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The drive to work, which usually feels more and more tiring the closer I get to there, doesn't feel that way today. Until I actually park in front of the store and look inside. Ben's mother stands at the register, giving someone their receipt. The hardest part about being here each day is being with her. I sigh as I get out of the car. As soon as I walk in, Regina turns towards me, smile in place.
Her smile is real, the same one she's always had for me when I spent days upon days at her house with Ben. The one she gave me with every meal I shared with their family and tagged along to wherever they were going. But it's so tired now, her cheeks not quite rising like they used to. The dark circles under her eyes tell me she's still not been able to sleep. But I guess it looks better than when above those dark circles, were red eyes.
"Hey Elijah. I hope you're ready because we just got that shipment of spring clothes in today."
I chuckle. "That explains all the boxes in the back then."
"I tried to move them to the break room but..."
"No, no. No problem. We're just gonna bring them back out anyway."
A customer comes into the clothing store, and Regina switches to sales mode, all cheer, ready to make sure the person doesn't leave without buying something. I go towards the back and cut open the first box of clothes. Grabbing an armful, I get the bin of hangers and head back towards the front where I see Regina has already cleared a few racks for the new additions.
"Did you see the game last night?" the customer asks. "That quarterback really messed up that last play. If I’d missed such an easy point, I would have killed myself."
Ice rushes through my veins and I freeze, looking at the utter despair that comes over Regina's face.
"I'm... I'm so sorry.” The customer sputters. “That was... I'm so sorry. I forgot.”
Regina recovers, or at least pretends to, straightening her spin, pasting a smile back on. "My son didn't kill himself. His death was an accident. No need to apologize."
"Of course. Of course. I just meant... Never mind. Actually, I have to get going. I forgot... Um, yeah, I gotta go."
The customer flees, and Regina only allows her eyes to come to mine for a brief moment before she turns away, fixing a box on the counter that doesn't need fixing. But that moment was enough for me to see the pain there.
That look is why I don't make her face the truth. It is the reason why I still haven't mentioned the text Ben sent me that night. It sits on my phone, unread by anyone but me. I can never forget the way she wailed when I first got to their house after being told Ben was dead. I wish I didn’t remember the way her eyes pleaded with me to tell her the police were lying. That her son hadn't jumped from the building. I couldn't deny it, but I couldn't tell her the truth either. The police ruled it a suicide, cameras clearly showing no one was on the rooftop except Ben. He jumped, not slipped like his family liked to believe. But how could I cause her more pain? I can’t be the one to tell her that her son was someone she didn't know, and that person very much sought to end it all.
She knew him as the wild boy, always seeking an adventure, a laugh, a good time. Always ready to make someone else smile. Always the class clown, the one who couldn't sit still or stop talking. How can I be the one to tell her that underneath all that was someone who was always in pain? Someone who barely slept because he stayed up all night wondering why him. How can I break her heart and tell her that wasn't his first suicide attempt, just that this one was successful? I can't. I won't. Ben always chose to show them one face and me another, and even in death, I feel I have to keep his secret.
"Are you okay?" I ask low.
"Fine, fine," she croaks before clearing her throat, turning her face until her hair falls forward and blocks it from view. "Just tired of having to correct people, you know? They've all got it so wrong. My Ben would never."
I stay silent, maybe realizing in this moment, maybe for the first time, just how alike she and Ben are. Hiding what they really feel from the world, masking their emotions to the point that they've even blinded themselves to them. Maybe she's where he learned it. But whoever he learned it from, it was something he perfected.
Mikaela, Ben's other sister, who also works here, walks in and Regina's entire composure changes. She smiles at her daughter like nothing ever happened.Tosses her hair over her shoulder like she wasn't just using it to shield her face from me. Gone is the pain and present is a false happiness.
"Mikaela, that was the longest lunch break ever," Regina jokes.
"Apparently everyone is starting to discover our little greaseball restaurant. I had to wait behind like eight people to order. Hey Elijah."
"Hey." I mumble, just now dealing with what the customer said within myself.
Joking about something so small as missing a point in a game making him kill himself. If only people knew how those words sound coming from their lips when they absolutely don't mean it. How they sound to someone who's had to hear their best friend say he'd kill himself for years. People are such assholes.
I put the shirts on hangers and then on the rack before going back for another batch.
"Are you coming for dinner tomorrow?" Mikaela asks me. "Denise is in town."
"I know. I saw her the other night."
Mikaela smiles. "Oh yeah. I forgot she told me she caught you coming back from a date."
"Caught him?" Regina laughs. "Is he not allowed to date or something?"
"No, just that, you know, he's never brought a girl around. We didn't actually know he dated."
"I'm twenty-one, and you thought I'd never been on a date before?" I chuckle.
