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Never once have I regretted it.
“I called him when Millie was born. I called him to tell him about her. I wanted to give him a chance to do the right thing. I spoke to his father, but he wouldn’t let me talk to Xan. All of you were working against us.” It feels like the truth. I’ve never before had a moment where the truth was palpable. I can taste it, feel its texture on my tongue. Xan’s parents wanted us apart as much as my own did.
“Why?” I continue, breathless and my fingers itched to do something. This is where my past self would reach for a cigarette and fumble with a lighter and inhale the deepest breath. I’ve replaced that habit with jewelry making. The fine materials and detailed work keep my fingers moving and the concentration isolated me from my feelings.
“You were kids, Brigitte. The intensity of your relationship with Xan scared your mother. It scared us all. You two were so lost in each other you had no idea.”
“That wasn’t your decision,” I say with acidic hatred dripping down the back of my throat. “It wasn’t up to you.”
“It was up to us to keep you safe. To keep you away from a life like theirs.”
“Why do you keep saying that!” I lean forward on the table, pressing my palms into the wood with the force of my frustration.
“You knew Xan’s father. You knew what he was like. Your mother was terrified for you.” His evenness was almost smug as he crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. Father-knows-best is an expression I’m used to. I hate now as much as I did as a kid.
“Because his dad was an asshole? Did she think Xan abused me?”
Dad says nothing and I stare at him until his hands shake and his jaw works the words in his mouth before he says them.
“You followed him around like a puppy. You lost everything in him. You gave up everything for him. It killed us to watch you throw your future away for a boy. A boy that we assumed would end up like his father. I didn’t want that for you. Your mother didn’t want that for you. You’re better than him, but you looked at him as if he hung the moon just for you.” Dad slammed his hand on the table to drive in his point.
Tears burn my eyes, but I hold them back, fighting the urge to defend myself. I wasn’t one of those girls who lost her identity in her boyfriend. I couldn’t be. But even now, as a grown woman the moment I see him I want to go to him. Right this moment I want to go to him.
Oh God.
He didn’t know.
I straighten up abruptly, my entire being burning to talk to him. I’ve spent ten years hating him, when all this time he never knew.
We trusted the adults in our lives, and they all betrayed us.
“I’m taking your truck,” I state and Dad startles. “Millie will stay here with you.”
I snatch the keys from their hanger and head out the back door to talk to Millie. There’s a shiver to the evening air and on the bottom step I pause to listen. Prickles climb the back of my neck and I peer into the trees that surround my house. Bears are common around town, but they usually stay away from people. Even though, I get nervous. For the past year I’ve been on vigilant watch. Something’s in those trees. I can feel it. The wind rustles the leaves and I startle. Bear or human, I want neither stalking my daughter.
“Millie,” I call trying to keep my voice even and she pokes her head out of the treehouse.
“Yeah?”
“I need to run to town for a second, can you come inside and start getting ready for bed please. I’ll be back to tuck you in. Pops is here. He can read with you if you want or you can do your reading on your own.”
“Okay Mom,” she says going back to whatever imagination game she’s dreamed up. Being an only child and on the road nine months out of the year she’s gotten pretty good at entertaining herself.
“Now, please,” I holler knowing she’ll be out here til midnight unchecked. I wrap my arms around my stomach and glance at the tree line again.
She heaves a heavy sigh like only a preteen girl can and trudges down the ladder. She hugs me quick before dragging her feet back into the house.
I rub the back of my neck under my blonde curls and scan the yard one final time. I’m actually more concerned that a moose is close by than a bear. Moose are big and skittish and dangerous. I blink hard to stop the memories of Mom’s accident from flooding me. Too many things are coming at me from too many angles. Right now, I need to think about Millie. I need to talk to Xan and straighten this whole thing out. I’m not upset that my parents wanted me and Xan apart. We’re classic forbidden romance material. I get it. Different values, different lives, different priorities, different privileges. Our parents were trying to protect our way of life.
What pisses me off beyond anything I’ve known is that my kind sweet big-hearted little girl missed out on a father. All because my mother decided it was up to her to choose my fate.
Even dead my mother still controls everything in my life.
