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"On three?" I ask.
She takes another deep breath and nods.
"One."
If I'm going to scream, I'm going to let it out too. The pain, the anger, the sadness, the heartbreak, the confusion, the bone deep rage. I let it all come rushing to the surface. And for once, I don't try to hold a bit of it back. I need to let it out. I need to try to let some of it go.
"Two."
So I let the images flash through my mind. All the times I held Ben in my arms, listened to him cry and ask me why he had to be that way. How I listened to his fake laugh, knowing how it hurt him to pretend, to wear that mask, even for a second. When I watched him drink to try and numb the pain, even if I knew it would all be right there waiting for him in the morning. That text, the closed casket at his funeral, his mother having to be carried out of the wake because of how loudly she wailed at the loss of her son. A son who'd taken himself from her. I let it all fill me as I fill my lungs with air.
"Three."
I scream. I scream like I have never screamed before. Loud, long, painful as it leaves my throat, carrying the hurt from my heart and soul into the wind around us. And beside me, I hear Jolie's scream, full of emotions she shouldn't have to bear. We both stop and without either of us saying a word, we begin screaming again, just as loud, just as long, just as full of pain.
It feels so good and bad leaving me. So good to feel like I can maybe leave some of these feeling here, on this cliff. And so bad, to know that my best friend is the one who makes me feel all of them. We continue screaming, lower now because I'm sure her throat is hurting just like mine. And then Jolie collapses to her knees and I follow her down because like I promised her, she can fall, but I will be right there to help her back up. But for now, I will stay down here with her, holding her, rocking her back and forth as her tears fall onto my sleeves and mine fall into her hood.
Then, at the same time, we both release a pent up breath and...we laugh. We laugh together after having just raged against the feelings warring within ourselves.
"Better?" I ask.
"So much better," she answers. "Thank you."
I pull the hood back a little to kiss her hair, and she snuggles more into me. We stay there, a little cold, wind whipping around us, a little less pain in our hearts.
When we finally begin to descend, we come around a corner not far from the peak and find a group of people looking at us with worried, puzzled eyes. We both burst into laughter and continue past them.
"Oh my God, they probably thought someone was stabbing us to death up there." Jolie snickers.
"And yet, no one came to help, so that makes me wonder about humanity."
"I mean, scaredy cat that I am, if I hear someone screeching at the top of their lungs, I'm heading in the other direction."
"Even me?" I tease. She puts her finger to her chin, and I tickle her side. "Oh yeah? It's like that?"
"I would come for you. Only for you would I put my fears aside."
I know she means what we're talking about, but the look in her eyes would have me believe she means so much more. That she means she’s putting aside fears of rejection, of this not working out, to love me. I hope so. Because she has nothing to fear from me.
We get back in the car and the rest of the ride is much different than the beginning, Jolie singing with the radio, she’s back to talking with barely taking a breath between sentences. Just the way I love to see her.
When we get back into town, I see her take her phone out and power it back on. It pings and pings with missed calls and texts. She shakes her head as she looks at the screen.
"Everything okay?" I ask.
"No, and I'm pretty sure it's only going to get worse when I get home."
"Didn't they know you were leaving?"
She cringes. "I actually texted them when I was on my way to your house that I would be gone for the weekend. Then turned my phone off right after."
"Yikes. Yeah, I foresee a very long conversation the moment you set foot in the house."
She sighs. "I know. And I already have no patience for it. Not a single part of me wants to go home."
"Well you could always come home with me."
"Forever?" she jokes.
