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Repeat!!
I smile at this outline. I was so...hopeful. I was so organized and excited for high school. It’s crazy to look back at the things you write in your early years. The even crazier thing is, the outline worked. At least for the four years I was in high school.
The purpose of it was to set me up for a successful college experience. When I made it to freshman year, and I involved myself with Jake Larson, it seemed like the outline no longer mattered.
My grades slipped for the first three months, I lost all excitement for my major, my motivation to continue is at an all-time low, and...the boyfriend that IthoughtI’d have by the end of college is no more.
Clearing my throat, I read the next entry:
July 23, 2017
Okay, high school journal, we meet again. I thought I was going to leave you alone after writing my outline for success back in 9th grade. It’s senior year!
There’s great news about Rubenstein after summer camp a few weeks ago: I’m a prospective student/athlete for the track team! I was over the moon when Coach Venus told me. I love the campus, I loved Coach Venus...and I might actually have a new crush. This sort of complicates things, journal. I’m dating Nick. But this new guy is...cute.
He’s like a freaking lumberjack and he was staring at me at the beach. A little girl like me and a beefy guy like him will never work, but it was nice to have that fantasy throughout the last week of summer...and maybe the first year of college. If I end up seeing him again. Who knows, journal, maybe we’ll have a one-night-stand on the first day of school, and that’ll be the end of it. He’s a cutie, so I wouldn’t be totally against it...if I weren’t a virgin.
It was just nice to have a popular guy like him show even an ounce of interest in me. It’s been rocky with Nick lately. He’s amazing, but...I don’t know, journal, it just seems like we’re falling apart. He was a novelty freshman year because he has that country club, picture perfect image he’s got going for him. But...I don’t think he likes me for the long-term, journal. I might be wasting my time.
I look away from the page. That’s about all I can read right now. The tears are back welling up in my eyes.
I don’t think he likes me for the long-term, journal.
If that’s not more telling of my life than as of late, then I don’t know what is. It’s amazing how much self-awareness I had almost two years ago. Nicholas Swanson and I were overlongbefore he cheated on me.
Meeting Jake Larson only sealed that fact. Again, I was a girl with hearts in her eyes, so I wanted to keep it going for the sake of our friendship.
I wipe my eyes and prepare myself for more down memory lane:
May 30, 2018
Senior year is OVER! Ahhhh I’m so happy to be done with high school. Now, it’s on to my new life at Rubenstein. I was salutatorian (not exactly what I was hoping for), but I was happy to have finished with honors.
I’m so happy to be leaving high school, not only because it’s exciting to take on new responsibility, but I’m also excited to have some independence. I love my parents, and I appreciate everything they’ve done for me. I’m even studying software engineering to take after my dad. But it’s time for me to discover life and see what’s out in the world. I’ve been sheltered for 17 years now. College should be a breath of fresh air.
That was the last entry in my journal. And boy, was I completely wrong. It’s humiliating reading my own words and digesting my naïveté. I was never a stupid girl; my grades and being able to sustain myself clearly show that. But I never thought I would cringe at myself from only a year ago.
There’s nothing wrong with a little naïveté.
I find myself laughing at the thought. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it...sometimes. Other times, you just look like a complete fool. But it’s not even the fact that I was naïve; it’s the fact that the little sparkle I had after graduating is gone. I was so happy to live my life, carefree, taking on the world. But maybe that was just too optimistic.
I’m eighteen years old; I shouldn’t be sitting here, stressing over my passion and a guy.Yet here I am.
Shutting my journal, I look up at the ceiling. What went wrong? I’m used to being in control of my life. I’m used to having a solution to problems that arise.
Jake Larson turned my life upside down.
Choking up a sob, I chuck the journal, the impact reverberating around the room. I lay face down on my pillow, crying into the cotton fabric. This is not happening. I’m not crying into my pillow like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I don’t even feel like myself anymore.Who is this girl?
“Leia?” A knock follows the small voice that sounds outside the door. I momentarily stop my cries, looking up. “Leia, babe, it’s Sarah. Are you okay? I heard you crying.” Whispers soon follow Sarah’s knocking.
