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Jen’s eyes pleaded with Holly’s. She reached over and took her hand: this time Holly didn’t pull away. Her heart fluttered at the contact.
‘How can that not change anything? That’s like someone kissing me while I’m in Sainsbury’s milk aisle. I had no control over it.’
‘Not exactly, but. . .’ Holly replied, her attention fixed on Jen’s hand. ‘You really think I want to spend my life worried Alison is going to come back and pull another stunt?’
‘She’s not coming back. I made it clear I was with you.’
Holly couldn’t help the smile that flashed across her face. Chloe had filled her in on what happened after she left the Lovefest event. It was good to know Alison got a little taste of her own medicine.
Jen took advantage of the change in mood and stoked her thumb across the back of Holly’s hand. A shiver travelled up her arm, straight to her chest.
‘You know what I went through with Shona. I can’t do that again.’ Despite Chloe’s efforts, the thought of Alison coming between them would always linger, a shadow following them at every turn.
Jen shuffled closer, her hand gripping Holly’s tighter. Holly couldn’t bear to look her in the eye. ‘I’m not your ex. This was a mistake out of my control.’
‘You could have told me she was there. You could have told me why you were being weird.’
‘I know. I thought I was protecting you.’
Holly sucked on her lips. They could go in circles forever. Holly wiggled her toes in her trainers, trying to expel the jittery energy rising within. Her head was in a tug of war with her heart, and right now she had no idea who would win. Much more of this inner back and forth and Holly would snap. ‘So, what do you want? Why are you here?’
‘Holly, please.’ Jen pulled her hand back, slamming her head against the headrest in frustration.
‘I can’t take the chance, Jen. I wasted my twenties on a relationship that was doomed from the start. Why is this any different?’ As the words tumbled from her mouth, Holly’s heart ached. She’d never felt for Shona what she did for Jen. Even at the start of their relationship. But Shona’s cuts were so deep, the bruises still so fresh, that no matter how softly Jen tread Holly would always be on the defence. Perhaps Holly had gone into this too soon. But she hadn’t set out to fall for Jen – this was never part of the plan. The realisation hit like a slap in the face: Jen wasn’t the problem, she was.
Jen looked like Holly had ripped her heart out and stomped on it. The tears rimming her eyes were instant. ‘You don’t feel the same way as me. I get it.’
‘And how would that be?’ Holly sniffed, she couldn’t see Jen cry without mirroring her emotion. She missed Jen’s hand and desperately wanted her to reach over again. She couldn’t be the one to do it though; too many mixed signals, to Jen and herself. God, why couldn’t she just settle on one emotion? Did she want her or not?
‘I love you,’ Jen blurted, punctuating the outburst with a quiet laugh as if it was the most absurd sentence to ever fall from her lips. ‘I understand that you don’t feel it back but I do, I love you. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve barely known you a month and now when I think of the future you’re all I see. I can’t walk away from this.’ She shook her head as her fists clenched. ‘This is too special to give up on. Tell me you don’t feel something? Anything?’
The words danced on Holly’s tongue but they still felt foreign, premature. The feeling that she’d had at Lovefest was dialled back, uncertainty dampening what she’d been sure of.
‘Wow,’ Jen huffed, misreading Holly’s silence.
‘It’s not like that.’
‘So what is it?’
Holly’s mind buzzed. ‘This is a lot. I thought I was going for a walk.’
Jen gave a quiet nod. ‘So, what now? You get out of my car and it’s back to silence?’
‘No. I can’t spend another week like this.’
A quiet laugh escaped Jen. ‘So we agree about something.’
‘I just—’ Holly didn’t even know where the sentence was going. She rubbed at her temple, willing her head to make the decision for her. ‘I need time.’
‘I’ll wait.’
Holly didn’t doubt it for a second, and that’s what was killing her. Could she really trust Jen with her fragile heart, or was it better for them both to walk away now?
