voice soothing. “Mum, it’s not going to be like that, we are different.”
Mum starts to cry. “No, Amber, you’re not different at all. You will be exactly like me. You’ll lose your mind all because of love.”
What is she talking about? We are different. We have to be different.
I think back to her strop at Christmas when she told me she didn’t want me to come back from our break with a mistake. A loud gasp escapes me, and I swallow hard. “Oh my god. I was a mistake, wasn’t I?”
