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"My grandma’s boy, he tries to hide it. Probably feels guilty for it, but I can see the anger there. And it's justified. Hell, I'm angry and Ben wasn't even my best friend. I'm sure I don't know half of what Elijah went through with Ben, but from what I witnessed, what I heard, I was angry that Elijah had to grow up faster than he should have had to. That he had to take care of someone else when he barely knew how to care for himself. That he based his decisions on what was best for Ben instead of himself. But what could I say? I had been in his shoes and I knew the obligation he felt."
"Been in his shoes?" I ask as she directs us towards a bench to sit on.
"With Elijah's mother. She begun using drugs when she was a teenager. No matter what I did, she would find a way to get them, find a way out of the house, leave the school right after I'd made sure to drop her off. But I refused to give up, because she was my daughter, and I loved her. Even when her father left because he said he couldn't deal with it anymore, I would go out on nights she didn't come home to look for her, to bring her home safely."
She shakes her head. "I saw things I can never forget. Picked her up half conscious from places I wouldn't leave a dog. But she was mine, so I did it. When she told me she was pregnant, I convinced her to go to rehab, to give that baby a fighting chance. She agreed, stayed clean the whole pregnancy. I thought it was a new page for her, a new chapter. She was fine in the beginning, the first few months of Elijah's life, she was there, late night feedings, changing diapers, happy, and she finally looked whole again after so long of seeming like she had no idea who she was. But something...changed. I couldn't tell you what, but one day I saw that darkness return to her. I knew it wouldn't be long. I thought I had convinced her to go to therapy, to get ahead of whatever was inside her. The day she was supposed to go to the appointment, she never came back home.
"She never made it to the appointment, and I had no idea where she was. And now, with a six- month-old in the next room, I couldn't go out and look for her. I had Elijah to worry about now. That guilt kept me awake at night for a long time. That maybe if I'd went out and found her just one more time, she wouldn't be...wherever she is now. But I had to protect Elijah now. And that's...that's when the anger came. Because, in my eyes, how could she look at that sweet baby and leave him? How could she choose whatever she did in those streets over him? How could she not want to get better when she now had someone else depending on her for everything?"
"But, she came back, right? Years later?"
She sighs. "Elijah never knew but she came around when he was two, asking to see him, asking to take him here and there, but I could see she wasn't clean, so I refused. I would let her see pictures of him, give her some money, and send her on her way. This went on for years. The only time I ever let her come around was when the school demanded to see her. She came and I only let her stay and say a few words to Elijah before I sent her on her way. I didn't see her for a while after that. Then when he was around ten, she started coming around again, but was actually clean each time. I was still weary of letting her around Elijah though. Although he knew of her, saw pictures of her, remembered meeting her the once, I didn't want to risk letting her back in his life only to leave him broken-hearted. But then she asked me why I'd given up on her. Why I'd turned my back on her? It was the very thing I'd always sworn I would never do. The reason I went looking for her again and again before I had Elijah to care for. I let her question sway me. I know that now. So, I told her she could move back in, and try to build a relationship with Elijah."
"But he wanted no part of it," I say.
She nods. "And I don't blame him in the least. I mean, someone hasn't been in your life for ten years, and now here they are, telling you they love you, giving you excuses that could never be enough for why they weren't around. I asked him to try and he did, but I also understood when he couldn't let her in. But my daughter, she couldn't understand. Felt she was due the love of a mother. And when he wouldn't give it to her, she returned to what she knew. I came home and found her passed out in the bathroom. The moment she was sober enough to go, I had her bags packed, and a cab ready to take her wherever she wanted to go. But she couldn't be in my house, not around Elijah. He didn't deserve to see her that way."
"Does he know that's why she left?"
"No. He just knows that she left. He never asked many questions about it. He probably just thought she'd chosen to leave him again. But I regretted letting her come again nonetheless, for letting her be in his life again at all. And that was the guilt, Jolie. The guilt that made me believe she could change, that I could change her. That I could save her. That I was all she had, and I couldn't turn my back on her. So, I know that's what you and Elijah felt. That you had no choice but to be the one to help this person you loved so much up when they couldn't stand on their own. But I wish you two would realize you are no one's savior, you are no one's superhero, you are no one's guardian angel. You tried, you did your best, all you possibly could for your sister, and him for Ben, but in the end, they gave up. They took their lives. They chose that end. And there was nothing either of you could have done or said to prevent it."
I don't realize I'm crying until a tear trails down my cheek. I nod, and she smiles at me.
"One day you'll see it. And one day, Elijah will too. I'm sure of it."
"I couldn't say it before, but now I'm sure of it too. I don't know when, but I am sure it will come."
"Good." She pats my hand and pulls on it as she stands. "Now, I brought you with me to smile not cry. So wipe those tears before someone thinks this little old lady is making you sob."
I laugh then, wiping my cheeks. "There is nothing little old lady about you."
She grins. "Why thank you. I was fishing for that compliment."
We walk into a store a few doors down and head towards the clothing section. I chuckle when she goes straight for a hoodie.
"You were saying something about what you wanted to do for his birthday," Louise reminds me.
"Nothing too fancy. Maybe going to the city, they have a carnival coming there on Wednesday. I don't know if you get on rides..."
She arches a brow. "I can hang with the best of them."
I chuckle. "I should've known. Okay, well the carnival and then have dinner somewhere near there. I was gonna get a cake made and have the servers bring out some slices with a candle in his."
"That sounds lovely."
"Are you sure I'm not stepping on your toes here?"
"Not at all." She waves my concern away. "I used to always try to do more for his birthday, but I could not stand to plan another party with Regina."
I chuckle. "Yes. I heard the party planning was about to turn into a knock-down drag-out."
She gives me an exasperated look. "She's insufferable. You'll see at the dinner." My face must show how much the dinner is already worrying me because she nods. "Yes, I'm as worried as you about the whole thing. I know Elijah feels like he has to go, but I don't like the effect going over there has on him. He always come back with a few more shadows in his eyes. But I am hoping this will be the last year they do this. Maybe this will be what his family needs to move on a little."
"I just don't want to sit there and watch them remember Ben one way, when I know Elijah is remembering him another. Although my parents were in denial about what was going on with Callie, they can't deny the fact that she took her own life at least. They have to face that instead of pretending it was some accident. Or....I think they do."
"Honestly, I think Ben's family knows. But to acknowledge it would unravel them in ways they aren't prepared for."
"Well, I hope you don't have to end up fighting anyone before the night is through." I lightly laugh.
