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My stomach turns as I realize the truth of it. “You lied about the girl at the park. That was Cassandra, wasn’t it? The girl you slept with.”
“Yes.” I know it pains him to answer honestly. But it seems that now, in this office, he’s decided to lay it all out for me. Maybe this is what he needs to heal. I’m not so sure it’s working for me.
I don’t press him further because I know why he did it. There would have been no holding back for me had I known the truth. As it was I’d slapped him so hard it virtually turned his head. I’m sure his ego took a very big hit, too, because I did it in front of his entire office. No, as crazy as I was that day, I probably would have thrown myself on him like a wild cat, trying to claw his eyes out.
Even so, to know that I’d actually met the woman made me want to slap him all over again. Harder this time.
Turning away from them, I look at the wall to my right, and see all of the doctor’s accomplishments, degrees and awards. There are pictures of herself with other people I assume are her family. Colleagues maybe. It takes me away from the present enough that I can move on from it.
“I need a break,” I say, still looking at all the little faces on the wall. I’m not crying, not even angry right this moment. It’s more of a strange calm that takes over me. “Can I step outside for a minute, alone?”
“I want to come,” Owen says standing up, but the doctor stops him with a wave of her hand.
“Take your time, Cristiana. We still have another hour in our session.”
Dear lord, another hour.
Killing time, I stare out into traffic for a good twenty minutes, wishing I still smoked. It’s that kind of day where you crave all of your past vices.
Really, I couldn’t fathom what more we could talk about. It felt like everything that I needed to know, or ever wanted to know about that damned affair, I knew.
I’d been angry for so long, had created so many scenarios in my mind as to what could have led him to do what he did. While some of it did play out as I’d imagined, it did answer a lot of questions. Like, did he enjoy himself with her? How did I compare sexually to her?
I don’t know if relief is the right word. Maybe it’s more like a release of tension that something else is going to be revealed. Or that I ever have to worry about her coming into the picture again. Because I believe when he says that he was only with her a few seconds, and I also believe that he was so revolted by what he’d done, he pushed her off.
Even though I myself was done talking, he apparently felt we still had more to discuss.
Then the thought hits me. Now that we are done talking about him, we would move on to talk about me. As willing as Owen seemed to be to discuss things, and as much as he felt the need to have everything cleared up, things were very different with me.
For one, he doesn’t love Cassandra. He was with her for less than five minutes. And even though I hate to admit it, he was right. His mistake was not premeditated. It was stupid. He was stupid. But it was not something he set out to do and he felt great remorse the moment he did it.
Not only was I with Bo for two days, but I fell in love with him. Everything that I did with him was planned, it was meant as a way to get even. And yes, I knew that it would hurt Owen. It was an intentional injury, even if it was done as a reaction to my own pain. The worst part is that even now I don’t feel regret for having slept with Bo, only regret that I didn’t feel guilty over it.
Bo… His face comes into my mind and I push against it, mentally sending it back from where it came. I may not have a choice when I sleep, dreaming of him almost every night. But I’d learned to repress those memories during the day.
Wiping at my eyes and straightening myself, I walk back in, my mind made up on what I would be willing to discuss on the subject.
Nothing.
