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CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
Aurelia
Isaac really does wearhis heart on his sleeve. I can see a multitude of emotions and questions flit across his brow. I feel bad about what I’ve just done, not because it’s going to hurt Nate, but because I’ve stooped to his level.
“So, what now?” Isaac rolls off the condom and busies his eyes with it, avoiding mine.
I arch an eyebrow. “What do you mean, what now?”
“You gonna end things with Nate?” Still no eye contact.
I pause for effect. “Why would I do that?” Part of me hates this. That was the single best experience of my life, feeling Isaac’s pure and raw need for me override his better judgement, and I’m giving up any chance of it happening again.
Isaac looks up, rewarding me with another glimpse of those lust-drenched eyes. He’s speechless.
“You only did this because I’m unavailable,” I say, shrugging as best I can with my back on the floor. I push myself up to my elbows and he sits back on his heels, eyeing me suspiciously. “If I break things off with Nate, I’ll be available again and you won’t want me.”
“That’s not true,” he says, appalled.
“Isaac,” I start, pulling my legs from beneath him and getting to my feet. “Name one time you’ve been with a woman who’s been available to you.”
He doesn’t answer.
“Right? You can’t do it. You can’t open yourself up to someone who might leave.”
“So, your plan was to fuck Nate so you could fuck me too?”
I glare at him. Then I remember this was what I wanted. He’s right. I have wanted Isaac for weeks, and I know he’s wanted me too. But the only time he’s given into his feelings is the only time I’ve been truly out of his reach. I shrug my shoulders again.
“Do you realize how absurd that sounds?” He stands to face me.
“Yeah, I do.” I say, matter-of-factly. “Do YOU realize how absurd this sounds?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Why did it take this, huh? Why did I have to get involved with my ex-boyfriend for you to admit your feelings for me? And for you to do something about them?”
His frown deepens and I can’t tell if he’s more mad with me or himself. “I admitted my feelings for you before.”
“And you shut me down.”
“Because you’re my client.”
“So, what’s changed?” I look up at him. He clenches his jaw and doesn’t respond. “I was no longer available,” I conclude.
I pull a hairband from my wrist and scrape my hair back into a ponytail. His throat constricts as he watches. When he still doesn’t say anything, I feel the weight of what I’m doing sticking in my throat like a fishbone.
“So, it won’t be happening again,” I say, with finality. Then I walk back inside the villa before he can see me cry.
* * *
I can still feelIsaac inside me as I follow Luca and Alana to the back of the stage. Just five minutes to go and I’ll be back in my own world, surrounded by my music, my dancers and my fans. Normally, this is the moment I try to keep Isaac at the front of my mind. Over the last few weeks, every performance has become more and more about him. Every note I’ve sung has had his name on its tip, and every twist of my hips has had his invisible touch on them. But, this time, I have to push him back. And this is how it has to be. As earth-shaking as it was to feel him all over me, inside my body, my mind and my heart, I proved to both of us today that this can never be real.
I broke up with Nate straight after, knowing what I’d done was wrong, and also knowing it would render me completely undesirable to Isaac. Sure, in the heat of some moment Isaac might want to kiss me, like he did the first time, but ultimately, I’m not worth more. I’m only worth something if he can’t have me.
I’m not proud that I used Nate to get to Isaac, but I guess we’re even now. I simply can’t be with my boyband ex after the way he treated me in the past, and when I’m clearly in love with someone else. He took it surprisingly well, making me believe his heart hadn’t exactly been in it either. If I had the headspace, I’d be wondering why Nate had traveled so far to be with me if he wasn’t as invested in the idea after all. I resolve to interrogate my mother about it as soon as tonight is over.
I smile back at Alana as a runner counts down my entrance, then I inch onto the platform, take a deep breath and step into Aurelia Bird. The show must go on.
