AllFreeNovel
Share Us
It probably would have hurt less if she took a hammer to my chest. To know that she blames me, without even fully knowing what really happened that night, feels like a knife cutting straight into my heart. Even now, while I see regret starting to enter her gaze for her words, the accusation is there. Where was I? Why wasn't I with her son? Why didn't I save him?
Because for one night I decided to be selfish. I decided I couldn't be Ben's superhero, I couldn't save him from himself that time. And I lost my best friend because of it. I am to blame, and Regina doesn't even truly know it.
"No, it's okay," I murmur.
"No, it's not." Denise shakes her head. "Mom, Elijah's been Ben's friend since they were little. How can you say something like that?"
"I'm...I'm... I didn't mean that Elijah. I just..." Regina sputters.
I begin to rise from my seat. "It's fine. I uh, I gotta go. My grandma's waiting for me."
They all call after me, but I walk as fast as I can without running to the door. Instead of going home, I get into my car. I drive with no direction or destination in mind, just needing to put distance between Ben's family and me, no matter where I'm going. I finally stop when I reach a park. I'm pretty sure it's past curfew to be here but I park in the lot anyway and walk over to a bench. It's still wet from it raining earlier, but I just don't have it in me to care right now.
The cold seeps through my jeans when I sit down but somehow it's soothing. It matches the coldness I feel inside right now. I don't know how long I sit there before my phone begins vibrating in my pocket.
Hoping it's not Ben’s mom or one of his sisters, I look at the screen. For the first time since Regina asked me that question, my heart feels just a bit lighter when I see Jolie's name. I swipe the screen to pick up the call.
"Can you meet me in the park?" I ask instead of greeting her.
"Yes," she answers immediately, then slower says. "Are you okay?"
"Not at all," I admit.
"What park?"
I tell her the name and a few minutes later, I see headlights shine on the trees. I feel like I don’t have the energy to turn around. I just listen to the door open and close, the sound of gravel moving under shoes getting nearer until Jolie is standing in front of me. I slowly lift my head, feeling like even that takes entirely too much effort. Her eyes go back and forth between mine, concern clear in them. Then she moves into the space between my legs and wraps her arms around me. The coldness starts to fade. Just like that. I hug her back, pulling her closer, letting her perfume give me a sense of calm.
Eventually, my head against her chest, the darkness of her arms enveloping me, making me feel safer, I begin to talk.
"He texted me the night he died. A text that I'd gotten so many times before, saying it was all too much. That he didn't want to be in pain anymore, didn't want to live anymore. At 1:07 in the morning, the text came through. He'd asked me to go to the party with him that night, said he needed to get drunk. I didn't want to. I wasn’t in the mood to hang back and watch him swallow drink after drink, or to have to drag him back to his dorm room after he’d drunk way too much. I just couldn’t sit next to his bed all night again, making sure he didn't choke on his own vomit. I'd been doing it for years, and I didn't want to do it that night. So, for once, for the first time actually, I said no.
"He was supposed to come to my room, so we could watch a movie instead, order some pizza. I could see he shouldn't be alone, so I thought as long as we were still together, then it didn't matter where we were. I was wrong. I called and texted until he finally picked up around midnight. I could barely hear him over the music, could tell he'd already had way too much to drink. He was telling me to come to the party. I just hung up on him. So when the text came through, I read it." I swallow before speaking again, "And I put my phone back down. I put my phone back down."
"Elijah." She backs up and tilts my head up so I'm looking at her, as much as my shame tells me not to. "You cannot blame yourself for what he did. How many times did you see that text and come running to his side? I'm sure plenty. You had no way of knowing what he would do."
I shake my head. "Of course I should have known. Every time I've gotten that text, yes, I went to wherever the hell he was and made sure he didn't follow through. Sometimes he just needed to talk, sometimes he was so far gone that I had to physically hold him back from hurting himself. So I knew, I knew that when he texted something like that, he meant it. How the hell could I have ever ignored that text Jolie? How? When I knew he meant it if I didn't go to him? When I knew what he was going through and that he had no one else?"
Now, I do drop my head, trying like hell to hold in the tears that beg to fall. "I left him all alone, like I promised I never would. I left him and look what he did."
"What he did. What Ben did, Elijah. You had no control over what he did. Say you did respond to it, go to the party, drag Ben back to his room, sit there all night like you usually did, would that have stopped the next text that was going to come saying just the same thing?"
"But there would have been a next text," I croak. "There would still be a Ben. My best friend would still be here."
"You don't know that Elijah. And you know why you don't know because you cannot have been with Ben every second of every day. You can't have been there every time the thought of killing himself went through his mind. You saved him so many times, but could you have saved him forever, when his worst enemy was himself? You could have protected him from so many things, but not himself. Not from his own mind, not from his own pain and heartache. And do you know how I know that? Because you saved him so many times, only to have him end up in the same place, or hell, probably a worse place, and in the end, there was nothing you could have done."
"I failed him.” Those tears finally spill over now, warm as they run down my cheeks. “I promised I would always be there. He needed me, and I chose to go to sleep. To leave that text on my phone screen and close my eyes, knowing my best friend needed me. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that."
"Maybe you can't. Just like it's too hard to forgive Ben for giving up, maybe it'll be too hard to forgive yourself for choosing yourself that one time."
"Then what do I do with the guilt?"
"I don't know Elijah. I wish I did. For you and for me, I wish I knew."
She uses the sleeve of the hoodie to gently wipe my tears and for a moment I feel weak for crying in front of her. But the look in her eyes stops that thought in its tracks. There's understanding there, pain there, a deep knowing there. It makes it okay to let more tears fall and to continue talking.
"I feel like I'll be forever haunted by the what-ifs."
She moves to sit beside me now, but pulls my hand into her lap. Her thumb draws soothing circles on my palm as I continue talking.
