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Why does the statement that provided me assurance days ago suddenly cause so much doubt?
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Xan asks touching my shoulder.
No, I think as I nod. I’m toxic, and selfish, and a terrible mother.
“I’m ready!” Millie calls from the window, distracting Xan.
“Did you brush your teeth?” He calls back.
“Yes,” Millie draws the word out. She’s lying.
“That was not enough time to have done it well.” Xan catches her lie and shakes his head. He turns to me for a moment on the stairs. “When I get back, we’re going to talk about this. You need to start talking to me.”
I don’t answer him because it wasn’t a question. Xan swooping in and taking care of everyone, protecting everyone, fixing everything.
But it doesn’t matter how much I tell him.
He can’t fix this.
It doesn’t matter if I stay or go. Any which way this plays out someone is going to end up heartbroken. Every ending to this situation is one that hurts.
There is no happy family for us.
So why do I still desperately want it?
