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She gives me a look of disbelief. I can’t stop the smile from forming. I cover my face and groan my annoyance.
This makes her laugh again. “It’s okay, Leia. Don’t be embarrassed. I will say, I don’t think you’retotallyover him, no matter how much you try to convince yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be sitting here thinking about it while spending time with your family.”
I hate when she’s right. Of course, I’m not over him. “I just hate that I even met him. I can’t focus on anything else. I lost all motivation to do anything, Lia. It just...sucks.” My voice breaks, and I hate it.
I clear my throat. I finally bring myself to look up at her, and she’s giving me a look of pity. I want to roll my eyes and play it off like I’m fine, but it’s clear that I’m not.
“Leia...do you love him?” My heart starts being faster. I’ve been trying to avoid ever hearing that word in regard to Jake Larson. I know in my heart that he’s my first love. It’s only been ayear. And I fell for a guy so hard. Not just any guy; I fell for a guy who doesn’t even have the capability to love. That’s what hurts the most. It’s just like running track & field; you wish you could turn off your competitive nature at times when faced with it. But you can’t, even if you really want to. I can’t turn off my love for Jake Larson. My sister’s hand touching my arm breaks me out of my thoughts, and I look back up at her. Something changes in her eyes. “I guess I have my answer.” I suddenly break down in tears, and my sister’s arms wrap around me. “It’s okay, love. Let it out.”
And I do. I turn into a slobbering mess on my sister. I don’t know how she’s hugging me right now. I’m practically having a panic attack, but it’s just my emotions on overload.
I’ve never broken down like this before, definitely not over a guy.
I fucking hate this feeling.
JAKE
This is the shittiest holiday. My dad’s a prick, and I can’t get Leia out of my head.
The bastard wanted me to come home for Christmas, but I told him to fuck off. I’m guessing he found out about the bullshit I did in Slovakia, because he made it clear he wants to ‘teach me a lesson’ about being a bum. You can probably guess where I told him he can shove his lessons.
I’m stuck in the frat house this Christmas, and all the boys went home for two weeks.
This. Blows.
I’m watchingHome Alonein the living room, and it bothers me how ironic it is that it’s on television right now. It takes the fact that I’m alone and no one’s checked on me to realize that my life is completely fucked. I let go of an amazing girl, I have no family to go home to for the holidays, and the fridge is freaking empty. Except for junk food and beer.
Forget all of that; I’m just focused on Leia. It felt so fucking good being able to touch her like that again. It was all I could think about in the last few days. I did a tribute to her in the shower this morning, and I’m ready to do another one.
Get a fucking grip, dude.At this rate, you’re just objectifying her.
But it’s more than that. I can’t explain my feelings for her, but she deserves so much better. She’s a beautiful girl with a beautiful personality. She’ll make a great girlfriend to someone someday. I’m not worthy of that. I wish I were, because these feelings for her aren’t going anywhere. I’ve been finding excuses to try and text her, but I don’t know how she’ll respond, or if she even will. So I opt for calling her.
I pull out my phone and click her name on my contacts. I hold my breath as the phone rings. I should delete her number, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. But this anxiety and anticipation is not healthy.
Come on, babe. Answer the phone.
“Hello?”
Her soft voice comes through the line, and I sigh with relief. I love her voice. Imissthat voice. I clear my throat and finally respond.
“Allie,” is all I can say. What did I call her for? There’s a moment of silence on her end, probably waiting for what I’m going to say next.
“Jake? Why are you calling me?”
I wish I knew the answer to that, doll. I’m such a mess right now. I don’t know what the fuck to say.
“I...just wanted to see how you were doing. How’s your holiday going?” This is lame. I silently curse at how pathetic that was. There’s another pause on her end before she responds. She probably thinks I’m being a weirdo.
“It’s going...okay, so far. I just finished eating dinner with my family, actually.” She sounds at peace. Way better than I sound right now. “How’s your holiday going?” She surprises me with that question.It feels like shit without you.
“It’s...fine. I stayed on campus for the holidays, so it’s going as best as it can.” She laughs at this. I smile at hearing her laugh. Everything about her I like. I feel so at peace listening to her voice. “Leia...about a few days ago—”
“Jake, we don’t have to do this. It was a one-time thing.”
If words were her superpower, she’d have the power to slap me. It hurts more than it should to hear her say that. I thought she liked it.
“Allie, I don’t want to make this phone call about what we did in the bathroom.” Although I love thinking about it. “But we can’t keep avoiding it, baby.”
