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He doesn’t speak, but stands there watching me with those eyes, the ones that see right through me. The ones that are shadowed under his low distrusting brows.
“I know something is going on,” he says finally helping me clean the floor. “You don’t have to tell me. But I do need to know if you’re safe, Briggs? If Millie is safe?”
He reaches for my hand and I pull away knowing if he touches me, I’m done for. I’ll spill all my secrets like melting ice cream on hot pavement. I don’t need Alexander Ryker to save me anymore.
“A couple years ago,” I launch into my lie knowing he won’t buy it but I’m committed to not letting him into my heart again. “We were in Colorado and some drunk kids thought it would be funny to go around smashing RV windows. It really freaked me out. The banging brought back the memories. That’s all. I was groggy from my nap.”
I make a show of scrubbing my face and hope I’m convincing. He doesn’t believe me. I can tell clear as the sky outside. But he doesn’t push it either.
To keep my shaking hands moving I open the fridge and grabbed two beer, offering one to Xan. He takes it and follows me out to the porch. I pick the sunniest spot to sit and drink. Big gulps of fizzy beer burn my throat and I blink back the prickly tears that come along.
“I can’t believe Millie didn’t want us at her game,” Xan comments, staring at the mountain range, sipping slowly from his drink. I’m immediately distracted by his body, curious to see the changes up close. “I wonder how they’re doing?”
Xan checks his phone then tosses it next to him on the lounger. I don’t know what else to do so I finish my beer and grab another.
Xan watches me carefully, a scrutiny that makes me uncomfortable, so I keep drinking.
He eventually goes back to fixing the house and I watch him. The buzz of alcohol rips through my body and tension and fear melt away. He’s sexier than I ever remember him and in my altered state, my mind has revolted and sided with my body. All of me wants him. None of me can have him.
“It’s not fair,” I say as he holds up an eavestrough, his shirt lifting slightly and his arms straining with effort.
“What’s not fair?” He asks muffled with a screw pinched in his lips.
My cheeks heat with booze and embarrassment. I did not mean to say that out loud.
After I don’t respond he finally pays attention to me. “What’s not fair, Briggs?”
“You. And me. All this this.” I gesture openly but know I’m not making any sense.
He furrows his brow and the sound of the drill drowns out my thoughts.
When he’s back on the porch he uses the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face and I ogle him openly.
“You need to stop doing that,” I mumble, and he tilts his head in further confusion.
“Stop doing what?”
“That,” I say pointing to his abs and making a circle with my finger to gesture to his whole body.
“Are you drunk?” He laughs.
“No.” I get to my feet and the earth tilts sharply to the left taking me right back down with a thud. “Maybe.”
His full laugh echoes and he reaches out to take my hand, helping me up. He slips an arm around my waist and guides me around the patio furniture.
“Have you eaten anything today?” He asks and I shake my head. “Well drinking four beer in 30 minutes in the sun on an empty stomach is maybe not a great idea, Briggs. Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I’m fine,” I say sharply as we enter the cool house. Xan plops me down at the table and moves around my parents’ house as if he lives there. Nothing has changed in the last ten years and he doesn’t miss a beat making me a turkey sandwich, like he used to when we were teenagers and would party out by the gravel pits. I would drink too much and he would bring me home, feed me, give me a quick kiss and disappear into the dark before my mother would wake up and come downstairs. Usually to lecture me about how Xan was terrible for me. No matter what I said about being the one who got drunk, the one with no control, the one who doesn’t deserve a boyfriend that dedicated to my happiness, my mother was convinced he was the bad influence.
Her notes come crashing into consciousness and sadness fills every pore. The love and passion she had. When did she lose it? How did it fade away?
Tears sting but I tighten my lip and suck in a powerful breath before my next thought crumbled me.
When did I lose the passion I used to have? When did my capacity to love fade away?
“Hey,” Xan’s voice is soft, nudging me back into my mind, into my body.
“We were so in love,” I whisper but he startles as if I shouted at him.
