AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I have a feeling he doesn’t mean this. That actually he would much rather watchHomes Under the Hammerwith his nan than he would sit and eat popcorn with me.
“Come on, Amber. It’s just one day,” coerces Elliot. He’s testing me. Willing to see how far I’m going to go in my stand against him.
One look at Isaac’s face tells me that I’m not going to be stopping him from watching his favourite football team in a live game. Tickets aren’t easy to come by, so Elliot must have busted a gut to get them. It makes me despise him all the more.
“I want him home tomorrow evening, no later than nine.”
Isaac jumps into my arms and gives me an uncharacteristic public hug. Kissing the top of his head, I give him a squeeze, my arms aching with a heavy feeling that being without him tonight will only accentuate.
The egg incident this morning, plus this, threatens to push me over the edge. Emotions start to well inside me and I’m pretty sure I’m going to cry. I steel myself, so I don’t cry in front of Elliot.
"You’d better come and grab some clothes, Isaac.” I smile at my son, keeping my voice as light as I can. “And you,” I spit at Elliot, “can stay in the damn car. Come on, Isaac, you’re riding with me.”
The lonelinessI feel inside is making me act like a caged lion. A bad-tempered, caged lion. The empty ache I have radiates from my chest and throughout my body—even my arms ache. My legs don’t want to sit down, and my head doesn’t want to belong to me anymore. My disappointment over the failure of my popcorn and movie night is vastly off scale.
Isaac rushed back out of the front door two whole minutes after we got home from school, a simple wave of goodbye in my direction.
We didn’t get the chance to discuss the fight at school, or the reason why he did it. I didn’t even get the chance to ask if he’s happy here; the answer to which I feel in my soul is a resounding no.
Since then, I’ve been by myself, a dinner for one. Mum was dozing in her chair and when I tried to wake her for food, she just pushed me away.
And now, well now, I can’t stop bloody crying. This is the worst mess I ever imagined I could be in, and I can’t see an end.
Isaac knows that Elliot isn’t his dad, because I always made it clear. I always told him the truth, that I’d never told his real father about him. Coming back here, I foolishly thought that with a hundred miles between us I’d be able to erase Elliot from our lives, get back to being the Isaac and I we were before he came along. But I’m being stupid. Isaac was a toddler then. He doesn’t remember a life before.
Now I know I’m lying to Isaac. For the first time ever there is a lie between us, and that lie is Freddy. Freddy knows about Isaac. In my heart I know that this should mean Isaac should know the truth about Freddy, but deep down I have a bad feeling about it. Maybe Freddy is right to let them build their own relationship, to not force Isaac into feeling anything other than like and respect for Freddy when he’s ready. It’s hard though and it makes my heart ache with guilt. A dark guilt for both of them.
I keep thinking of the Bales, all having their family dinner, and it creates a hollow echo that reverberates around the empty walls of my house with the beat of my own heart. It’s all I can hear, a sad echo of what I don’t have.
With a sigh that verges on talking to myself, I head to the lounge and try to wake Mum up to get her to bed. With gentle hands I give her a soft shake to nudge her along. “Mum, come on, I’ll help you upstairs.”
The stinging slap comes out of nowhere. Knocking me off my feet. My cheek smarts with a piercing burn. Mum’s eyes gaze right through me, vacant and expressionless, mirroring the empty echo of the house.
“Mum?” I reach for her hands, keeping my own gentle.
She starts to scream, howling like a lone wolf.
What on earth is going on? Panic tingles along my spine, and I freeze to the spot unsure of how to proceed. Every sense in me is awakened as my brain whirls with options while my feet stay rooted to the spot. Her hand flies out again, but I manage to dodge it, the bitter sting of the first connection still livid on my cheek.
“Mum, please, it’s Amber. Let me help you.”
“There’s no Amber here!” She screeches, her voice higher than I’ve ever heard.
“Mum, there is. I’m here. Look at me.”
Mum starts to wail, her whole body shaking.
I don’t know what to do. I start to cry, unsure how to get her to see me, to stop hitting me, to stop screaming. Swallowing down my alarm, I get close enough to slide my arm around her back, pinning her hands at her sides, and then I lift her from her chair. Her legs aren’t really carrying any weight. It’s like she’s just stopped working. A rag doll loose in my grip.
I don’t know how I find the strength, but somehow I manage to wrestle her to the stairs. I’m petrified I’m going to hurt her, which is ironic considering she’s slapping at me with a hand she’s managed to wiggle free. Every so often her wild flails make a resounding crack of contact.
Finally, I manage to get her to her room. By the time she’s on the bed she’s practically catatonic. Sobs heave through me, snot running down my face as my own body goes into shock and starts to shake from top to toe.
On unstable legs, I edge to the top of the stairs and sit down on the top step, my tears out of control. Blood pounds in my ears, whooshing like waves on sand as the shock settles inside me. Over the pounding in my ears, I can hear snores rising out of her room and in reaction, I edge down the stairs one at a time on my bottom, not trusting my legs to make the effort to walk.
I need some space between us.
A gentle knock taps at the front door, but I don’t get up to answer. I can’t move or even try to find the will to move.
“Amber?” It’s Freddy, his voice soft but alarmed. "Amber, can you open the door?”
The sound of his voice calling me cuts through my suspended state. Freddy’s just on the other side of the door, I know if I could just get to him, he could make me feel safe.
I straighten my legs, my knees still knocking, and take one tentative step across the hallway, to Freddy, and then another. Crashing into the door, I catch the latch with my shaking hands but that is all I can manage. Eventually, I feel his weight push against it and then he’s there, his fingers grabbing for me as I start to fall down, his arms pinning me tight into his chest and his lips against my hair as he saves me from darkness and pulls me back into the light.
