AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Pulling out my phone, I go to my pictures and find the hidden screen shots of Bo’s and my conversations, reading them all again. Then, the very last one that came in almost two months ago.
-It’s been a month, Cris,came his text.
-Bo, you know I can’t leave Owen. I love him.
-And me? Do you love me? Either you want me or you don’t.
-You know I do. But it’s not that easy, I say.
-Yes, it is. And if you love me, you should be with me. Do whatever it takes to be with me.
-You can only say that because you’re single, I threw at him.
-I can say that because I love you. You know how I feel about you. I want you. I want to share my life with you. Cris, you’re the one. Everything in my gut tells me. You need to make a choice.
-There is no choice to be made. I am with Owen.
Completely ignoring my words, he ended the conversation with,-Fine. Take all the time you need. Let me know when you’re ready. Till then, you won’t hear from me again.
True to his word, I hadn’t heard from him since. It was torture. But somehow I’d managed to suppress my feelings, to push them back and go on auto pilot. Maybe that’s what Owen meant when he said I wasn’t there. In a way, I wasn’t.
After the visit with Dr. Riker, everything Owen and I had shared, it felt like I was back to normal. Then all it took to bring down the obvious charade, for what else could it be, was one look at Bo. Because really, I lost myself the moment I saw him. The “fucking” had nothing to do with it.
Andbecause I’m a glutton for agony, I look through the music playlist on my phone.
Have you ever been so afraid of a song, your finger hovering over the play button, for fear that the sound of it would evoke all those feelings even now lurking in your throat, and would burst forth with the total annihilating force of a tornado? A hurricane? As if keeping that melody silenced is enough to keep an aching heart away?
But there is nothing strong enough to stop nature’s fury, not tonight. And I listen, letting it kill me time and again. The music pours into me like a poison, and I take that deep breath that precedes an even deeper cry. I miss him.
At some point during my emotional breakdown, I climb onto the elliptical that we have in our room, taking my vodka with me. Placing it in the cup holder, I begin to climb, putting as much energy as anyone with liquor in their veins can. The harder I pump my legs, the harder I cry.
Clarity by Zedd comes on, and I sing it loudly, in full agreement with the words. Bo is my insanity and our love would be tragedy.
Then Taylor Swift’s song Dress reminds me of how Bo had taken my red dress off, not once, but twice.
The images of our sex plays in my head over and over, until like a tumor, I wish to excise all memory of him. It’s a decease, this infatuation I have with him, and little by little it’s taken my sanity.
Song after song comes on, until after a while they don’t even make sense, but I still find a way to relate them to Bo. Anaconda makes me think of him for obvious reasons. Red, Red Wine, because if I drank wine, that’s what I would be doing right now, straight from the bottle.
I become so engrossed in the music, in letting go of all that pent-up longing, that my legs move slower than the elliptical, and I’m thrown off balance so hard I am fully flung off the machine. It was a blessing, really. It could have been so much worse. I don’t always, but this time I am aware that it’s time to quit. Wobbly getting up, I somehow get into bed.
Rolling up the dress, I snuggle into it and hold it as if though it were the man himself. As I finally drift off, he is the last thing on my mind.
Bo, why can’t I get you out of my head, Please, please let me go…
Come back to me, Bo. Come back to me. Come back to me. Come back…
Bo. I love you. Bo, Bo…
