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He doesn’t respond.
His face is set like concrete.
I close the door.
That night’s show goes by in a blur. Fortunately, I know every step, every beat and every bar so intimately I could do it all my sleep, but my heart isn’t in it. It’s flailing around in my chest, all at sea, no anchor in sight. It’s not my ex’s impending visit that has made my mood plummet. That, in fact, I have given barely any thought. It’s the relationship I have with Isaac, and how Nate being here will affect it. I’d finally admitted to myself there was something between us. Then, he not only reciprocated, raising my hopes, he then smashed them back in my face and refused to lay another finger on me.
Quite simply, I can’t compete with a woman like Paris Navitsky, and I get it. She’s beautiful, she takes care of herself in ways I cannot fathom. She has curves to die for, and no doubt a collection of undergarments that cost the same as my house in West Hollywood. She has so much more experience with men than I do. She knows what they want, when they want it, and crucially, when they don’t. She’s worldly, well-travelled, well-read. She’s probably been to every museum and art gallery in the world. And what do I do? I prance about on stage singing bubble-gum pop to hordes of tweenagers. The only experience I have with the opposite sex is a brief and very public relationship with a boyband member who cheated on me in front of the world. I have zero experience with grown men, and because I’ve worked in showbusiness all my adult life, I haven’t lived like normal young women my age. There is literally nothing Isaac could see in me.
He's waiting outside my door again as I emerge from my dressing room and we walk in silence back to the path leading to the sea villas. As we near the boardwalk, my mood turns.
“Is this how it’s gonna be from now on?” I snap. “We don’t speak to each other? You just follow me around like a shadow?”
He leans past me to open the gate and waits for me to walk through. “It’s for the best. It’s the only way I can protect you.”
I look up at him and see nothing. No regret, no sadness, no resignation, nothing. “So, you think kissing me was a huge mistake?”
He stares straight ahead when he answers. “Yes.”
* * *
I wakeup with a strange feeling in my stomach and zero appetite. I spend longer than usual showering. I don’t know what it is I’m trying to clean off my skin, but there will never be enough soap in the world. I dress in a short playsuit and resist tying my hair in pigtails. Nate used to love that, but it’s certainly not how I want him to see me now. I don’t really know how I want him to see me. I want him to feel guilt and regret for treating me the way he did. I want him to realize what he lost and to want me back. But I don’t know if I want him. I thought about it all night and barely slept. Had I ever loved Nate? He was my first and only boyfriend. We had some cute moments and he took my virginity, but he also went behind my back and he broke my heart in front of millions of people. Sure, the public sentiment was decidedly #teamAurelia but that didn’t stop the humiliation seeping into my pores.
And then there’s Isaac. He’s made it abundantly clear nothing more will ever happen between us, and to be honest, I was foolish to ever think it would. But I live with him. He’s around me twenty-four-seven. I can’t get any respite from the way he makes my heart pound whenever he’s close, whenever he so much as breathes in my direction. Before we arrived at the concert hall last night, we heard a sound from behind some of the foliage in the grounds and Isaac held my arm. It burned where his skin touched mine and, for a moment, I was glued to the spot. It’s almost as though the fact he won’t come near me anymore has intensified everything. Or perhaps it’s because I know what his lips taste like against mine, and how it feels to have him lose himself on me, just for a second. I shudder, thinking about it. Nate was always slight and fumbling with his touch, whereas Isaac was aggressive and decisive. He knew exactly where to grip my hair, exactly how far to tilt my head, exactly where to press his tongue, exactly how to caress my jaw with his lips. His experience was clear and domineering, and I wanted to drown in it.
A knock at the door surprises me. “Who is it?”
Isaac’s voice comes from the other side. “Tawny’s here to see you.”
“Ok, I’ll come out.”
Tawny envelopes me in a warm hug and we walk out onto the deck, leaving Isaac inside watching us.
“Connor told me about your ex-boyfriend coming here today,” Tawny says. “I just wanted to check you were ok.”
“That’s so thoughtful. You didn’t have to come here.”
“Yeah, I know, but, well… I read up on the two of you last night after I heard he was coming. You went through a lot back then, so I just wanted to say I’m here if you ever want to talk about anything.”
“You’re so kind, Tawny. I really appreciate it.” My eyes flick to the villa. Isaac is sitting at the kitchen island, turning his head to look at us every so often. I’m relieved he’s far enough away that he won’t hear our conversation. “I’m not overjoyed about it, to be honest, Nate coming here.”
“Yeah, I thought as much. Why is he coming?” Tawny asks.
“He spoke to my mom apparently. Said he misses me and wants another chance.”
“Don’t you think that’s strange? I mean, have you guys been in touch lately?”
I shake my head. “Well, Nate works in strange ways. He’s usually super busy with the band but I guess they’re taking a break or something. He’s single right now, I know that much. I don’t know why I’m suddenly on his mind though.”
“You have switched up your image a lot over the last year or so,” Tawny suggests. “Maybe he’s seeing you in a different light or something. I mean, you’re gorgeous anyway, but with the skimpier outfits and the raunchier lyrics, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve caught his eye again.” She raises a cynical eyebrow. “How is his band doing at the moment?”
“Not well,” I say, toying with the hem of my playsuit. “I think their fans have kinda grown out of them a little. It’s harder for them to grow with the fan base, you know?”
“Right,” Tawny muses. “And I guess if you two got back together, the press would go crazy?”
I roll my eyes. “God, yes. If they even get wind that he’s staying here, they’ll jump to conclusions and go crazy anyway, if we were together or not.”
Tawny looks around at the spacious villa. “Is he staying here? With you?”
