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Now
I’m saton Freddy’s bed, allowing the darkness of the room to cloak my fears and swaddle my heavy heart in endless swathes of black. I’ve been in here for hours; it could even be days.
No. It can’t be days because Isaac isn’t home yet.
Isaac.What am I going to tell him?
I can’t feel anything, think anything. I’m just stuck in a void. All I can see is Mum on that stretcher. There is nothing else to see apart from that. Every time the image floods into my brain, my legs start to jig and it becomes increasingly difficult to swallow; like my tongue is swollen and won’t work again.
Dani brought me home while Freddy remained behind to help answer questions. Questions possibly about how we went out to dinner and left a woman with severe unpredictable dementia by herself.
Oh God.
This will be the one mistake I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for.
All these words just keep whirling around my head.Isaac. Mistake. Dinner. Isaac. Mistake. Dinner. Isaac. Mistake. Dinner.
My home has burned to the ground and my mother is dead. There is no making sense of that. We had such a good day today, once we’d got her dressed and out of her wellies. She knew who I was, how old I was, who Freddy was now and not back then. She’d even asked after the business and his dad; something that she’d never done before, even ten years ago when she was in her right mind.
The door clicks softly, and a triangle of light extends into the room as a tall shadow walks in. Freddy sits on the mattress, his shoulders slumping as he picks up my hand and holds it loosely in his. “How are you doing, beautiful?”
I don’t have anything to say, because I don’t know how I’m doing. I just continue to jig my leg up and down.
Carefully, he leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my cheek. I don’t lean into the comfort he’s trying to provide. I have a dark feeling inside, gnawing at my conscience that I shouldn’t be allowed comfort ever again.
Freddy sits in silence at my side, his index finger tracing a pattern on my palm.
“We shouldn’t have left her alone, Freddy,” I mutter bitterly when the weight of the silence around us becomes too much. I yank my hand away from his tender touch and ball my hands into hard fists.
“I know.” It’s a simple but truthful response.
“Some birthday, huh?”
“Amber, I couldn’t give a shit about my birthday. I care about you, and Isaac.”
“Oh, God, Isaac.” The numbness edges out of my chest and a sharp panic takes its place. “Isaac’s lost everything in that fire.”
“Amber, material things can be replaced, Isaac will understand. It’s you that’s lost everything.”
As quick as clouds rolling over the sun, my panic flares into anger. “What, a mum that resented me my whole life?”
Freddy sighs and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped tight at the knuckle. “Don’t think like that now. You’re hurt and angry at yourself. Let’s get Isaac tomorrow and take this one step at a time.” His dark eyes turn and search for me, but I don’t want to be found.
“Step where, Freddy? I don’t have anywhere to go. I came here to look after Mum. Now she’s gone and so is my home.”
I have the clothes on my back, that’s it, and a son who’s currently with his fake dad. Oh, and my mum’s dead.
“Amber, you are staying here, both of you. You know I wouldn’t let you go anywhere else.”
I give a laugh and the twisted sound reverberates off the walls. “This isn’t how it should be. We’ve been together for what, a month? You don’t want me and my son here, a ready-made family just moving in.” I laugh some more, delirium taking over. “I mean, you should have the chance to ask me to live with you, not just accept it as something that has to be. I don’t want pity.”
Freddy reaches for me, sliding a finger along the exposed skin of my arm. “This isn’t you talking, Amber, it’s your pain and your hurt. Isaac is my son too. I’ll always provide everything that you need.”
“I don’t want pity,” I mutter again bitterly.
With a sigh, he gets up from the bed. Despite my despair, I still want him to stay with me. I let him walk away, embracing the numbness that invades me.
