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‘I can show you, if you like?’ Jen said, producing her phone. A few taps and she held the device in her hand for a heartbeat, her jaw tensed as she turned it to face Holly.
‘Alison Rae? Get lost. Your ex is Alison Rae?’
‘You know her?’ Jen asked, taken aback.
‘She played a gig at my work once. Lovely girl.’ Minus Holly’s fringe, they weren’t dissimilar. Looking like your love interest’s horrible ex isn’t exactly ideal, though.
Jen stuffed her phone back in her pocket, her eyes fixed on the horizon. ‘She could be lovely, yes. But she treated me like shit. Let’s not talk about her.’
She’d never get another chance at this topic. It was now or never. ‘You don’t keep in touch then?’
Jen rolled her eyes with a loud huff. ‘As if.’
‘Sorry. I just figured after three years, maybe you still hoped she would come back.’ Why else would Jen be so adamantly single?
Jen was silent, her chest rising and falling gently as she thought. The electric sky silhouetted her perfectly, and Holly wished she could frame the image and keep it in her heart forever.
Why, oh why, had she gone down the ex route? Holly: master of saying the wrong thing.
Eventually, Jen spoke. ‘Maybe at first. That’s natural, I guess. But then I was just really mad. And as time went on, I realised I didn’t need a relationship. Being alone was so much easier. It’s not how I ever thought my life would turn out, but it is what it is, unless someone really special comes along and sweeps me off my feet.’
Jen’s final sentence was a sucker punch to Holly’s heart. Any future notions quashed. She’d not found that special someone in her. Duly noted. ‘Fair enough,’ she managed, her voice quiet.
The blonde turned, her gaze finding Holly’s, her green eyes brighter than ever against the pink sky. ‘You must feel the same, though. You’re not looking for anything either?’
‘Not indefinitely. You make it sound like you’re resigned to a life of spinsterdom.’
‘A few cats, I could make it work,’ she replied, a smile threatening. ‘Jokes aside, I’ve spent so long building my walls, the thought of putting myself out there and getting it wrong terrifies me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, what if they don’t like me back? Or what if I’m not good enough? I can’t take getting my heart broken again.’
‘How could you not be good enough?’ Holly asked, chuckling at the absurdity.
‘Doesn’t matter.’ Jen fell silent, her eyes back on the twinkling lights of the city.
Holly thought for a moment, searching for the right way to begin. ‘I understand.’ She paused again, about to chicken out before deciding it was important to share. Not just for Jen: for her, too. ‘I get the whole “being good enough” thing. Putting the blame on yourself. Do you know how I caught Shona cheating?’
Jen shook her head.
‘There’d been a load of break-ins, so I got one of those fancy doorbell things with the camera, you know what I mean. Shona knew about it, but I think she thought it only recorded if you rang the bell. Well, I was at work one day and got a notification about movement. It was Shona and a girl I worked with, kissing at our front door.’
‘Shit. What did you do?’
‘You’d think I would storm home and catch them in the act, yeah?’
‘You didn’t?’
Holly shook her head, running her tongue over her upper back teeth as she thought. It was a painful memory, one she’d never told anyone, but Jen made her want to be an open book. ‘I did my shift, went home, acted like nothing happened. I lay in bed, awake the whole night trying to figure out what I’d done wrong. How I could fix things.’ She stabbed a finger to her chest, embarrassment creeping up her spine like a cold chill. ‘I let it go on for months. They knew my shifts, so I guess it was easy to sneak around. I just. . .’ She paused, her voice faltering. ‘Looking back, Shona put doubt in my head for years before anything ever happened. Made me feel I wasn’t good enough, like the cracks in the relationship were my fault. That I had to carry that burden for the both of us and she was a good person for staying with me. I know that’s wrong now. It wasn’t my fault. She was just a dick.’ A little yelp of a laugh escaped.
Jen placed a hand on Holly’s elbow and emotion rippled through her. Before leaving London she couldn’t even imagine thinking that, never mind hearing the words come out of her mouth. Jen made her feel worthy: like she might actually be able to achieve something. Instead of waking up to the black pit of despair that usually occupied her chest, Holly was starting to get used to days full of possibility and hope. Regardless of Jen’s intentions, she would forever be grateful for that.
Two guys rounded the corner, one sparking a cigarette before handing the lighter to his pal.
‘Of course none of that was your fault,’ Jen reassured, her hand sliding to rest on the small of Holly’s back. ‘And I thought Alison was bad.’
‘For every arsehole there must be someone decent, yeah?’
