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I’d also got an email from my brother, James. He had sent me an update from Columbia University, grumbling about a particular teacher but seemingly happy to be buried under the challenges of medical school.
I replied to both of them, and then emailed my best friends, Jess and Sasha, with similar updates. I included snippets from my haphazard life so far in East River, mentioned the house I want to buy and promised more news when things had settled down.In return, I wanted news from them. Jess was up for a promotion at work, and so far hadn’t received it. Sasha was the complete opposite. An artist that was too shy to show off her talents, but she’d somehow managed to submit an application for a gallery space down town.
I demanded answers from each of them, in exchange for some details of my ruggedly handsome new landlord.
For a moment, I was unsure if I wanted to know how they were doing. As bad as that sounds, I’d spent the last few years playing the balancing weight between the two of them. Kicking Sasha up the butt when she refused to be brave, and holding Jess back when she was about to storm into her office and tear some asshole lawyer a new one.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little curious how they were faring without me, but also nervous that maybe they wouldn’t notice my absence.
Those first few emails had been easy enough.
It had been the last email to hit me hard.
An email from my friend David.
I control my breathing, trying to bring my feelings back under control.
Dad had passed away last year. It’d be wrong to say that our family has moved on, but we’ve at least had a period of adjustment.
David has barely had any time. We’d lost Nick, one of my closest friends, only a few months ago.
He was a driver with my dad’s team, and had been trialing a new build around the track, pushing the engine and challenging the steering dynamics.
The accident had been no one’s fault. A pure fluke of human and machine incompatibility. One second everything was fine and the next Nick’s voice had called out in concern over the radio.
I swallow and close my eyes but it only makes the memory stronger. I can see the car lose control on the track. I can hear Nick’s curses in my ears. I’d rushed out into the pit, staring across the track. I’d seen him spin out of control and hit the tire wall at over a hundred miles an hour, helpless to do anything.
But being there when Nick died hadn’t been as bad as making the call to his husband.
David had been… Well, distraught didn’t exactly cover it. That night at the hospital had been agony.
Now, the memory is fresh and painful, and it all came rushing back with David’s email.
All he’d asked was how I’m doing. If East River is all I’d been expecting. He’d asked if I was coming back to New York or setting down roots as planned. All he wanted to know was if I’m alright.
Guilt eats at my belly as I stuff Caleb’s list of materials back in my pocket and head out amongst the aisles of books.
I know this move is something I need. But I still feel the guilt of abandoning David so soon after the love of his life had died. David had been an adopted member of the family ever since he’d proven himself as an events organizer. Mom had gone nuts over his redesign for her dining hall and the fall dinner she’d held years ago. So much so that she rarely hired anyone else for her fundraisers. Just to get his input on the latest fashions, events, and interior design. Given David loved all three topics, it isn’t exactly a hardship for him to keep on visiting her.
That was how we’d met. My last summer of college, I’d come home and found David lounging in the sunroom while Mom spoke with our cook about food for an upcoming fundraiser.
As soon as the Jessop house is mine, I decide, I’m getting internet setup and video calling David. And my brother James. And my girlfriends Sasha and Jess. Mom would insist on a call too, of course.
Feeling disconnected from my old life, I’m jolted out of the doom and gloom by Alice’s voice.
“All done?” she calls, looking up with a smile.
I’m about to reply when I realize she may not be talking to me. Footsteps behind me announce the departure of the teenagers who had been looking up rock bands. Unlike me, however, they’re making a beeline for the door. All three of them glance back at me over their shoulders, one even pausing so that his friend walks into the back of him. All of them ignore Alice completely.
My irritation sparks. Teens can be so shallow.
“You seem to have a few admirers,” the librarian says. Her voice is so low that I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to hear her.
“It’s human nature,” I say with a dismissive shrug. “People are always interested in the shiny new thing.”
Alice watches me for a moment with a look that seems to indicate she knows more than she’s showing. Her gaze moves from my height to my hair.
“I think you’re too modest if you think they’re only interested because you’re new to town,” she says in that same small voice. Again, her eyes linger on my hair.
