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“Cristiana, this isn’t something I usually do. No scratch that. This is something I never do. But in your case, I think the only way I can help you is if I can gain your trust. So, I want you to listen to my notes based on the recording from our previous session.”
She hands me the recorder and I hesitantly take it from her hands. Then I press play. There is a moment of silence after a very obvious breath.
In the case of Owen and Cristiana Roberts, today, I will be focusing on the latter.
The patient sat rigid and away from her husband, which to me shows a level of distrust and vulnerability. It was obvious to me as well, that while she voiced a willingness to be here in support of him, her feelings on the matter were quite different.
The posture changed as they both shared memories of the day they met, with Mrs. Roberts holding his hand and for the first and only time during the session looked into his eyes.
However, this quickly changed when the matter of his affair was brought up. There was a blatant refusal to discuss the events that led to the affair, which I hoped would help in the healing process, as they do have a genuine love for each other. But it seemed to have the opposite effect when he told his side of the story, as in the end, when he conveyed his distress over the matter, she shut down, retreating into herself.
I was myself able to see the distance he spoke of, though I do not believe it to be a distance caused by him. This suspicion was further confirmed when she refused to speak of her affair in any degree, and the ache at her part in it was overly evident.
There was a long pause.
It wasn’t the usual remorse I see in couples that want to rebuild a relationship. Yes, there was sadness in her eyes. So much sadness. But there was more than that. There is no doubt in my mind that what I saw was conflict. Perhaps at the lack of guilt?
But, if she loves Owen, why would there be a lack of guilt at having taken off with another man. Unless… Unless there was also an emotional connection. Mm. This one is too close to home.
The recording stops.
I wipe at my face and am surprised at the wetness that I find. Nowhere in her notes or recording is there judgment.
The doctor gently takes the recorder from my lap. “It seems I was correct in my assumption of your feeling towards this man.”
The knot in my throat is hard to swallow, and it takes me a minute to get it down and answer her. “His name is Bo.”
She nods as if this was all she needed to hear.
I shake my head, tears spilling faster down to the clasped hands on my lap. When I look up at her, she’s studying me in that way that she does, only this time I realize it’s not ill intentioned, but simply watching how I react. It’s her job.
“I haven’t slept with Owen again since I slept with Bo this last time. It feels wrong. Tainted.”
“I can understand that.”
“Tell me what to do.” I look to her imploringly. “How does anyone make a decision like this?”
Taking my hands in hers, she says with true sincerity. “This is a very hard thing to do, Cris. I don’t envy you. Things are so different when it’s a clear-cut affair. But this… It’s not often I encounter it, believe it or not.”
“Then how do I make the choice?”
“Mm,” she says thinking to herself. “You said you envision yourself at a fork in the road.”
“Yes.”
“All right then, here’s what I want you to do. Close your eyes,” she commands softly and I do. “Now I want you to imagine that road. Picture it in your mind’s eye, as if though you are really there. Make it real.”
With my eyes closed, I focus on the image in my head. A dirt road that forks into two, between a dense forest that darkens them so that I can’t see where they end. Both identical paths, beautiful and terrifying at the same time. “I’m there.”
“Assign Bo to one, and Owen to the other. Don’t tell me which is which. Keep that to yourself.”
“Okay, I did.”
“Now, I am going to tell you which one to go down. You must promise me that you will walk down that path no matter what. This is the man I want you to choose. Do you understand?”
My eyes pop open. “What? You mean we’re going to basically flip a coin.”
“Of course. If you can’t make up your mind, both paths equal in your mind, then it shouldn’t matter who you choose. You will be equally miserable, and happy. Am I right?”
