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She begins shaking her head vehemently, but I continue anyway.
"He wasn't trying to hurt you, or me, or his sisters. He wasn't trying to prove a point. He just wanted the pain to stop. He didn't want to hurt anymore." I swallow before revealing a truth I'm not sure I ever meant to. "He texted me that night. Before he jumped."
"What?" she barely whispers.
"He texted me. That's how I know it was no accident. He meant it. Maybe I should have told you all this before, but I didn't... I didn't want to make you see the other side of Ben. I still felt like doing that was a betrayal."
"Let me see." Regina holds her hand out.
When I look down at it, I find it shaking. I reach into my pocket and, taking a deep breath, I pull up the very last text from Ben. I begin to extend the phone to her, but she snatches it out of my grip before I can finish. My grandma takes another step closer to her, but I put my hand on her shoulder to restrain her. The way she cuts her eyes at me tells me she's right on the edge.
I look back at Regina and watch her eyes go over the words again and again. Her faces morphs through so many emotions, sadness, grief, anger, before finally settling on the one I assumed it would. Rage. Before I even realize what's happening, she brings her arm up high and then slams my phone to the floor. Rather than look at the screen I'm sure is cracked, I reach for Jolie as she surges forward towards Regina, hands outstretched towards her neck. But that leaves me unable to restrain my grandma, and she does reach Regina.
The sound of my grandma slapping her seems to echo in the living room. It even makes Jolie stop trying to escape my arms. Regina's face is shocked for a moment but then she’s trying to get her hands on my grandma. Mikaela and Denise hold her back and I begin moving Jolie and my grandma towards the door.
The people easily part for us, their mouths hanging open and eyes wide as Regina screams at our backs.
"Don't you ever come back here, Elijah." She screeching, a sob in her voice. "You are never welcome here again. None of you. You lying bastard. You did betray Ben. You let him die. I will never forgive you. I hope you rot in hell you fucking piece of shit."
I have to put my arm against the door frame to keep my grandma from running back into the house.
"Grandma please." I plead. "I just wanna go. Ignore her."
My grandma, chest heaving, finally walks down the steps and Jolie follows. Meanwhile, I'm wondering how their steps can look so light when mine feel like they're weighted down with all the guilt my body can handle.
"I will never forgive you."
Regina's words ring through my mind again and again. She knows now, that I left her son on that roof, alone and hopeless. That I ignored his text. That she truly has reason to blame me. And she will never forgive me.
I should never have told her all of that. I should never have lashed out against Ben's mother. All these years I kept what he was going through to myself and now I've done exactly what I never wanted to. Betrayed him, exposed him, shown the side of him he did everything in his power to hide from them. What was I thinking?
My stomach begins to roll, guilt gathering in the pit of it and twisting until I feel a physical pain. My grandma unlocks the door, and I rush past her and Jolie, not stopping until I reach the bathroom. I barely have time to get the seat up before I vomit into the toilet. I can hear Jolie's heels taking quick steps towards me and I wish I could reach the door, close it before she sees me this way, but all I can do is continue to try and purge the emotions raking my body.
Even when nothing else comes up, my chest heaves. I can't breathe. I can't take in air. I can't let it out. It feels like a weight is sitting on my chest that won't allow me to expand my lungs.
God, what have I done? I destroyed Ben's family's image of him. I destroyed their memories of him. How could I have done that? Why didn't I just leave the dinner when I felt the anger rising in myself? I can never undo, unsay, what I did tonight. Never. And Regina will never forgive me for it.
I finally stand on shaky legs and go over to the sink. I mean to turn on the water, put some in my mouth to rinse out the taste of my betrayal and guilt, but my hands won't let go of the sink ledge. My fingers grip the porcelain so tightly, they begin to ache. I look down at them, turning from red to a pale white and command them to release the sink but they won't. Maybe because the rest of my body knows if I do, I will fall. I will crumble. I will collapse. And I'm not sure what will make me get up again.
What kind of best friend am I? Is what Regina asked true? What kind of friend could I be if I would betray Ben like this, share his deepest secrets, tell everyone what laid behind the mask? What kind of friend could I have been when he reached out to me, begged me to help him, and I abandoned him in the end? I couldn't save him. Maybe I wasn't enough to save him because I wasn't a good enough friend to him.
A whimper leaves me. It's only a fraction of the pain rushing through my veins, but I feel like if I let more out, I will never stop trying to release it all. I will never know when it's enough. Suddenly arms wrap around me from behind. I don't have to look in the mirror to know they're Jolie's. Her scent surrounds me, her lips come to my back, and then she whispers words that would only make sense to us.
"Let it out Elijah. Like on the cliff. Let it out."
Tears fall from my eyes a moment before I do just as she says. I scream. My grip somehow tightens further on the sink, and Jolie's arms pull her closer to me as I let the pain and guilt and anger and sadness rip out of me. I scream until it feels like every ounce of energy has left me. I scream until it turns into a sob, a gut-wrenching sound that, even to my own ears, echoes with tragic pain. Finally my hands let go of the sink. And like I thought, I begin to crumble.
Jolie leans me back so we descend together, somehow helping us to fall softly, with me ending up sprawled between her legs. The screams are done but the wails begin. I clutch her arm as the tears flow down my cheeks, as I cry and try so hard to expel these unwanted feelings from myself. All the while, Jolie strokes my hair, rocking me from side to side.
"What have I done?" I croak.
"What needed to be done," my grandma states.
I look from the tiles on the floor to her eyes. They're red and full of anguish, boring into mine, making me listen to her.
"They needed to know, Elijah. And I know you feel it a betrayal to Ben, but it's not. Even though he's not here anymore, they had to know who he really was. Whether they accept that or not isn't on you."
"Was it so wrong for them to just go on believing he was a happy person?"
