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Chapter Thirty-Four
BRIGGS
Jet and I ride backto the Ryker place in total silence, the sound of the tires on pavement and my still thundering heart in my chest.
I promised the police I’d come down to make a statement, but I need to see Millie first. I need to hold her and tell her I love her and that I’m so sorry. I’m disgusted at how easily I came undone at Leslie’s torment. How ready I was to tear Millie away from everything she’d gained here in Raston. A team, friends, and family that loved her so much.
When we pull up Zeke is sitting on the front porch, drinking a beer with a deep-set scowl in his rugged face. He takes one look at me, my face scratched and blood on my shirt and he stands.
“It’s fine,” Jet assures him patting his shoulder as we pass. “We got her. It’s over.”
“What do you mean got her?” Zeke follows us inside but I’m not paying attention. I only look for my little girl and when I see her my eyes fill with tears and a sob threatens to burst my throat.
She’s sitting on a massive sofa in front of a huge TV watching god knows what. She’s between Del and Tabby, all three with huge smiles on faces covered in a pink goo. Millie’s toes are a bright yellow, her fingernails the same blue as her team uniform. All three of them are snuggled under a heavy quilt with toes sticking out the bottom. Tabby tosses up a popcorn and Millie tries to catch it, it sticks to the mask and all three of them laugh.
The happiness on her face is more than I can handle, and the tears begin to spill over. Soul wracking sobs crack my ribs and hot tears pour down my cheeks. Pris grabs my elbow and yanks me into the kitchen and I collapse into her. I throw my arms around her and let it all come crashing out. She’s stiff and uncertain before she puts one arm around me and pats my shoulder.
“I’m s-s-sorry,” I cry into her shoulder and she aims me at a kitchen chair, sitting me down and I fold my arms on the table and cry into them. I hear banging around and the hiss of a kettle and then she drags a chair up to mine.
Pris lays a hand on my arm and I lift my head. She’s as emotionless as always, but there’s a kindness in her eyes she’s never flashed my way before. She hands me a warm cloth and I wipe my face, streaks of blood left behind.
“Don’t let her see you like this,” Pris says pulling her own hoodie over her head and handing it to me leaving her in a long-sleeved purple scoop neck.
“Thanks,” I reply putting it on, her warmth still trapped in the fabric.
“What happened Briggs?” She leaps up when the kettle boils to pour water over a sweet-smelling tea bag and hands the cup to me.
I tell her everything. It all pours out of me, every detail, every unflattering truth about the mistakes I’ve made as mother because I was trying so hard to protect my independence. My stubbornness is what’s to blame. Leslie is a sad lonely woman who had driven away her daughter through her obsessive behavior and misguided mistakes. She admitted as much in her confession. Her daughter had said the shit she pulled with me was the last chance.
I am overrun with fear when I realize that the same thing could happen to me. The same thing almost did. If I take Millie away from here, away from Xan, away from what she’s come to truly love over the last few months, then I will plant the seed of resentment in my daughter. Like Leslie did with hers.
Like my mother did with me.
“Do you want to know why I’ve never liked you,” Pris asks and I choke on my tea.
“Okay,” I say, my throat raw from all the talking.
“You did something to my brother. I never understood it then. Back then I saw you as a threat to my family. Xan would have done anything for you. He did do anything for you. He risked everything for you. At the time I thought it was reckless. I thought you were taking him from us. Making him choose between us and you. I’ve never seen anything so devastating as when you left. I blamed you.
“Now I understand what it was. When he was with you, he chose himself. What I saw as him abandoning us was actually him taking care of himself. Our whole lives Xan has had to step up, be a father when he wasn’t ready, be a protector when he didn’t want to be, act like a grown up when he was only a kid. Then you showed up and he was happy. He just wanted to be with you, to be himself. Even now, you make him choose himself. He’s been wallowing in this accident and we’ve been terrified he was going down the same path as Dad. Then you showed up and immediately he sees himself again. It was us that were holding him back, not you. I hated you for making him selfish, but it was me that was selfish. We rely on him for everything and you’re the only one who’s ever let him be him.”
Fresh tears bubble up and Pris rolls her eyes at me. “Good God don’t cry. We’re not besties now.”
I laugh through the gurgle of snot that follows my tears.
“I’ve never loved anything like I love your brother.” I say shocked that it comes out in present tense. Pris smiles with half her mouth, picking up on my slip.
“So, don’t go, Briggs. Be a family. If there’s anything my brother is great at its his devotion to family. But I think you know that, and that’s what scares you more than anything else.”
She taps the table and stands, never an awkward goodbye with Pris. When she’s done, she’s done. I hear her footsteps up the stairs and the sound of the movie cuts out. Tabby comes around the corner hand in hand with Millie who stops dead when she sees me.
“Mom?” She says, and in her face I see no resentment. No anger. No frustration. Only joy. The entire night washes away like waves over footprints in the sand. Everything Leslie said, all the fear that she planted in my heart is gone.
I’m not a perfect mother. Not even close. But to Millie I’m her mother.
And I want to earn that title every day.
Millie runs at me and I catch her in a tight hug. There’s face mask goo on my hair and Pris’ sweater but I don’t care. I hold my daughter and breath her in and wrap my love around her.
