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"Yes. Because it was a lie. And not a lie you built, but Ben. You are not responsible for keeping someone else's lie going Elijah. Do you hear me?"
I can't nod because I don't know if I agree.
"If it were you, if you had only ever let me see the charade you chose to show me and then killed yourself, would you have wanted me to know the truth after you were gone?" she asks.
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. And so do I. You would have wanted me to understand why you did what you did. That you were in pain and wanted it to end. You would not have wanted me to spend the rest of my days in some illusion."
I shake my head, casting my gaze down. "I don't know."
Because I truly don't. And my brain is tired of thinking. My body is tired of feeling. I'm tired.
My grandma crouches down to her knees and puts her hand under my chin, making me meet her eyes again. "You take tonight grandma's boy. You cry, you let yourself feel whatever you need to. Because I know that was probably one of the hardest things you've ever done. And I know you feel guilty and angry and like you lost a part of Ben all over again. So you take tonight to sink down into all of that sorrow. But in the morning, in the morning Elijah, you rise from that hole, you let those feelings go, and know that you did the right thing and move on from it all. Do you hear me?"
I don't nod.
"Do you hear me?" she repeats.
"But how Grandma? How do I rise?"
"By using every bit of strength you have. You either let the emotions overcome you, or you overcome the emotions. Those are your only two options. And I'm not letting you choose anything but the latter."
She kisses my forehead and stands up, leaving the bathroom without another word.
And all the while, Jolie has been at my back, still stroking my hair, letting my tears fall on her dress, holding me together lest I fall apart right here on this floor.
She doesn't say a single word as we continue sitting on the floor, as her fingers on my scalp give me a peace I don't really feel I deserve. As her scent calms me and her arms around me give me a security I can't help but feel I violently tore away from Ben's family tonight.
Finally, when the cold of the tiles begins to bleed through my pants and I feel like I have enough strength to at least stand, I begin to move away from her.
"Are you sure?" she asks softly. "I don't care how long you want to stay here."
"I'm sure."
She nods and stands up with me. Her hand links with mine and she pulls my body, which still feels much too limp, towards the hallway.
"Let's go to bed."
Exhausted as I am, I can't imagine sleeping. I nod anyway.
