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I gaze through the skylight ceilings and blink back the emotion that builds up inside me. Of course, I’ve thought of all this. From the moment my lips touched his I’ve been on a constant loop.
“We’ve already tried rearranging our lives for each other. It didn’t work out.”
“But this time no one is standing in our way. We’re not kids anymore.” His face is hopeful. “Just think about it, okay? Promise you’ll at least think about it.”
I nod as Millie skips into the studio with her glove tucked under her arm. Her smile falls the second she enters the room, sensing the tension.
“Hey, Sweetheart,” I say jumping down and helping her with her hat, threading the ponytail through the hole in the back.
“You okay, Mom?” She asks and I hug her tight. Xan catches my eye and I nod. I’ll think about it.
I lean back and cup her cheeks in my hands. “I’m great. You go have fun at practice. When you get home, I have something I want to run by you.”
“Okay,” she says and grabs Xan by the wrist. “Come on. I don’t want to be late.”
He laughs, allowing himself to be dragged from the studio.
Thank you,he mouths, and I wrap my arms around my middle.
Being with him again scares me. Being a family scares me. But I owe it to Millie to ask her what she wants.
#
WhenDad gets home from work, I can hear his walking cast thud on the hardwood, but I continue to stare out the window at the thick tree line. Part of me wished I could walk into the shadows and disappear.
“You okay?” Dad asks and flops down on the couch red faced with a sheen of sweat on his brow.
“Xan wants to be a family.” The words fall out, but Dad doesn’t seem shocked by it.
“I think that’s what he’s wanted since the day he met Millie.” The tone suggests I’m the only idiot who hasn’t figured that out yet.
“We can’t be together because we have a kid,” I snap. That’s a terrible reason. If it didn’t work, it would crush Millie.
Dad doesn’t answer, just grabs the stick from the coffee table and shoves it down his cast to sooth his itching skin.
I study my father then. A quiet and stubborn man who keeps his emotions to himself. I never remember him doing anything extravagant for mom, no grand romantic gestures, no sweet slow dances in the kitchen, no flowers.
No passion filled love notes. That was Jason Ryker.
“Did you know about Mom and Mr Ryker?” This question does startle him, and he scowls for a moment before nodding.
“I always knew that your mother was madly in love with someone else when we first started dating.”
“But you didn’t know it was him?”
“Nope. She never spoke of her past in specifics, only generals. It wasn’t until you and Xan started dating and her strict disapproval that I began to suspect. Once I knew it was so obvious.”
“How so?”
“The way she looked at him. She pitied him I thought, but I think she was longing for who he used to be.”
“Did you know him when you were younger?”
“Jason didn’t used to be like...Jason. He was a good kid. A lot like Xan. Soulful and hardworking but that boy had demons and he looked to God to fix them but turned to alcohol to feed them. He spiraled pretty slowly into what he is now.”
My heart aches for my mother, and somewhere deep inside I feel a small pang of sadness for Jason. Most of all this entire conversation is fanning the flames of something I’ve always worried but never had the guts to say.
“What if Xan is headed on the same path?” Worry laces my voice.
