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“Angel, you’re not there anymore, come back to us.”
A different voice. Both voices alternate between telling me I’m safe and asking me to come back to them. I don’t know how long it takes me to snap out of the flashback. When I finally come to, I’m in my bedroom with Bodie and Odin. I’m sitting in Bodie’s lap, with his arms around me, and Odin is sitting in front of us. He’s holding my face in hands, and when he realizes I’m focused on the present, he smiles at me, dropping his hands to hold mine in my lap.
“There you are, love. You had us worried.” He looks completely devastated and pale. “I’m so sorry. I should know better than to lunge at someone who has been through the kinda trauma you have survived. Can you forgive me?”
Reaching one hand out to cup his face almost in a mirror of how he was just holding mine, I reply, “There is nothing to forgive. You didn’t know I would have that reaction. Hell, even I didn’t know, since I haven’t really been in any situations that would potentially cause me to be triggered. Going forward, we will have to be mindful of that I guess. That is, if y'all still want to be around with all my bullshit.” I wave at myself like they can see my metaphorical baggage and let out a self-deprecating laugh.
He grabs my hand and kisses it. “Baby, it’ll take more than a little freak out to run us off. We all have our own bullshit, as you put it.”
Bodie squeezes me slightly and sighs. “Angel, you’re not the only one who has dealt with abuse. I don’t know where to start, so I guess from the beginning will have to work. My mom was a junkie, while my dad liked to hit the bottle and us. But he had a good job, so we had a nice house in a nice neighborhood. That’s how I met the guys; we all lived on the same block. My father died in a drunk driving accident when I was six, and my mom blew through what money we had until we lost the house, the car, everything. We moved to some roach infested shithole a couple miles away, but thankfully it was still in the same school district.” He sighs again. “The rest of the story isn’t pretty… are you sure you want to hear it?”
I turn so I can look him in the eyes. “If you are ready to tell it, I’m ready to hear it. If not it can wait. There is no rush.”
“It’s alright, Angel. It’s still hard to talk about, but if we want to try to form a relationship it’s important you know about my past. About six months after my dad passed away, my mother started selling her body to pay for her drug and alcohol habit. She never thought to buy food or pay bills, so our lights and water never stayed on, and I only ever ate at school or when I would go to one of the guys' houses. We mainly went to Callum's, since he had the most stable home life. His mom knew something was wrong but she wasn’t sure what. I pretty much stayed there as much as possible. Eventually my mother selling her body wasn’t enough.” He stops for a moment and looks up at Odin, who nods his head.
“She started renting me out to random men and women for drugs and cash. I was seven, and I didn’t know what sex or rape or anything was; I just knew it hurt, and I was scared, and I didn’t like it. That went on for two years, until one night she overdosed on some drug one of her regular clients brought. The week before when he came she had offered me up to him. But it turned out he had a couple kids of his own, and while he was a sex addict, any form of child abuse was a problem. So when he came that night to hook up with her, he purposely brought her a bad batch so that she would never be able to abuse me again. After she overdosed, he left and called the cops.
“This was over the summer and I hadn’t been allowed out of the house for weeks, so I was extremely malnourished and covered in bruises. I spent a couple weeks in the hospital to treat me for different infections and to have a feeding tube so I could gain weight. Callum’s mom went through all the classes and everything to become a foster mom, so I lived with them until we all bought our house.” He’s no longer looking at me and seems like he might be sick from having to tell me his story.
I was sitting sideways in his lap while he spoke so I maneuver off to kneel in front of him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Baby I am so fucking sorry your mother, the one person who was meant to love you unconditionally, failed you. I wish she was alive so I could kill her myself. What she did to you does not define you. You’re an amazing man, and have been so wonderful to me and my kids. They adore you, and so do I. Thank you for telling me your story.” I pause for a moment to gather my thoughts before continuing.
“I guess I need to share some of mine. Like you said, if we’re going to be in a relationship, it’s important to know about the past.” They both go to object but I cut them off. “No it’s okay, really. I need to do this. I’ve only ever told my grandmother and that was recently.”
They both stare at me, Odin looking conflicted for a minute. “Okay Babygirl, but only if you’re sure you’re ready.”
I lean over and plant a small kiss on his lips. “Thank you for checking, but I’m sure. I met Corin in high school, then we dated off and on through sophomore and junior year. However, the summer before senior year I told him I either wanted us to be exclusive and actually give it a real shot or I was done, and he agreed. Now, he wasn’t abusive at first, so the first couple of years were fine. He was a little controlling and jealous but he didn’t start putting his hands on me until after we got married. I wanted to be a teacher and since my grandmother was paying for my college, her stipulation was that I had to graduate if we got married.
“Corin didn’t want the debt, so we agreed. We got married the summer after high school, and three weeks after the wedding we both started college. He was going for a business degree so we didn’t have any of the same classes. One day I was waiting for him at the coffee shop on campus when a guy from my English class walked over and was talking to me. He had made some joke about something the professor said and I was laughing when Corin showed up. He didn’t say anything when we were there but as soon as we got home he lost his shit, accused me of flirting and cheating, and when I told him he was being dumb he slapped me.
“From then on, whenever I made him mad, he hit me. One day we were fighting on our way out of the apartment and he pushed me down the stairs. I thought my leg was broken and begged him to take me to the hospital. We found out at the hospital that I was pregnant, and because he’d controlled everything–including what I ate–I’d had no idea I was even pregnant, so they did an ultrasound to see how far along I was. The baby didn’t have a heartbeat, but it was a little girl.” I stop for a moment to compose myself and Bodie leans down to kiss tears off my face.
Taking a deep breath, I continue. “Since I was only fourteen weeks and showed no signs of starting to pass her on my own yet, they asked if I wanted to be admitted for observation, or given medication and sent home. I chose to go home, but the drive back was horrible. I had started cramping and was in excruciating pain. The whole drive, Corin laughed and said he was thankful he pushed me, because a daughter would be worthless. As soon as we arrived back home he dropped me off and left. I labored for twelve hours and passed my beautiful little girl alone. I named her Willow and buried her in the back of our tiny little yard.
“Unfortunately, he decided about a week later he wanted to actually try for a boy, and that it was time for me to be useful. He didn’t care if I didn’t want to, or that I wasn’t healed. He raped me almost every night for almost nine months until I got pregnant again. He tracked my cycle, knew when I could test, and every time the test was negative he beat me. I finally got pregnant again and about three weeks later I was bleeding and had severe pelvic pain.
“Once again I had to beg him to take me to the hospital, telling him something was wrong with the baby. They told me I was having an ectopic pregnancy, and I was rushed into emergency surgery. As soon as we got home he beat me again, claiming it was my fault. It got more brutal the longer it went on. Some days I didn't think I would live through it. That pattern of forcing me and beating me for negative results kept going until I got pregnant with Arden. When the test came back positive he stopped beating me; he still yelled and called me names but I got a break from the physical abuse. Once we found out I was having a boy, Corin was thrilled and started acting like the man I fell in love with.
“I thought things would get better and we could move on for our son, until I got pregnant with Lochlan. I was on birth control but it failed. Corin was so mad because he wasn’t ready for another baby. He beat me so bad that night the neighbors called the cops. Sure, they showed up, but his dad was the police chief so it did nothing. One of the cops that came told Corin if he ever put his hands on me again, he would come take care of him himself. For two and half years he didn’t beat me, though he was still cruel and would randomly rape me, but for the most part he ignored me.
“I got pregnant with Vivian and he swore it was going to be another boy and we’d be set on having kids. Then we found out she was a girl. He lost his shit and he beat me, trying to make me lose her, and almost killed us both. The cop from before found out, so he and some buddies went looking for Corin and beat him as badly as he beat me. After that he stopped hitting me, but when that didn’t cause me to lose her–” I stop to take a breath. “He kept raping me, hoping that would do it, but she was a fighter.
“She was born early and while she was in the hospital the same old cop, Mark, came up there and begged me to get out and get somewhere safe, but I was scared. After Vivian was born, Corin never touched me again and instead pretended that Vivi and I didn’t exist until he decided he wanted us dead, and y'all know the rest. Silas said he told you about the wreck.” By the looks on their faces, it's a good thing Corin is already dead, because I think they would have made him suffer. After we finish that awful conversation, we are all emotionally exhausted, so we just snuggle and watch some Supernatural.
