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Tears burn my eyes and I quickly swipe at them as if threatening them to never reveal themselves. I laugh incredulously at my own confession.
“God, I’m the worst. What kind of psycho mother am I?”
“One that wants to keep her child protected.” Xan’s tone is flat, and we sit down in the grass next to each other. Del helped Jet with the warmups and Millie looks over her shoulder waving and smiling like the happiest kid in the world. So completely oblivious to the chaos that brought her here.
“Believe me, I get what you’re feeling.” Xan waves to Millie and leans back, bracing himself with his hands. His face shadowed and more memories swirl around us.
Him showing up to our creek, his sister Tabby on his hip and he would kiss me quietly and I would know. We never talked about it, he never mentioned it, but protecting Tabby was a mission for all the Ryker siblings. Del fought back, Pris had an iron will. Tabby was too sensitive to be a Ryker. And some nights—the particularly bad ones, I presumed—either Xan or Jet would take her out of the house. We would lie with her in the box of the truck under piles of warm blankets and find shapes in the stars until she’d fall asleep. Then Xan and I would sit on the end of the box and talk. Sometimes those were my favorite nights.
“I’m glad she gets to though,” I add and Xan shifts uncomfortably. “I’m glad she gets a chance to know you.”
Silence falls between us and there’s nothing awkward or uncomfortable about it. There never was. Millie is the only other person in the world I can be happily silent with.
It takes maybe ten minutes before Xan to jump up and start arguing with Jet about drills. Del throws her arms out in exasperation and stalks over to me, plopping down beside me.
“Those two.” She shakes her head.
“The more things change, the more they stay the same.” I reply.
“Right? They are the most pig-headed men I’ve ever met.” She kicks off her boots and digs her brightly painted toes in the grass. Del has always been the girl-y Ryker. Other than softball, everything was about fashion and boys and celebrity gossip. It was annoying when she was little, but she apparently didn’t grow out of it. Her make up is perfect, her hair is expertly colored, and her fake nails glitter in the sun as she plucks a blade of grass.
“It sucks to have brothers who love and protect you,” I tease and Del leans over bumping my shoulder with hers.
“See? You get it.” Del grins, watching Xan as he talks to Millie with a hand on her shoulder and excitement in his posture. “She’s so beautiful.”
I laugh out loud, attracting attention from other parents sitting in the grass a short distance away. They’ve been staring at us since we got here. Word has spread around town of my return and the new Ryker scandal. I just don’t care. I can’t.
“Del, she’s almost identical to you.”
Del sticks her tongue out at me. “You know what I mean.”
“Thank you. Being her mom is my whole world.”
The air thickens around us and I don’t realize the effect of my words until Del lets out a big breath and tucks her feet back in her boots, leaving me sitting stunned on the ground. She heads in the direction of the bathrooms—a small brick building with a couple stalls off the far end of the school field.
I’ve obviously offended her, but if I remember anything about Delilah Ryker it’s that she has two emotions—delightfully bubbly, or viciously angry.
Jet gives the girls a water break and Millie crashes to the ground beside me.
“You having fun?”
“Mom, there’s a game this Saturday. Jet said I could play. But it’s in Morleau, not here. Can I go? Can I play?” Her words all topple out on heavy breaths. Her cheeks are red from running and her eyes sparkle in a way that makes it clear that my only option is to say yes.
“Sure, sweetheart. Of course, you can. I can take you.”
Her face falls and she glances at the field to Jet, still in heated talks with Xan.
“Um, well. The team is going. On a bus. I sort of, um” she frowns as she thinks of how to let me down lightly and I realize that she’s never had to ask to go somewhere without me. It’s a first for her. Her first trip out. Exciting for her. A kick to the gut for me.
“Oh right,” I pat her leg. “Of course, they’d take a bus. Silly me.”
My heart breaks at the thought that my little girl wasn’t little anymore. To be happy and sad at the exact same time—to be proud and disappointed—is too jarring for me and I stand, dusting off my pants.
“I’m going to go get my water bottle from the car, okay?” I say and Millie nods, jumping up and heading back to the field.
Del’s back, and she feels more stable. She holds out her shirt, rubbing at a red stain along the bottom hem, seemingly trying to glare it out.
She startles when she bumps into me. “Oh, hey. Where are you going?”
